How do I stop arguing with my wife over money it's driving us apart?

Question

She nit picks every little spending thing. In fact, on a day when it's 85 degrees outside she refuses to put the air conditioning on even though I tell her I'm sweating and uncomfortable. She'll argue and pitch a fit until she gets her way about pretty much everything. Another example, if we're at a carnival or something and I'm hungry she'll complain that the items there are too expensive ($5+) and that I should wait until I get home to eat. Well, we aren't at home, we are at the carnival and I'm hungry now!

*Sigh* It just seems like we fight once a day about money. To me, money isn't that important. To her it seems to be although she accuses me of treating money more important than her. She handles most of the financial information because she works at a bank. How do I get her to stop being such a tight *** with the money and ease up?

Hey I make 3 X as much $$ as she does...

Answer 1

Don't ask her... tell her your in charge too. Its your money too not just hers. Take out some from your paycheck everyweek and if she bitches do it anyway. She can not tell you what to do its a partnership not ownership

Answer 2

Make compromises. When you're going out for the day, pack a light snack....I usually take an energy bar or two with me and a couple of bottles of water to get me through just in case. It's a lot cheaper and healthier than most quick stop food spots.

If it's going to be a hot day, turn the AC on first thing in the morning...set it for a certain temp and run a few fans around the place to circulate the air to help maintain a coolness w/in the home w/out overdoing the AC.

Try figuring out a budget that includes "impulse expenses" for each month. This is money that you can use when you go to carnivals or fairs or whatever.

Finally, if neither of these ideas work, perhaps you should see a marriage counselor. It may seem like a big step, but sometimes having an unbiased observer can be a big help. It would be unfortunate for an otherwise seemingly happy marriage to break up over something as silly as money....it's only green paper after all. Good luck.

Answer 3

My first thought after reading this, not knowing your whole situation, is that money is tighter than you know. If she's paying the bills, seeing the account balances, etc., she sees exactly how much is coming in and going out. If it's a paycheck-to-paycheck type situation, she is probably really stressed out. I would suggest that you two sit down together and figure out ways that you can save money or earn more so that having the air on during hot weather or buying snacks at a carnival doesn't seem like such a big deal.

If I'm way off, and the finances are actually doing well, then maybe discuss the idea of you taking out a certain amount per week or month that is just YOURS to spend on what you want, and she can do the same. That way, it's your choice if you want to spend the five bucks on that carnival snack or on something else.

Answer 4

Do budget planning together. If you bother have the same objective it helps to see what the whole picture looks like and why one thing is important while another is insignificant. I know this sounds juvenile but, you should have an allowance. This is a stated amount of money for a particular period of time, ie: $50 a paycheck or $100 a month, that you can spend anyway you want. You can eat at the carnival or buy $50 worth of bubble gum but when it's gone, it's gone. You should also know how much you have coming into the household and how much is going out. Perhaps your wife is trying to pay off credit card debt or make sure there's money for that holiday you keep talking about. That's where having the whole picture comes in. By the way, battles over money is the number one reason for divorce.

Answer 5

You gotta get on the same page financially. Why is she so worried? Is she afraid you won't be able to pay the bills, or does she want to save and grow your mutual wealth? If she's worried about living paycheck to paycheck and you two are cutting it close, find innovative ways to save money - those little energy efficient light bulbs, trade your car in for one that gets better gas mileage and costs less to insure, buy non-perishables (toilet paper, shampoo) in bulk. On the other hand, if it is a matter of growing your wealth that she is interested in, set up a savings account or better yet some 'safe' investments - bonds, mutual funds - that will net you more interest than a savings account. Then agree to put x% of your income into that each month. Hopefully you can find a compromise like this where you can show her that you are committed to your financial future, while still making some 'fun money' available.

You could also try to show her you can spend responsibly by coming up with cheap/free things you can do together. Going out to lunch is often cheaper than going out to dinner. Catch a matinee rather than a movie at prime time. Most museums have a day of the week that is free for residents of their respective county/city. Pack a lunch and go to the beach, mountains, forest, whatever...

Most importantly, try to bear in mind that she likely feels that she is doing this for your own good, so enter the conversation with compassion and understanding. You should even make a point of telling her that you appreciate all that she does to keep you two afloat. Language like this will remind her that you're on the same team even though sometimes you're not running the same play.

Answer 6

She of all people should know. You said she works for a bank. What you two should do is create a budget. I mean for everything. Make sure that you have your bills and everything paid for. Then have a little bit of money put aside for the hotdogs at the carnival with chips. It's pretty easy. If you don't have enough money for it because of money problems then just put a little bit of spending money aside a week, or get a water jug and put any spare change into. Trust me that thing adds up. I had a jug filled up once that I'd saved up for a year and it added up to be $2,700 with some change. There's many options on saving money, as well as spending it wisely. Just make sure that you're making the right financial decisions. Oh, and don't hide money from her. That's a big no-no. If (she probably will if you do) she finds it, it will definitely put you guys in a deep trough relationship wise. Hope I could help.

