I am getting married in a few months and I feel confused. I am not sure if I have cold feet or if I am genuinlely concerned about my relationship. My fiance and I have had some issues we have somewhat resolved but I just don't trust him like I used to.
2006-08-15 05:34:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Trust is something that is hard to regain when it's lost. A true test of whether or not you can trust him is to look out for one specific thing....EMPATHY.
Those who lack empathy justify lies by blaming others, and refusing to recognize or acknowledge how it affects others. They say "I didn't want to hurt your feelings" because they were too chicken to admit it, and they didn't want to face how their action affected you. This is how they make it right with themselves....
Trust could be regained when someone admits what, why, and how something was worng....there was no excuse....and how it made others feel.
An example would be "I am sorry that I have lied to you. I understand how insulting it is to your intelligence, how disrespected you must be feeling, as well as betrayed, and how this destroys all of my credibility with you. I have hurt you badly. I have cast a shadow of doubt on everything I have ever said to you, and now you will doubt everything I could ever say"
When you see that they "get it" you can probably trust them. Just don't tell them what you want to hear....see if they thought about it on their own.
As far as you go, you can choose to forgive (but you will never forget). You can choose to give him a chance to redeem himself. You can see if he is truly sorry about something, or just sorry that he got caught. Look for the empathy in how he explains it o you. See if it comes naturally to him. Don't tell him what you are looking for, or he may act like or say just what you want to hear....and if you don't see it, don't make any excuses for him.
Remember, you get what you pay for, and you can't change anyone.
If you have doubts, they are for a reason. Don't make excuses for "red flags"......you will only shoot yourself in the foot.
Narcissism and empathy are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. Secretly evaluate which end he is closer to by how he sees things.
Good luck, take care!
2006-08-15 05:55:28 · answer #1 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The difference is your heart and your head. If you get "cold feet," it's your emotions being frightened at the HUGE step you are about to take. If it is genuine concern, then your head is screaming at you about unresolved issues.
You have a few months - the time to act is now. You two - yes, the both of you - need to get into some premarital counseling NOW. I mean the kind of counseling that helps the two of you investigate and confront the issues between you and the issues you will face and the situations in which you will find yourselves once you are married - AND it helps you both work out solutions, if possible (or see that it is not possible.)
If you have trust issues NOW, then they are not going to be solved simply by getting married. The marriage makes no difference in this regard. If anything, it makes it worse. (Seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it ?) But while you may think there is no longer any reason to worry, NOW the stress of being "trapped" and having to live up to expectations on a daily basis can really reveal the infirmaries in your relationship.
In the past, engagements were not used just to plan the wedding - they were used to really investigate the potential for the marriage. This sounds like, to me at least, what you and your fiance need to do - best done with a counselor or in a course, especially if there are trust issues. Having a third party there or some structure through which you must go keeps both of you from retreating from the hard parts and gets you to the other side.
And, it will make for a better marriage - and isn't that the most important thing ?
2006-08-15 05:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by two 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cold feet is when your nervous about marriage and commitment in general.
Genuine concern is when you're nervous about the person you are going to marry.
Whichever it is, you really should be able to talk with your fiance about these things. You are never going to find a perfect person that you won't have any concerns about, but you can make sure your fiance is the kind of person that you can easily express your concerns to.
When I was looking for the right guy to marry, I didn't look for someone that I didn't seem to have any problems with (that would mean we probably weren't talking enough), I was looking for someone that I could work through problems with. My husband stood out from the crowd of everyone I had dated because I was able to bring up concerns, and he would sit down and talk with me, and we'd try to find solutions together. That was probably one the biggest things that let me know he was husband material.
Best Wishes!
2006-08-15 06:30:53 · answer #3 · answered by daisyk 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What type of marriage are you going to expect if you have trust issues with your potential husband.
Something had to happen in order for you to have trust issues and unless you fully deal with this situation, you will be going into a marriage with problems.
You don't have cold feet, you have issues with your mate that is causing you to second guess.
If your second guessing already, I suggest you take a second look at your future marriage.
Marriage should be taken very seriously because beside giving birth and purchasing a home, it is a very big decision that you shouldn't be taken lightly.
2006-08-15 05:47:51 · answer #4 · answered by words from the heart 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not trusting the man you intend to marry is a genuine concern, not just "cold feet". You need to deal with that before making a life-long decision. Divorce is expensive and SUCKS!
2006-08-15 05:40:45 · answer #5 · answered by T S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where's there's no trust, there's no love. You shouldn't get married if you don't trust your fiancee. When in doubt, do without.
Be happy, go with your head on this one, not your heart!!
Good Luck
2006-08-15 06:05:03 · answer #6 · answered by STRETCH 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Resolving somewhat is different from resoled. You have unresolved issues that need to be addressed before getting married.
I would suggest pre-marital counseling. You still have plenty of time to think about it and get over what is upsetting you.
Best of luck
2006-08-15 05:42:22 · answer #7 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have the slightest doubt in your head-DON"T DO IT! Trust your intuition. Save yourself years of pain and heartache.Run like the wind.Even a simple divorce costs over 10,000.Good Luck!
2006-08-15 05:42:09 · answer #8 · answered by Lisa M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well best answer l can give you is, most of the time your first instink is your correct answer.go with your gut feeling.specialy if there is a trust issue, marriage has to be 100% trust if its going to work.
2006-08-15 05:40:42 · answer #9 · answered by Cobra 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