Tell me the truth..Does Marriage counseling really work?

Question

If it takes someone on the outside of your marriage to get to the bottom of the problem in your marriage don't you think that's another problem or is it just me. I thought whatever happens between the two should stay between the two, you work things out. And make your decision from there. Since when has it been okay to get a third-party to help.

Answer 1

You've got two questions here.

First is the thought about a 3rd party relationship coach. Tell me something (rhetorically) - is it easier to look at someone else's life and see where they might have been making things worse and making choices that hurt rather than helped the situation, or is it easier to see where you are doing those things?

I say it's easier for someone else - anyone else - to have a more impartial view of two people's interaction than those two actually involved in it. There's no direct involvement or ego attachment to the actions or emotions of the interactions.

Now, when you have a relationship coach, someone who has been trained to help a couple figure out their own issues, someone who has no loyalties to either person in the relationship, that person can help the most in actually helping a couple find their own solutions.

The counselor isn't there to say "you are wrong, you are right, etc" - they aren't there to assign blame or take sides. They are there to fix the 'dance' - as far as each person is willing to fix that dance.

Imagine two people dancing to the music of their relationship. They step on each other's feet. They give confusing leads or no leads at all. They can't follow and crash into the other person. They can barely keep rhythm, let alone move together.

The therapist is there as a dance coach, to help them regain their own internal rhythms, then be able to interact with each other in their dance. The couple chooses their music, their dance, their own level of intimacy (intricacy of steps). The therapist lets them know what will help them - what makes the dance flow better, and what will not.

Most marriage counseling fails because one or both people want to be 'right' and cannot let go of their own part of the dance. They want the therapist to say to the other person "if you would just dance like this other person is dancing . . . " They are not willing to give up their ego position and change some fundamental parts of how they dance to meet their partner in making the dance work.

It's the same reason why most child therapy fails. The child starts to change, and then the family must change around them to meet the new steps that the child is learning in therapy. The family does not want to change and becomes anxious/angry/fearful of the change and makes the decision to end therapy rather than actually facing a dynamic change to the whole way the family 'dances' with each other.

You can make the choice of 'whatever happens between the two should stay between the two' - as long as you realize that you can never see outside of your own problems in the dance. However, if you think that 'working things out' like that will really get to the root of the problems and improve the dance of the relationship, then I personally wouldn't give much hope to the relationship surviving - unless the two cling to the familiar dysfunctional clashing dance rather than face the scary unknown of dancing solo.

Answer 2

well, just like you want a answer they want one.

Now, I personally don't agree with marriage counseling because all your doing is telling a third party what the problems is and looking for their solution how to fix it when as adults you should have a better communication level and understanding of each other to know how to fix it or whether it can be fixed within the judgment of the two of you.

A marriage counselor giving you her opinion is just her opinion and if two adults cannot comprehend what is causing their marriage to crumble then they shouldn't be married because obviously they don't have what it takes to have a marriage.

Constant bickering and arguing destroys the fabric of a marriage and both partners need to be on the same page in child rearing, finances, morals, values and when opposite attract the differences cause marital discourse.

A counselor can't make two individuals get along without the two having the brains to follow through on it.

Answer 3

Marriage counseling only works if both parties go into it with the common goal of helping the marriage. But if you are the one asking for it and your partner is unwilling or refuses no counseling will help. A counselor can only do so much. You have to have realistic goals in either case. It is like having a person with a drinking problem being force to attend a AA meeting and think everything is going to be okay. I tried both individual counseling and couples therapy in the end it didn't work for me.

Answer 4

If you want it to.

You're right about preserving the intimacy and secrets between two married people. A counselor, however, will not judge you and will be objective about what they see each of you doing, and point that out to you and help you two see some other options.
Objectivity.
Everyone is "right" in their own mind....and sometimes their priorities conflict.
People fight about topics, to avoid dealing with the issues.
Fighting involves assassinating the other's character because they don't think like you do. It's spiteful and non-productive.
You know the cliche: When you find yourself talking to your friends about your relationship probems, you know it's over...
Marital counseling is different. They are friends with neither one of you. No bias.
I would reccommend it, if you are unhappy or unsatisfied with your marriage, and unable to tell your parrtner what it would take to be satisfied.
Good luck, take care!

Answer 5

Sometimes it takes someone with no prior knowledge to help. Speaking from experience, one of the major problems in marriage is the ability to communicate effectively. Sometimes it all gets lost in translation.So a trained professional or religious leader could be beneficial. However, the couple can't have two separate agendas. The couple must want to make their marriage work. They must also be open and honest and willing to put in some work!

Answer 6

This is a trained professional who listens to what is said and then asks questions to get to the bottom of the problem. Sometimes it takes an unbiased opinion or statement for people to understand. It doesn't always work because some people do NOT want to share their dirty laundry with a stranger, you have to go in with an open mind and the will to succeed.

Answer 7

Honestly, NO. You know why? Because you cannot change the person. From generations to generations, have you heard a man or a woman changed a lot from marriage.... Unless the spouse is an alcoholic or an abuser, THEN the victim have the right to change their spouses.

Answer 8

I guess sometimes you can benefit from an outsiders opinion, or suggestions. It didn't work for me but I was done before then. It's probably a personal thing, whats good for one isn't necessarily whats good for the next.

Answer 9

Yes it works. Both parties need to WANT to fix the marriage. It won't work if one "just wants out".

Answer 10

Sometimes a devil's advocate can be helpful to get two people to see a happy median.