Answer 7

There's such a thing as being practical without being too cheap. I think you have a point that you should be able to buy a $5 meal when you're hungry. I think there are two ways of dealing with your problem but ultimately, you have to sit down and talk to your wife gently about it. I think you should be able to combine both your incomes and itemize all your spendings (mortgage, food, cable TV, cellphone bills, cars, insurance, etc) and see how much is left per month. The more involved you are, the more likely you'll get along with your finances.

From there, you can judge how much of it is left and which portion of that you want to invest/save. You could then both agree on a certain amount each month that each of you gets and could spend freely on things that you enjoy (say, $100 a week each, including eating out) without having to check on each other's purchases all the time. I think that's reasonable not just for you but for her as well.

Also, both of you should ONLY have discussions on substantial purchases that are above a certain amount (say $100 and up). There is no need to worry about $5 meals or $20 shirts (if they are spent using one's allowance).

If this option still doesn't work, you might want to consider separating your finances. Good luck!

Answer 8

Money is a very touchy subject for couples and one that should be discussed before marriage, but since you've already jumped that ship, you should sit down and have a rational conversation about it now. Explain to her why you treat money the way you do (it might have to do with how you were raised or just your general philosophy about it, maybe you have a kickass job and don't see it as an issue) then have her do the same. That way you both understand where the other is coming from.

Then it's time to roll out the compromises. Try to work out a budget. Let her know that you will be happy to stick to it as long as it includes room for fun or extra expenses (although, I don't see that air conditioning falls under either one of those, it's a necessity!) like eating out (at the fair or wherever). Maybe the compromise will come down to you each putting money in a shared account for shared expenses, but keeping separate accounts for your personal spending. If it's your personal money she shouldn't complain about how you spend it.

But, (here comes the big but) maybe she is uptight about the money because she's making it. She has a nice bank job. What do you do? If all your family's money (or the majority of it) is coming from her job then sit down and shut up because if she earns it, she controls it and her money philosophy (however weird and different from yours it might be) will be followed.

Answer 9

Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart, You will probably find out that the issue isn't money rather something else that is deeply covered up by something that the two of you argue about on a daily basis.
If the two of you both work and get a paycheck then you should have a little spending money as well as she should have some spending money, now if things are really tight around your house spending money vs bill then I suggest you two sit down and talk so that both of you know what is going on with the money department.
good luck

Answer 10

I understand you both. My house is set at 85 degrees and is just fine, nobody is "dying" of a heat stroke....

However, I see your point, is not like you are hurting for money and not being able to enjoy a night out at a carnival and not being able to eat greasy salmonella ridden food is just not fun. Your wife says that there is steak at home.... but you want the 5 dollar corn dogs.....

I will give you the answer. Give your wife and the kids 10 dollars each when going to the carnival. Tell then that they can spend it however they please. You go eat your $ 5 dollar funnel cake and let your wife eat the staeak at home.. You earn your money,.. right? you have the right to your 8 dollar chilli dog! It's the carnival for Pete's sake. Unfortunaly, she is frugal and there is no way of changing that. You will never win the a/c battle, but you can run it when she is not at home.

Women that are conservative are a treasure, My ex-husband used to say the same things and now has a new wife that would never used anything second hand and would not dare to buy anything on sale, leave alone coupons! Now he has 60.000 dollars in credit card debt (he was debt free when we divorced )and they have only been married 8 months. Now he calls me and complains about hir new wife out of control overspending and how bad his finances are... all I could say was.. sorry dude, I hope you like your $ 5.00 hot dog.

Good luck

Answer 11

I think you need to talk to her...tell her that perhaps you can come up a plan or idea so that money isn't always tight. Ask her if she is willing to give you an allowance...perhaps $20 bucks a week...I know it doesn't seem like a lot...but still. Perhaps if she gives you an allowance, you can tell her that once she gives you this allowance she has no right to ask what you do with that money and where you spend it. This way you feel a bit more free with money and she still has control over finances.

My dad is like that...he always cries that he is poor even thought we have more than enough money. He constantly says how we shouldn't spend money going to the movies and or going out to eat...and everytime we do go out to eat he always complains how we spent $50 bucks or more as a family of 5... basically he always think he has no money, and that we don't value money...and so, we asked for an allowance...and said he doesn't need to take us anywhere as along as we get and allowance of X amount of dollars a month (without financially impacting the family) and so he finally agreed...and now he still has control over the finances but he doesn't ask us what happened to our money and we try to budget til the next time we get an allowance.


So, you can try that with your wife...if that doesn't work then you might want to be controlling of your finances as well...by analyzing even penny she spends...and when she figures out how annoying it is..u can tell her to stop doing the same sh*t.

Another thing you can do is...get another side job perhaps something under the table...and whatever you make from that put it in another bank....then she cannot have control over it...or you can open up another account without her name on the account and perhaps put enough money in the join account to pay all the bills and whatever remains put it in another account...and if she asks what happend and why there isn't enough money in the joint account you can tell her that she needs to loosen up a bit...and when she does then u will put in money that joint account.

Finally, my mom always says people who are tight on money, never know the bliss of money and will lose money. So, tell your wife...that she needs to learn to loosen up, and as long as the spending doesn't affect your ability to pay bills then you are fine.

And if all else fails..then perhaps...you should stop putting your paycheck into the joint account and put it in another account without her name on it...and if you do this for a while and pay things separately she may realize that the reason u r doing this is because she is a penny pincher.