how do you let a friend know that her relationship is destructive?

Question

my friends boyfriend hits and abuses her,i have tried for months to help her but he always seems to have the upper hand.
He now checks her mobile messages and emails.
last week he strangled her but she wont leave him,she says she doesnt love him and he has admitted to having affairs even trying to get with her friend,luckily the friend told him to get lost.
I have lent her money to get herself sorted but 4 months on he's still there and she gave him the money i lent her.
she says shes scared of him and if she goes out he quizzes her about everything.
she has a daughter to a previous partner and he has told my friend that its him or her daughter.
I have tried everything to get her help and get away from him but she wont budge,she just says 'yeah,your right'.
She came to mine for a drink a few months ago and he bombarded her with text messages.
I dont want anything to happen to her,she's my friend,how much help do i offer before throwing in the towel and seeing it as a lost cause

Answer 1

I wish that there was an easy answer to your concerns and question, but, unfortunately there isn't. Until your friend is ready to leave all you can do is continue the support you are so lovingly giving her. I was, at one time, in her same situation and it took me nearly five years before I could get away. Something that you must understand, most abusers don't only use physical abuse but also mental abuse. In her mind, because of the things he tells her, than beats into her body, may be against everything she believes. Yet, when there is the threat of death to someone they love, like, possibly, her child, she will not leave because she will do anything to protect her family. She is embarrassed and can't allow her self to really believe that "IT" is happening to her in the first place.She may say it, talk to you about it, and even give you a blow by blow. Yet, still, she can't force her mind to see how really wrong all of it is! Don't give up on her!! She needs you! Talk to her EVERY DAY! Call her on the phone! Go see her! But, no matter what DON"T STOP! If at anytime she believes she is alone she will give up and he could very likely kill her. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. One other thing you can do is make HIM aware that you are there. You don't have to confront him! Tell her you will see her one or two nights a week while her guy is home with her. If he is aware that she has friends and that they are keeping an eye on her he may lay off. Also, you MUST tell her to stand up to him. She can not sit and take it anymore. There is nothing in a relationship that constitutes any type of abusive retrobution. Tell her that you will be there for her but she MUST take control of her own self respect! Give her options towards an escape! Names, phone numbers, places to go, people to see! Call the Health and Welfare in your state or the Attorney Genrals office. These places can direct you to any agency that can get her away safely. Call the police for assitance if it gets ugly towards you. They can find her a womans shelter and will take her and her child away so that 'HE' can't get to her! You are doing all the right things! But, before I go< may I make a suggestion? DON"T GIVE HER ANY MORE MONEy! Good Luck!

Answer 2

The sad reality about people in abusive relationships is that until something majorly serious happens they will remain with that person. Abusers are very good at "making things up" after a situation. Maybe you and a group of mutual friends can get together and do sort of an intervention. Make it clear to her that you care very much about her but until she drops the loser you won't be able to loan her anymore money.

Also, if you know about a situation where she is getting abused and can prove it just keep calling the cops on him. You seem like a good friend and don't give up. I was in the same situation as your friend was and eventually I listened and wised up.

Answer 3

well, you can't make a person do anything, it's a rule of human nature that people do what they want to do
the only and best thing you can do for her is to love her and be a good friend, that will help empower her. she has issues but for some reason she is not ready to deal with them yet. she may think, rightly, that if she does leave him he will try to kill her.
if it was me, i would talk to the police about it. they may tell you there is nothing they can do, or maybe they can. the guy sounds more than dangerous. the police should at least have a heads up about it. if he ever leaves you a voice mail or if you can ever get any sort of evidence, hold onto it and get it to the police.

Answer 4

Knowledge is POWER!!! get her the information ASAP, go to your local Domestic Violence Chapter and get whatever they have to help her. You may have to do an intervention. Take her to a website that she can read so can recognize for herself the warning signs! Give her the statistics about how many women die every year as a result of abusive relationships. I have given you the link for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Answer 5

Shes not going to get out until she's had enough. The only thing you can do is to continue to talk to her about it and be there for her when she needs you. She is obviously stuck in a bad situation and doesn't have the self esteem to leave. I'm assuming when it comes down to choosing him or the daughter she will have enough sense to choose her daughter and be rid of this guy for good. Just be there for her.

Answer 6

Your friend’s safety should be your number one concern, even if she can’t see that for herself.

May I suggest an anonymous phone call to the police; a word with the girl’s parents (they have a right to know if they don’t already); some blokes to bash the **** out of him whenever he does it to her!

Not doing anything at all, may one day, see her dead! If you haven’t done everything you believe you could have done, you will end up blaming yourself!

Some people may suggest that you don’t get involved. In ‘friendship’ not getting involved is not an option!

Answer 7

Those that don't see that abuse is not right, were probably raised in a house that had alot of it, so it seems normal to them.

Best way to help them is to get them away from the entire situation and give them a bird's eye view of what a normal household was like and then she will ask questions.

Answer 8

if i were you, i'd inform the police and let them come and get him... it's the only way.. u have to understand that since she's blinded by his love (i bet u wonder how the hell?) and moreover, extremely scared of what it might kick off, she will never try and walk out on him.. so the best thing is... why don't u call her over.. do something that you know will spark it all of.. inform the police beforehand and get him caught! but don't lose hope - just really pull her out of it... she'll be fine

Answer 9

Your friend isn't stupid..but she does have issues. This guy is a pathetic looser..and she sees it..but what is holding her back? She needs to just let go of the idea that he loves her and wants her there..He just wants something or someone to control..and that is not healthy. You need to make her realize that he is not good..and no matter what he says..she needs to move on. What is she getting out of the relationship?

Answer 10

I would call your local domestic abuse project and schedule and appointment. Tell her you want to take her out, then just as you get there tell her the reason and as a friend you would like her to just sit & listen to the consular. Your a good friend. Best of Luck