Am I being selfish? (Wife is 29 weeks pregnant)?

Question

I am having two problems with my 29 week pregnant wife but I'd feel guilty griping at her if it's just me being selfish:
1) Almost 29 weeks and NO sexual contact. She says she is worried about having sex. Okay, I can kinda understand that eventhough the doctor said sex is okay. But, she won't do ANYTHING else either. That just seems strange to me and selfish on her side.
2) Last week the doctor put her on bed rest because she went into preterm labor. Everything is fine now, but was scarry for a day there. Luckily I work form home so I can stay here with her. But she now wants me to be here literally 24 hours a day. I have been here since she came home from the hospital, over a week ago. Now we are running out of food, I seriously need a haircut and haven't worked out in two weeks. I told her today that I need to start going out on short trips to take care of stuff that needs to be taken care of. She started to cry. I wanted to gripe at her but didn't. Need advice!!

Answer 1

This kind of behavior is exactly what drives husbands of pregnant wives into other peoples' beds...
1) If you really love her, you'll just beat your meat for a while longer. Or buy a Fleshlight or something.
2) That part's ridiculous. Of course you have to leave the house. You have to go shopping, you have to go to work. She'll just have to get over it.

Answer 2

You should talk to my boyfriend! Okay one thing at a time.

1) I can understand what you're saying about sex. I haven't had any in four months. You will live. Also, does she have a lot of morning sickness? That's part of what prompted me to stop. All that moving only made it worse. Maybe she has had bad experiences in the past. Who knows?
2) She's 29 weeks pregnant. If the doctor put her on bed rest, it's likely that she is bored and lonely. Give her something to do. If there is a Super Center Wal-Mart in your area, wait until she goes to sleep at night to grocery shop. As for her being needy, that can't be helped. Every time i've gotten pregnant (working on my third now), I have turned semi-lazy. Part of that stems from hormones, and the body working overtime. As for the crying, I can't say much there. I cry at anything. I'm hormonal. Have someone come sit with her for a few hours a day while you get some you time. In this case,treat her like you would a child. If you have to find a baby-sitter, find one. It will give you a break from all the stress, and her someone new to talk to. And if you just end up griping at her, she'll think you resent her and your baby. Take a break!!!!

Answer 3

First of all, she's not being selfish, and neither are you.

Shes full of fears and hormones. ITs totally normal for a pregnant woman to not have any sex drive what so ever. It sucks for your horribly, but it will return at some point.

Also, she almost lost the baby, and in her head, even though its not born and the connection isnt the same for you, it was the single most frightning thing she had probably every experienced. To her that child already has a fully happy healthy life, and neatly losing it is horrible.

Shes scared and insecure about it and thats why she's being so clingy right now.

I would invest in some prepaid cell phones, and go out for only a short time here and there, try to go when you know she'll be occupied with something else. Napping or a tv show or something.

Remeber this is a huge ordeal for her too, more than just not having sex and feeling selfish. To you its a baby, and its exciting and wonderful, to her it is her reason for living right now, and her hormones make that all the more stronger.

Its hard i know, but just keep talking with her and reassuring her, and taking it little by little. She needs your support more than ever, and that can be a very hard thing. Going without sex for that long is horrible for you too, but at some point she'll be there for you again. Just give her time, remember you loved her enough to marry her and have this baby with her, and it will carry you through.

Answer 4

You can't stop taking care of yourself just because she needs a close watch on her. Keep a cell phone close (only if she NEEDS you), so she can call in case of an emergency. Go get some groceries, and a hair cut, that's ridiculous (ludacris!) that you should have to stay there 24/7. She should appreciate that she has a man such as yourself that's willing to be there as often as you have. She's gonna cry no matter what you do...SHE'S PREGNANT! That's what pregnant women do. Her hormones are raging and she's carrying another body around, she has a right to be emotional, but you shouldn't take it personal. About the sex, she should be willing to do SOMETHING for you, if nothing more than a little affection. Remind her the doctor says it's okay, and if she wants to hold off longer, also remind her of the additional time you'll have to wait once the baby arrives...at least 6 wks!!! She does sound kinda selfish (I don't know her side though to say for sure how she feels)...She's also lucky to have a man willing to WAIT so long w/o sexual contact. Continue being strong for you and her, but get out of the house before you drive each other nuts!

Answer 5

The last thing on her mind is sex. The fact that the doctor put her on bed rest at all gives some validation to her fears about sex during pregnancy and she may stay paranoid for the whole thing. Be a good husband and don't pressure her into more demands on her body. And lastly, how can you even use the word selfish towards her when her entire being is busy growing your child? That is ultimate selflessness. Treat her well, tell her she's beautiful and show her that you love her beyond sex and for the precious gift she is giving to you.

As far as ever getting out of the house, have a family member or trusted friend come stay with her so she doesn't become too anxious, and so that you have some time to refuel.

You're both almost there. Congrats and good luck.

Answer 6

1. You'll have sex again some day. It's probably best since your wife is one bed rest to just let her be. A lot of women lose their sexual desire during pregnancy, and it almost makes them sick to even think about it. It's not being selfish -- its nothing that can be helped and it's totally caused by hormones. Give it time and make sure you're caring for her.

2. She's probably all emotional from the preterm labor. The best you can do is just do what you need to do -- go shopping, go to the gym, take a break -- and you will be better equipped to care for her. Make sure you take your cell phone when you go out so she can contact you in case of an emergency.

Bottom Line -- the extra pregnancy hormones can make a woman totally crazy. If she's being WAY out of line, there might be an imbalance, but a little nuttyness during pregnancy is totally normal.

