Four months ago I found out that my husband cheated on me a year ago. I also found out that he did it again with a woman he used to work with. He says he did it because he was frustrated with me becauce I don't initiate affection. The reason I'm not affectionate is because he's mean most of the time. Who wants to hold hands or kiss someone who's mean? When ever we do have sex it's because he started it. The sex we have is good. I just can't look past this betrail. I do love him. I sent the woman he used to work with an email to get some answers and to try to get closure and it back fired. She made it seem like it was my fault because I was not submissive to him. She even gave me addvice from the Bible. She didn't even appoligize. I love my husband but I hate him at the same time. How do you get over something like this? How do I trust him again? BTW we've got 4 kids together and he's in the Army. I only started working 2 months ago. What do you think I should do? Help
2006-08-15 07:54:57 · 67 answers · asked by vitamin D 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ok boy this is going to be a long answer but stay with me here. first off the fact that he is in the army has no bearing on anything other then the fact that if you do divorce you will be able to garnish his paychecks a lot easier. having 4 children might make you feel trapped but remember that if he acts mean towards you they see it also. do you want your children to see this and think it is ok? children are a product of there eviroment, but i'm sure you know that already. the other woman giving you advice from the bible is crazy. what about coveting thy neighbors wife? yea she might not live next door and it was your husband but you get the meaning of the quote. she is doing nothing more than rationalizing what she did in her head as being right when both you and i plus everyone else on here knows it's not right. by your husband saying he did it because you don't show him affection is just a way of him coping out. that's just an excuse not a reason. if it were really a problem he would have brought it to your attention instead of going outside of your marrage first then saying something about it afterwards. he just used that to rationalize his actions to himself and he is hoping you'll beleave him and accept part of the blame too so he doesn't look as bad as he does. how do i know all of this? i've been there and i did the same thing. i acted mean too. somehow i got it stuck in my head when i was in my early 20's that as long as i had bomb *** sex i could act anyway i wanted to. i found out i was wrong. having great sex is only a SMALL portion of a good relationship, very small at that. actually i think it is really only a by product of a healthy relationship. i have pushed many great women away from me because i acted mean. i used to use the excuse that it was because i was in the Marine Corp. that was a cop out on my part. not until i stepped back and took a look at how i acted and treated others did i understand what was going on. your right nobody wants to be around someone who is mean, no matter how good the sex is. i had to ask myself how would i feel if i were treated like i was treating others. once i saw that and realized that i wouldn't like it opened up my eyes. your marrage is salvageable but i would recomend geting into some type of counseling. somwhere that both of you can talk to a third party and get some guidance. the army has programs for that. use them if your marrage is important to you. if he isn't willing then that right there will let you know how much he values your relationship. i can only imagine how you feel and i know that taking the first tep will be very hard but do you want to be miserable forever? only with time and work will you be able to save anything. besides i'm sure you can find someone that will treat you the way you want to be treated. just because you get married and have 4 kids doesn't meen that the fish quit swimming out there. good luck
2006-08-15 08:41:37 · answer #1 · answered by stanyazfan 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't need to "educate" her as if she is a dog!!! first of all, your current situation must me the consequence of something... what has been happening between you two?? haven't you tried to consider that she must be even less satisfied than you are?? you are thinking just about "fingering" and stuff like that when maybe the source of the problem is communication?, empathy? and understanding??? anything else Beyond the mere sexual act? And don't even try to take this situation as an excuse and cheat on your wife now!! That would very selfish and even immature for a man of your age... Try to listen what she has to say and DON'T JUDGE her of having traditional thoughts... im sure there's a lot to save in in your marriage, even more after 22 years!!!!! Good luck and sorry If I spoke strongly but men sometimes are so thoughtless....
2016-03-16 22:34:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go see a divorce lawyer! You need three thing to make a relationship work: Trust, Respect, & Communication. Sounds like you're missing all three. If you're not ready to end the relationship yet, I'd at least go get marriage counseling.
But honestly, the fact that he's blaming YOU for HIS infedilty shows that he's taking absolutely zero accountability for his actions! And since it's not "his" fault, he's free to continue doing it!
Plus he's mean to you. You can't even say that you have a good relationship OUTSIDE the cheating! So honestly ask yourself, "What reason would I stay?" And please listen to the answer you give yourself!
2006-08-15 08:03:49 · answer #3 · answered by virgogirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't get past the betrayal, then you're pretty much at an impass.
Do you really think that if gritted your teeth and held his hand when he
is being mean to you that it would change anything?
There are people who hold marriages together despite their spouses
cheating repetitively. Is it worth it? Do you think you could support
yourself without him?
As for the woman quoting the Bible ... that's laughable. It only proves
that if you look hard enough you can use the Bible to prove ANYTHING.
2006-08-15 08:03:34 · answer #4 · answered by Elana 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no excuse for someone cheating on you and tell that nut case that was reading the Bible that she was breaking one of the 10 commandments..Adultery!!! Where does she get off thinking she can shun you when you did nothing wrong. If he is that mean, lose him! You would deserve better than that. Guys like him are always going to be that way so its better to get out now, find happiness elsewhere because you'll always have this tension between you now. You can't make up for cheating!!
2006-08-15 08:02:43 · answer #5 · answered by daveypa22 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You'll be in a much better position to answer that question if you can establish some independence from him... he holds all the cards...he is holding power over you, and he's got you questioning what you can do to be a better person...
If you can get out on your own for a bit and try to establish yourself it would be good for you. But I realize that is not really an option since you have the kids to tend to. However, look for support from people and see what you can do. Make him grow up and be a man, not a bully! You should not have to feel hopeless!
2006-08-15 08:02:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you feel that you might be able to forgive him for cheating on you might want to consider counseling. However, if you feel it will always be an issue, end it now and move on with your life. The fact that you have kids is not a reason to stay married.
Also, the woman who quoted you the bible probably needs a refresher course on the 10 commandments!!
2006-08-15 08:01:53 · answer #7 · answered by a 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Trust is something that has to be earned. You can't force yourself to trust someone. Doesn't sound like he is doing a very good job. Anyway, the Army has a family services center on base that you can go to in order to seek counseling, legal matters, etc. There will also be a base chaplain that you can see with the up most of confidentiality. Best of luck to you and your children.
2006-08-15 08:02:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Listen honey, you're husband is a two-timer more than once. Doesn't that tell you something. Your future is putting up with his unfaithfulness or leaving. I'm sorry, but men like that don't change overnight. I'm sorry for your four children. Make sure you take him to court to pay for maintenance, that is his responsibility. He's not happy, obviously you're not happy. Call it a day. Just make sure the children are well looked after and don't hate either of you. Good luck.
2006-08-15 08:01:57 · answer #9 · answered by Ya-sai 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you can not get over it then you must divorce. The woman your hubby cheated on you with does NOT owe you an apolgy. HE is the one that was suppose to be committed to you. Why are you raising your children with a mean man who instead of owning up to his faults --blames YOU for what HE does? He is a cheater and a manipulator...oh and a mean man. You have a big decision to make hon. Do what is best for you and your children.
2006-08-15 08:02:08 · answer #10 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First off if that girl was really christian she should know abou tthe ten commandments so maybe you should fire those back at her. But I suggest you go to counseling, and tell your husband that if he has any hope of saving this relationship then he needs to make some serious changes. If he wants affection than he needs to be open to it. keep working and enjoy your life. Make new friends. And keep some money stached in a separate account in case you do decide to file for divorce.
2006-08-15 08:01:16 · answer #11 · answered by heatherdrake2005 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