Earlier I posed about my bf and his controlling mother hurting our relationship. She's said bad things about me and tried to get me outta his life. We have talked about it and he knows he needs to stick up for our relationship but after a month he hasn't. I feel like he's just putting it off, I know he doesn't like confrontation with loved ones. But he's 20 and needs to be a big boy about it. Should I give him more time or should I give an ultimatum that if he doesn't do something I will? Whether it be talking to his mom (possibly making her more mad at me), taking time off from him, or breaking up. After all I've stepped aside at his request to let him deal with it and if he's not going to should I take control or would that make matters worse?
2006-08-15 09:32:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Ultimatums don't work. He will drop you and have resentment towards you for making him chose. Just dump him. He clearly hasn't cut the apron strings. Find a man not a boy.
2006-08-15 09:38:24 · answer #1 · answered by taz4x4512 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give it just a tad bit longer, and if things are still the same and he hasn't done anything, then I would go ahead and take matters into my own hands. If you really feel this woman is being this way to you for no good reason then you need to do what's necessary. He doesn't want to take either side because he loves the both of you, and his mother will always be his mother. That is not to say that he needs to let his mother control his life. If he knows his mother is wrong he does need to speak up. Talk to him about it one more time, and tell him you mean serious business this time. If he really loves you and this relationship means something to him then he will fight for you and the relationship.
2006-08-15 09:43:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him time.
NEVER give a guy an ultimatum - this is ALWAYS a terrible idea no matter what the situation is. You need to rationally express your feeling to him and explain that this is a major issue for you. But don't nag him about it. He cares about you but you also have to understand that he cares about his mother.
Giving a guy an ultimatum and nagging him are both things that will definitely push him away. If you care about him, do you want to lose him over something like this? I don't think so.
If your guy doesn't want to talk to his mom and find a solution to the problem, it's most likely because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and he doesn't want to hurt yours by saying that he doesn't want to talk to her. It's not that he doesn't care about you - he's just trying to make everyone happy (including you AND his mother).
If you are the one who has the problem with his mom - perhaps you should try talking to her. When and if you do - try not to be hostile, judgemental, or accusatory. (I'm not saying you would but sometimes we act this way without meaning to.) Explain your FEELINGS instead of your anger. Tell her how you feel about the situation. I don't know the whole story - but maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing. She obviously wants her son to be happy, and if he's happy with you she should respect that.
Good luck
2006-08-15 09:42:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ultimatums work beautifully, but you have to be prepared to follow through. Otherwise, you come across as a door mat & get walked all over & NOTHING but your status is changed. You'll fall from beloved other half to 'what's her name' in no time. Yes, he needs to get his over-controlling mother OUT of your relationship. No place for her in the bedroom, unless you're into that sort of thing, which it sounds like you're not. I had to deal with an over-bearing, controlling sister as well as Mom. How did I handle it? Simple question: "What the Hell? Did you sleep with them or something? No? Then why are they acting like jealous, ex-girlfriends & you're allowing it?!?!" He got the hint & they are no longer an issue. And yes, he was miffed at me for a couple of days, but he got over it & 3 yrs later we're still together.
Good luck with it. Whatever route you choose, it isn't going to be easy.
2006-08-15 09:45:38 · answer #4 · answered by coffeevonhelle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to make a move. Tell him until he grows up and faces his mother head on you are going to put your relationship on hold. You love him but do not want a relationship that his mother runs. Say your peace, give him a second to respond if he says nothing leave immediatly. Wait for him to call you. This needs to change now or it never will.
2006-08-15 09:40:29 · answer #5 · answered by curiosity 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only give an ultimatum if you are sure your willing to follow through. If you tell him he either deals with her or your leaving then make sure your willing to walk out that door at that moment. If not maybe you need to just tell him that your starting to get mad at him and that he is hurting your feelings by not dealing with his mom. This time get him to set a date by which time he will deal with her. Then if that date passes by it is time for the ultimatum.
2006-08-15 09:39:25 · answer #6 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would give himt he ulimatum. If he can't do it then you have to. There was a time that my boyfriends dad tried telling me something and I am a really nice, bite my tongue type of girl. But if I didn't put my foot down then, I know he would keep trying to say whatever. After I gave him a piece of my mind, he doesn't say anything about our relationship. It's weird now, but I am glad he can't step on me. So trust me, you do what you have to. He might be mad, but he'll get over it.
2006-08-15 09:46:42 · answer #7 · answered by Susa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him if he's in your life, then he has to be IN your life. Nobody deserves to put up with that behaviour. Alternatively, take the bull by the horns and speak to his mum. Explain that you understand he'll always be her little boy, but now he's grown up he needs to find his own way in life. That if your relationship turns out to be a mistake, he'll learn from it. But that if she's unwilling to let go a bit and let him make his own descicions, he'll never learn anything in life, then what happens when mummy isn't around anymore? As adults we all make informed choices, he made a choice to be with you. No one made that choice for him. Good Luck!
2006-08-15 09:43:39 · answer #8 · answered by Chaley 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel sorry for your bf. His mother probably is driving him crazy too, but mother's and guilt trips are eternal. I really do think you should step away from the situation, because you can't change him, and you definately can't change his mother. Look toward the future, I'm sure you'll find a guy who will stick up for you against his relatives.
2006-08-15 09:39:55 · answer #9 · answered by gravytrain036 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's really hard for him to stand up to his mother. Sounds like she's one of those really controlling mums that are afraid to let their son go. If you have the courage to talk to his mum, you should. It'll show her that you're not a pushover and it'll show him that you're really serious about the issue. Is. after that he still can't stand up to his mum, just give up 'cause then he's definitely not ready to choose for his relationship. (with you or any other girl)
2006-08-15 09:42:52 · answer #10 · answered by chocolatebunny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