Answer 7

I totally understand where you all are coming from. Don't listen to the loser on her that states this is why husbands of pregnant women go to other ppls. beds.(HARRYHEDGEHOG) Although this may be true but its usually the WEAK men that CHOOSE to do that not the strong who really love there wifes and would do anything for her. She's carrying your baby for God's sake!!!Please don't forget that!! I too am pregnant with my 3rd and let me tell you its NO picnic!! Your uncomfortable/miserable and exhausted and you totally HATE the state your body is in and feel not the least bit attractive MOST of the time and sometimes even the thought of sex makes you want to puke.Even the smell of my hubbies shower gel is so overwhelming that I'd do just about anything to get away from it!!! It will all change in time. You have to be patient. (my husband knows that and is willing to wait w/o the PORN i might add) You must think about this too, TRY to put yourself in her shoes and it may shed some light on your situation. Second of all, there should be no reason why you should'nt be able to go out and run some QUICK errands with a CELL PHONE at hand. Believe you me the last thing you want is guilt on your hands for the rest of your life if something really bad happened to your wife or your baby. Just make sure she knows that you are not to far away and that she can call you whenever she feels the need too. Being pregnant is hard for the both of you but just remember when you see your first son or your first daughter it is well worth it in the end. Good luck to you and yours and I hope i have shed alittle bit of light and have helped in some way. Take care.

Answer 8

All the answers above are good advices. Just let me tell you about the sex part. She must be scared to death if she is or have been in bed rest. If she went into preterm labor, having sex will make things worse, is a fact that having sex can induce labor during the last weeks of pregnancy (or when someone is having preterm labor symptoms). I don't want to be negative, but don't expect much after delivery either. After labor, hormones don't help you with the sex drive, the tiredness from the lack of sleep won't help much either. So, this is going to be a test for your patience and understanding. But everything is going to be as it was before. Good luck and congrats on the new baby

Answer 9

Speaking from a woman who was pregnant- I think it sounds like it is a little bit of both- You guys really just need to communicate as hard as that may seem. When I was pregnant- I still wanted to have sex- My husband on the other hand didn't and we didn't have sex for probably 6-7 months until our daughter was at least about 6 weeks old- and I know that this hurt our marriage to some degree- because once we were intimate again- things kind of felt fairly weird (unfamiliar)......

....and I can see being there for her since she had preterm labor and all that but YOU do need your space too....especially if there is a baby coming you guys need to find some time for yourselves- and with each other...if that makes any sense- because once you have the baby unless you have people that are going to babysit all the time- stuff just doesn't happen like it used to.....(showers, exercise......make-up.....etc.) Our daughter is 18 months now- and she is a little blessing - and I get my time to myself every morning by getting up before she is awake- husband stays home and I go swimming early.....like 5:30 a.m. - So anyways- HATED to ramble just giving you some options/opinions.

....but no...I personally don't think your being selfish.....

Answer 10

Ok...I'm going to be perfectly honest here...

Are you being selfish?

Problem 1...yes, I think you are being selfish.

Problem 2...no, I think she is being selfish.

First problem: I think it's pretty normal not to want to have sex when you're that far along. It's really uncomfortable, dude, trust me. She may be saying she's worried about the baby to save your feelings. Don't push it...just "take care of yourself", if you know what I mean. But don't let her catch you because it might hurt her feelings.

Second problem: I think the preterm labor thing scares her a lot. It would scare me too, but if she's not still on bed rest maybe you can take her along with you for these trips. But just remember that her hormones are raging right now and this is not the woman you know. She'll be back after the baby is born but for now, she's a totally different person.

I've really got to hand it to you though. You sound like a patient man and I applaud you for holding back your anger and whatnot. Good job. Keep it up because this won't last much longer!

Good luck to you and your wife!

Answer 11

Whatever you do, don't have sex now. Considering your wife went into preterm labor, sex will almost definitely cause it to happen again. Take it from a Mom whose baby was born at 25 weeks! You don't want a preemie. You and your wife are very lucky that her labor was caught early enough to be stopped.

Now, if your wife has done any reading on preemies/bedrest/pre-term labor in one of her pregnancy books, believe me, she's in NO mood for sex or anything else that is sexual. I understand that you as a first time Dad may know nothing about pre-term labor or preemies. But if she does, it totally explains her emotional state right now. I can completely understand why she literally does not want to be alone right now. She's terrified that she'll be alone, go into labor, and no one will be there to help her. So I like the suggestion of having a family member or friend come to stay with her while you go out and do what needs to be done. You are right, things need to be done, like food shopping, paying bills, getting haircuts. If you suggest having someone else come over, she'll really be proud of you! It shows compassion and that you are taking this grave situation very seriously; which she'll definitely appreciate.

I don't think you are being selfish with the sex thing. It's part of life and you miss your wife. And in a normal pregnancy, it IS ok to have sex. But now your wife's pregnancy has become high risk. You should ask your wife questions about preemies and preterm labor and bedrest. You should tell her that you want to read up on it a bit so you can better understand what she's going through. This is your child too, and believe me, if you knew what some preemies went through, you would definitely understand why your wife has zero desire for any kind of sexual activity. If you reach out to her with that kind of understanding, by offering to learn about what she's going through, you'll deepen your relationship more than you ever could with some sexual activities. She's going through a very scary time right now. Pregnancy, especially a first one, should be one of the happiest times in a woman's life. That dream has now been shattered for her. She's scared, anxious, and very nervous. It's an emotional state that's very confusing. Please be there for her. She needs you right now more than ever.

And by the way, I think it's awesome that you sought out answers before nagging your wife! You're definitely a caring and thoughtful husband! GREAT JOB!