Is my husband abusive or does it just result from anger?

Question

He's like a pie....3/4 is the most amazing, care, loving, sensitive man you can think of. This is the part I married...but 1/4 of him comes out when he is angry. This is the part that will say whatever he can to me to hurt me in that moment. Comments have consisted of, I'm lazy, out of shape, bi**hy, mean, uncaring, even that I am gay cause I don't initiate sex...etc. He doesn't get that those comments he can so easily forget have stayed in my mind. The next day, or a few hours later, he's like his old self. He has been physical in the past, some of the times causing bruises, each time ripping apart my self worth...When he gets in his "rages" he is incapable of listening, and either talks over me, or doesn't shut up for 3 seconds. He'll talk to himself and make his own conclusions based on assumptions he just said. Its like I don't even have to be there for him to blame me for things. He's a different being when he's angry. What do I do when the only thing wrong with him is the anger?

Answer 1

counselling... he obviously needs it... for his anger.. and you.. to help boost your self esteem back up...

good luck

Answer 2

Marisa,
Whenever a man turns to a physical anger you should see a red flag. Usually this kind of abuse will escalate into something much more serious.There is never any legitimate reason for a man to hurt a woman. He is also abusing you verbally in the mean things he says. If he will not talk about this openly with you,I would give serious consideration to some kind of conseling.It sounds as if he has some anger management issues.

Answer 3

There could be several answers here but it will take a professional to tell for sure. Some possibilities are:

- substance abuse (causes raging mood swings)
- chemical inbalance
- anger management issues
- stress & diet
- etc., etc.

The most important thing is your physical and emotional safety and you are in danger from both angles.

Get him to seek counseling. If he won't, go by yourself. Keep in mind that the ultimate decision may be to leave the 3/4 to avoid the 1/4.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 4

Abuse is abuse whether 1/4 or how ever you want to measure it, the result is all the same=abuse. It is wrong and you need to do something about it, pronto! It is against the law for anyone to physically harm another human being and there is no excuse! You should seek professional councelling immiately, and see your physician and tell him/her what's been going on, so they can give you proper referral to good councelling concerning this very serious issue. It will not go away on it's own, and you cannot make him stop, it will continue! You describe your abusive husband like a piece of pie, 1/4 of a piece...now...how long before one piece of pie does it take to make a whole pie get bad...say it's beginning to mold, and it's left there...does that mold transfer throughout the rest of that pie, if no one touches it...think about that for one second...the answer is obviously yes of course the whole pie goes bad. Alright, now your husband is that one piece of pie, the 1/4 and you are the remaining 3/4... how much of his desease we call abuse...right now...will it take before you the 3/4 of pie become affected, infected, before you become completely ruined, or worse. I cannot stress that enough! You need to get out of there! You need to be safe! How do I know that...I've been there, done that...but I am so lucky to be alive, and talk about it! I did survive! Some are not so lucky! You need to heal...let the professionals do their job, they know what they are doing! You have a right to happiness and you have a right to live without fear! I thought I would be brave and endure for the sake of multiple choices...it took a hospital bed to wake me up! Don't be his victim! I was terrified...to wake up like that...strangers, doctors etc...those events are like yesterday to me, but I can tell you determination, a lot of hard work, and beautiful supportive people did help me turn all that ugly turmoil around, and you know what, I am so happy to have received their encouragement and continued support, because, I am really happy today, and I do enjoy life. I do know how precious it is. You are a special person, and you deserve the best life has to offer you! Let him crumble his own world of self-destruction, and take yourself into a world of beautiful life filled with happiness, I mean, real happiness! You be good to yourself! Don't keep your secret to yourself! Make sure your family knows, your father, your mother etc your friends, once you are out of there! Wishing you courage in your path to refuge
and hoping you will stay safe! From my heart to yours!

Answer 5

Make him go to anger management classes if he intends on saving your marriage that you can't live with the whole Mr. Jeckle and Mr. hide person, He is abusing you and it is going to only get worse........... why did you stay with him after the first time he got physical with you????? If you already know that he is going to erupt like a valcano at the sound of you possibly leaving if he refuses counciling for his anger and abuse.......... and I am sure you know he will, then I suggest you take the time he is not home to get out, get with a family member or friend where he can't find you and you demand these things if he wants you back at home and wants your marriage to be safe and together. I even suggest that you suggest couples therapy for his anger so that you can be there and see that he is going. Anger Management classes are a plus as long as they are going because they know they need the help. Good luck, and Blessed Be........... You know you are being abused........... Get out.

Answer 6

GET COUNSELING OR GET OUT!! No form of abuse is acceptable!! Why would you even want sex, let alone initiate it, with someone who treats you like that?? I don't care if it totals one month out of twelve that he is in this "mood", it is no excuse!! You don't need to do anything, and you can't, for his anger. He has to deal with it, admit it is a problem and get help for it. Until he does, it is not going to stop.
I was an abused wife--physically and emotionally. When I was married, he had way more sex than I did; I was called rotten names in front of family and friends and I took quite a few swats/punches/slaps, etc. I made excuses for him like "it only happens when he's drinking"; "it only happens when he's mad" and "it only happens if I say something I shouldn't". I stayed in that bullshit for 7 years thinking I could do something to make it better. Finally, I took the last hit and insult and threw his *** out. My kids and I are so much better now than we ever could have been. Good luck..best wishes...and please, do something before it turns physically and you become a statistic.

Answer 7

You need to sit your huaband down during a time when he isnt in a mood and tell him what your feelings are. There are classes and therapy aimed at this problem. Anger management courses can be a life saver. If he is unwilling to attend or seek individual counseling, I would have to leave him. The problem with this is that the episodes of anger are going to eventually become more frequent and escalate, maybe even to the point he does you bodily harm.

Answer 8

Well... my husband is the exact same way. Deep down I know I should leave because one day he could really hurt me. But he has brought my self esteem down so low that I dont think I can do better. And we have a baby together and she loves him so much. He has never once been out of line to her and he never loses his temper when she is around. So I always wonder... maybe it is me. But if you are strong enough then I think you should leave while you can. And by the way, he is in anger management right now so he is at least trying to get better. Maybe you should talk to your husband about that too.

Answer 9

I say, through personal experiences, you sure do have the makings of an abusive partner. getting out is tough, because of the love you feel, yet i get a sense your trying to hang on to yourself too. Take some time off from the relationship, and perhaps think about your personal,and inner needs. You are a precious person,and you are the maker of your universe...please remember the you in you...you are irreplaceable,and it is a tough struggle comming back, but you are strong,and a survivor as a final result.

Answer 10

sounds like u really care about your husband to be worried to ask these questions well i would get him into a doctor and let them run some tests sounds like he is bi/polar but if not then it must just stem from anger and he knows he can get away with treating u like that cause u let him. if it is a medical condition stand by him and let him get treated for it. if it is not a medical condition tell him u r gonna leave if he does not get anger managment classes and most important get counseloing for yourself!!! with all of that your self esteem and self worthness will be very low and u will soon start to believe in what he is saying to u keep your chin up and good luck.

Answer 11

Sounds like you're married to my ex-husband.

It's not your fault, what he's doing is abusive to you. It won't get any better without a big effort FROM HIM. He needs counseling and anger management. You're his wife, you should be the most important, most loved, most precious person in his life. He's treating you worse than he would a stranger. I suggest you separate and seek counseling, individually, then together. If he doesn't want to work on his anger and your relationship, just get a divorce. I know it sounds drastic and I don't know if you have kids, but you (and the kids) would be better off alone than with him.