Baby Routine and a Husband?

Question

I'll start from the beginning...I had our son when my husband was deployed. He came home when my son was 4 months. We had a perfect schedule I like some kind of order and predictability in my life. Now that my husband's back everything’s gone bad. I was so excited that he was going to be there to help...instead he complains anytime I ask him to do something. He barely started giving our son a bath a month ago...and he still seems to have issues with getting him in the bathtub on time. I cook dinner when he gets home from work and ask him to watch our son and again...HE COMPLAINS. I don't understand...he believes he has had a hard day of work and that I should take care of the baby 24/7. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't seee everything I do around the house and understand I've had a hard day too. At the end of the day he wants to snuggle and I'm just beat. He doesn't understand why I need him to help out and a routine. Am I being anal or is this a serious issue? Thanks!

I give him 15/20 minutes to relax, shower. Even after that he still just wants to go on the computer or play around. Then when I'm taking care of the baby he's like "Hey Lindsey...come see this funny video online" I DON'T CARE ABOUT A VIDEO...I care that my son isn't slinging his food across the room! It's like having 2 kids! And I do all the laudry and cleaning durning the day! Here's how our evening goes: He gets home from work, takes a shower while I start dinner. He sits in front of the computer and the baby plays on the floor, we eat dinner, I do the dishes while watching the baby (he's on the computer still) I feed our son oatmeal at 7:30 and he might possible be able to get the baby in the bath by 8:00. It's not like one day I said "let's create a schedule". I've had this schedule since day one and never had a problem until he came back! At the end of the day would you really want to snuggle with someone who didn't do any of the simple things you asked of them...

Answer 1

You need to have a husband who helps you, you are not being unreasonable.

He is.
So let's figure out why.
Does he have an unreasonable fear that if he can't do it perfectly he should not do it (left over from childhood - not by anything that you said or did).
Is he afraid that he is going to hurt the baby?
Is he afraid that he will ruin his son?
Now you and I know that these things won't happen, but does he?

You say he just got back from being deployed.
What did he see over there?
Kids without parents?
Buddies who got hurt or died?
A life that he would not wish on anyone he loved?
Does he feel guilty about how good we have it over here compared to how it was there and so is he burying his guilt in the computer?

Is he afraid to get close to the boy?
To love him, then lose him?
To love him, then be taked away (deployed again) and not return?

If I don't get close to "the kid" then I won't miss him as much when I leave, if "the kid" doesn't get close to me he won't miss me as much if I don't make it back next time.

The more he is isolating himself from your son, the more intimate contact he wants with you because he feels the hole he is creating in himself and wants to fill it with you.

Try talking a few of these things over with him.
Explain that you need him physically too, but being exhausted all the time is not going to help get you in the mood.
Tell him how sexy being a good dad is.
Remember it is not macho to talk about feelings so it may take a few tries.
If he still refuses then ask him to talk to a professional about it.

There should be a family readiness unit out at the base (or something similarly named), call them - they may have some insight or suggestions.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I can say from experience that having a baby certainly changes the dynamics of a relationship. No, you are not being anal. I'm dealing with the same things too. My husband wonders what I do all day long! Grrrrrrr. If I ask him to do anything baby related inthe evenings the answer is usually "no" unless it's giving her her bedtime bottle. So, I have turned into a ***** and if I have to give the bath, change the diaper feed her dinner, etc he gets to do nothing. I told him that I need more support and help when he's home and sorry but he doesn't get to just pick and choose what and when he prefers. I told him that if he wants to be a good Dad that he has to get the good with the bad. That shook him up a bit and so far this week he's been helping more.
I can tell you that it is a serious issue because it bothers you alot. If he wants to be on the computer in the evenings he can wait until the baby is in bed.
We do have 2 children in the house. People used to ask me why we did not have any children yet and I used to tell them that I had to raise my husband first. LOL. I realized one day that will never happen even after menopause.

Answer 3

Welcome to the underappreciated Mommy club :D

This is so common it is rediculous that it isn't discussed in childbirth class or something. Nobody realises just how much stay-at-home moms do during the day and it's hard to grasp unless you've experienced it yourself.

What really needs to happen is that you don't push your hubby to do this job and that job on time or in your way. Let him do things with your son his own way.... show him how basicly what to do if he doesn't kow, but definately don't rush things or he won't want to help. You had a four month head start to learn how to be a parent.... your husband will need to practice for a while before he can go for a speed record.

He may also feel like, since you did it so far by yourself, he isn't really needed, but you need to emphasize that he has to spend time doing things with his son, to bond with this new little person and that it is more for his son's benefit, not yours.

I'm sure your husband is exausted, but he'll never really know the mental exaustion of being a mom and you'll just need to accept that as fact. He may be able to get a taste here and there if you leave him alone wiht the baby for a few hours while you go out, but even that won't make him truly appreciate the things you do.

Let your husband know what you do during the day.... tell him about everything you do and maybe he'll pick up some slack and help out more. It's not possible to be supermom, so don't let him think you are.... let him know you really do need him.

When my husband is driving home from work he calls me and we talk about our days, complain about whatever went totally wrong and share all the fun things that happened... this way we know about one another's day and he gets to change over from his work day to husband mode, then when he walks in the door he's ready to go into Daddy mode.

Answer 4

You are not being unrealistic, well maybe. It's sounds like your husband isn't quite as organized as you. Maybe relax on your timing a bit. Let him relax for a 1/2 hour after getting home, then give him the kid to watch. And if you would like for him to bathe the baby I would just say you would like the baby bathed at some point tonight and let him decide when to do it.

