How do I let go of fear and enjoy my husband?

Question

My husband was having an affair with another woman and now we are trying to work on our relationship. When we are together, I really enjoy being with him, think about what happened, and get insecure and push him away. How can I let go of my fears and learn to appreciate and enjoy time with him? I know it takes time, but what steps can I take to let go of my fear?

I also want to know how I can have a normal conversation with him? I constantly want to talk about what happened and find myself expressing doubts to him. I don't want to be like this.

Answer 1

First, if you have truly forgiven him, then stop talking about it. Don't pick out of the garbage what you are trying to throw away. Begin the path to heal your marriage. If he has truly told you that he will never do it again, then all you have is his word to go by, so go by it. Allot of times when affairs happen the party who had the affair will normally leave there wife or husband and go with the person that they had the affair with. But your husband didn't do that so there has to be truth. Its time to go through the forgiving process don't talk about, when he trys to get close to you, let him. He wants to make it right or he wouldn't still be with you.

Answer 2

What are you afraid of whatever it is your waisting time(yourself) om something that has already past shake it off & move on otherwise you'll ruin your life one day at a time by festering on it. Always do the next right thing for a positive outcome(life) Nock it off do not bring it up again go talk to a friend or therapist & keep it to oyurself don't make a big deal about If you insist in living in the past you will stay there & eventually loose your husband & marriage & family.I do know it hurts get through the pain, & most certainly do not play head games or be sarcastic or anything negative regarding his infidelity. & if you talk to a friend don't wine & feel sorry for your self talk about to move on & trust again,
you do have very much to gain in your relationship from trusting then not trusting. Your Choice!! No one elses.
peter

Answer 3

That sounds like a very difficult situation. As long as you are having fears and doubts, you need to talk with him about them, after all he is your husband and if you both want to stay together then you need to communicate. Easier said than done! Why did he cheat on you? Your doubts aren't going to go away by supressing them, or trying to forget about them. He needs to understand that you are hurting and though you may love him, your heart needs to heal. What more is you need to talk about it, to get it off your chest and work together to solve the problems/issues that caused him to cheat in the first place. Maybe you two should explore the idea of couples counseling, though I don't know anyone who has ever done it nor do I know if it works. Whatever it is, try to work it out with him and face your fears head on, otherwise you will continue to be doubtful and hurting. And think long and hard about what you want. Best of luck!

Answer 4

What you are going through is the normal process of things. You need to ask all the questions you are, you need the answers to even the simplest of things, this is what helps you put it to rest. It is the not knowing and feeling in the dark that keeps these situations alive. I had an affair on my husband 7 years ago, and he asked every question known to man. I answered them with total honesty. As far as being with your husband and it popping into your head and you then pushing him away, this is something that when it happens you need to tell yourself " He is with me" The waters your treading are very scary and I'm sure your fearful he may hurt you again, but you have to be strong in your commitment to work on the marriage. He also needs to be forthcoming with every detail in order for you to resolve your feelings of insecurity. My best to you both, this can be done, I"m living proof of it.

Answer 5

The thing is...forgiving/forgetting. If you love him enough to forgive and forget. I have learned one thing in life, you have to be COMFORTABLE with the person you are with! Once the comfort is lost, the love is lost.

The old adage once a cheat, always a cheat, I don't believe, I believe people can change, but you have to be able to talk to each other and have that comfort to delve into each others feelings.

Talk, listen both ways. He needs to be just as open as you and you BOTH need to deal with why it happened.

It takes time for the heart to heal, it takes longer for the mind to forget! Most of the time the reason isn't you, it's their weakness, thats why you need to get it all out in the open so you can move on.

It will get better, ask him why he chose to stay with you, you will be surprised and happy with what he says, I'm sure!

Answer 6

Counselling is the only way to break the vicious circle and to improve your communiaction skills as a couple.
You have to learn to express youer feelings without the anger and the doubt,. rebuilding trust is hard work and if you both chose to stay together and work things out, then you should do your part and let go, other wise, if he aklready strayed and you are pushing him away, then he may do just that: walk away just as you wanted.
Youa re pushing him away because yyou want hin to reach out to you and to ackowledge the pain that he has caused you. You are not over that and youa re prending that you are over it... but it's eating you alive and not communicating your feelings is going to make you a negative grudge-holding person.

Seek couple's therpy now, or the help of a counselor or a pastor/rabbi.

Good luck

Answer 7

It seems like there may be a lot of unresolved feelings there. You can't move on until you clear the air. Why can't you talk to him about it? Ask questions, tell him how you feel and let it out.

If you've decided to stay with him, he has to regain your trust (if that's possible). And it won't happen at all unless y'all discuss your feelings openly. After you get it out, you'll probably feel better and be able to think about it less. But don't let it all build up because it'll all come out in a big blow up.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Answer 8

His cheating on you will always be in your head. It is really hard to push it aside or get over it, but if you find in yourself that due to his cheating that you cannot trust him anymore then you shouldn't be with him anymore. He broke this trust and marriage vow to you-so it would be very hard to gain that trust back if you are able to or if it is possible. You need to be with someone whom you can trust, that's faithful to you, and someone that you can count on and be able to express yourself without him getting upset or angry. Without trust, love, and communication-the marriage, statistically, is apt to fail-no matter how bad you don't want it to. You can't stop him from cheating on you-if ever he does it again and you can't stop yourself from always thinking about what he will do or what he is doing at that moment. Once a trust has been broken-it will never be the same as it was before.

Answer 9

Just by the way you posed your question, you seem like a quality woman. I am amazed that you can say this type of thing about yourself in a situation like this and you truly want to get past this and on to happiness.

I think that just the fact that you see what you are doing, says that you will find a way to talk it out and stop it. Please ignore the bitter old women whos only advice is to 'divorce his @ss.

Good luck, I think you truly have a chance to get past this with your hubby.

Answer 10

May I suggest that you take the following steps, with him? First, have him read the book, "Every Man's Battle", along with you each night. The book contains case studies from men who have engaged in various types of sexual immorality, and it shows them firsthand what kinds of damage those engagements have brought to their marriages. Second, I recommend talking with him, while maintaining as much of a non-aggressive posture as possible, about what led him to pursue his previous course of action. If that is not possible, because of his undesire to talk about it, or because of an inability to discuss the subject because of the possibility of argument, then you might seek outside assistance through a pastor, marriage counselor, etc. Some men may hesitate at this point due to them not wanting to "air their dirty laundry", but it is very important that you re-establish your communication lines. Good communication, and trust are both built over time, and you may have to be patient for some time before both are re-established. My thoughts and prayers are with you and husband during this difficult time. May God be with you both. Thanks.