Most importantly discuss these problems with your husband in a calm nonthreatening manner. Don't say you, you, you (i.e. you never watch the baby, you never bathe the baby on time, etc...). Say I feel hurt when you don't understand how hard my day has been too. I know you like to unwind at the end of the day, but I do too. So why don't I leave you alone for a 1/2 hour to relax after work, but then I would like it if you could take over the baby for a while so I can make dinner and unwind too. Or something like that.

Answer 5

What all three of you are experiencing is normal. You would have had major adjustments to make anyway, but throw in the fact that you've been handling this for four months and that he's been deployed and you have huge adjustments to make.

I'm sure primarily your husband is shocked that he is no longer number one. Hopefully, he will grow to be mature enough to be thrilled that his child is number one and help you make this great nest. If he was not treated well as a child, if his needs were dismissed, he will find it even harder, because he will be jealous of his own baby - it's true - both for having your devotion and for having a better life than he had. That's why I say he'll need to grow up if he's gonna make it.

Myself, I'm very flexible about schedules, so when you say he won't give the bath 'on time' i laugh and wonder what on earth you mean. On time for what? For doing everything exactly the way you want it? If you want help, you will absolutely have to accept it on other people's terms. Ask how he can help and when and stop badgering him or you wil lnever get help.

You said you have this perfect schedule and he is messing it up. That shows that want him to function like an employee, get in line, get with your program. Hello, this is a family!

Also, When he first walks in the door, he needs to breathe, unwind, switch gears. He can't watch the baby right away. Also, why does the baby need watching right then? What were you doing before he got back? At four months, your baby can sit in a bouncy seat, or be on a blanket surrounded by toys.

I highly recommend you get a sling, so you can start wearing your baby during your activities.

It is very difficult for many men to relate to infants. He may not seem like a great, engaged dad until his child can interact more. Relax, let it unfold, be proud of all you accomplished on your own. Also, honey, husbands will not compliment a house cleaned, but will notice one uncleaned. Fact of life. However, don' stress abou tthe house - you need to be spending at least 15 minutes of every hour your baby is awake engaged in focused interaction on your baby's terms. You need to be reading tons of books soon, going for walks, playing with blocks, talking talking talking. In fact, you are the primary caregiver of your baby. This is what every infant wants - mommy.

So, what you want - time to relax - is what you work with your husband to get. Ask him when in the course of the evening he can help you by watching over the babe while you take and bubble bath and read, go for a walk with a friend, or read a magazine, etc.

As far as wanting to snuggle at the end of the day - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (see comments on him needing to grow up )

Answer 6

You're not being anal--you just want what's best for you and your family. Kids need order and structure in their lives and you are doing a great job of keeping that in your son's life. Here's what you do about your husband: Give him the what-for! You need to sit down with him and tell him that he is a father now and he needs to take responsibility for his son. (This might sound bad) but maybe you should threaten to leave him. I mean, it doesn't sound like you'd be missing much if he was gone. It's not like he's helping out with the kid and it sounds to me like he's a little stuck on himself here. I don't know, this is a tough situation. Just talk with him though. Good luck and God bless. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me.

Answer 7

Serious issue. My husband is military too. He was there for all the births, but wasn't really into it till the third kid. They have parenting classes, maybe he needs to take one. Have you tried sitting down with him and just talking about this? Tell him that you feel unappreciated and its causing issues in your relationship, even if he doesn't see it. You might just need to leave the baby with him for several hours on a Saturday and give him a crash course in how much you really do.

Answer 8

Its seriously not serious.

Its part of a man becoming a real man. Its hard for men in out society to know what selflessness is, and learning on the job is all they get.

He is tired, and he is worn, but so are you. You're better bet is to make it all about him for the first few minutes that he gets home, instead of handing the baby right over to him and going off to make dinner.

Give him a chance to come in a switch gears, change your routine so you're getting the bulk of everything done before he gets home, and then you three can spend you evening together enjoying eachothers company, instead of adheering to any major schedule.

My mom went through this with my dad when i was first born. And she learned from my grandmother how to fix it.

When dad came home EVERY NIGHT this is what happened, we all RUSHED to go say hi to dad, give him a hug and a kiss, and then baby went in the crib or play pen, for just a few minutes, and mom and dad went off to their room and shut the door for just a few minutes. maybe ten fifteen minutes.

Not making out, no sex, nothing like that, just 15 mintues where the day has ended and mom and dad are husband and wife for fifteen minutse before parenting kicked into effect. Cuddle time, telling what all happened that day, enjoying a few minutes of just quiet. Even if baby is throwing a fit in the next room, its nothing that cant be fixed in ten or fifteen minutes.

After that, dad sat down with us, and did something quiet, watched tv, listened to our stories, played a quiet game with some toys, or just cuddled with us, while mom made dinner.

At dinner we all sat down together, mom helped us with our meal, and while she was cleaning up, dad would get the baby ready for bed.

After that the evening was open, since everything was taken care of. We always just relaxed as a family, nothing intensive. Mom had the house clean and the kitchen clean byt eh time dad got home, so there was no cleaning to be done, the meal was over, lunch was made for tomorrow, kids were ready for bed, they had their time to recoup after the work day, and it was time to relax.

It saved A LOT of headaches as time went on.

My husband and I follow the same example. We dont have a child yet, not due until jan 22nd. But ever since we got married thats how i do things. The day ends when he comes home, we get to be married after work, the day is over and quiet and open for anything relaxing.

It'll take time to get the baby used to such a routine, and for your husband to pick up on it (its better to just impliment it, and not explain it to him, he'll figure it out the first time you're at the door with kisses and hugs and fifteen minutes of quiet time.) remember, that fifteen minutes is your quiet time too.. after that long hard day, you get to let your husband cuddle you a little.

It really does work, it just takes time. even a small infant can survive it... all three of us did. :)

Answer 9

Your husband needs to have an attitude adjustment. And I'm a male speaking!!