Ok, here's a really tough one: Is it wrong for me, a black woman, to not be attracted to black men?

Question

Sadly, I've found that most of the black guys I've hung around with have no sense of purpose or direction in their lives, and knowing what one plans to do with one's life is one of the main things I look for in a man. Also, I hate to be stereotypical, but I find most of the black men I've been around to be rather...loud. And vulgar. And obnoxious.
I know that's the exception and not the rule, but I'm kind of running out of hope here. Where have all the good black men gone?

Am I setting my standards too high if I dream of dating and marrying a black astrophysicist or geneticist?

I'm in college, living in a small campus town. There are maybe 20 African-American men here, and almost all of them are in remedial classes. I have yet to meet one black physics or math major here.
I've tried going to lectures, club meetings, you name it. No such luck. Can anyone give me some ideas on where to try next?

Answer 1

Black men hold little appeal for me, as well. At least not in that way.

Answer 2

Its not wrong. I just hate when black men and black women turn to other races not because of attraction but because of what a few other people in the group has done. Like you said yourself its the exception and not the rule. So, why give up on all black men because of what some previous cats have done? Have you ever thought about or considered where you are meeting these people at? That may no the reason for the bad outcomes. Try to figure out where good black men might hang out and go to those places. If you always do what you always done you always get what you always gotten. You can't find a good black men if you're looking in the same places you found the bad ones.

Answer 3

Hey girl, I'm looking for the good black men, too.
Now regarding your situation, I dont think that you are not attracted to black men, I just think that you are not attracted to a certain type of behavior. We all know that all black men are not the same so dont let the bad apples turn you totally off. However, maybe you should take into consideration where you are meeting these people. Is it in the bar or club? Try finding love in more positive places: i.e. church, the library, museums, etc. Maybe join some different organizations that cater to your interests and you may not only be able to find someone but you two will have something in common.

Anyway, I completely understand your frustration and the pickings do seem to be slim. I absolutely LOVE our black brothers, nothing like them in the world. BUT I'm keeping my options open and I encourage you to do the same.

Peace.

Answer 4

I personally believe that love is color blind. Everyone has some sort of "dream person" they'd like to marry or be with. You are attracted to whom you are attracted to.

Not all black men are loud obnoxious, etc. I know and am friends with quite a few black men who are very successful, mature, well mannered, etc. One of them happens to be a chemist for the govt. One works for NASA, etc.

No matter what race, creed, or nationality - there will be men that you may feel in your opinion are rude, obnoxious, loud, etc. But that's just....their personality.

Don't let go of hope. But also don't be interested in a man solely because of his career or race.

Date casually (make friends), take your time. Really get to know the men that you date to learn about them- not just a "quick observation". Don't jump on the first man you see because you think all the good men are gone. I promise you, there's a wonderful man in the world for you, and if your patient someday you'll both find each other.

Blessings To You & Yours

Answer 5

Aboslutely not. Attraction is so much deeper than skin color. I am a white woman who is madly in love with her black b/f. I still see white men, along with other races, that I find attractive, but I am sticking with the one I have!! He is wonderful..kind, caring, very calm demeanor, great dad to his kids...and yes, he has his faults, but don't we all? It is part of being individuals. Good luck in your search...you will find a good man, period, no matter his race. :o) OH wait a minute, I just read some of the other answers....talk about ignorance at its best!!! Just because she is a black woman not afraid to voice how she feels, why is it said she "can't be" black?? Why was she asked if she is a cleaning lady? And, for the *** who made the very rude comment about black men (never amounting to anything), do some research dude!! How many serial killers are black?? Done..this could spew off into a whole new question area....lol

Answer 6

Is it wrong? No. Will it make it difficult for you culturally? Possibly, since there is a lot of phobic reaction in the black community to women dating anyone other than a black man. However, there is little point in faking attraction to a particular type of man just to please your culture/community.

I sense though that you know your generalization is very unfair. There are certainly plenty of loud and obnoxious men in other races, so disregarding black men as potential partners is not a guarantee of success. Maybe you are just looking for the good guys in the wrong places.

Try joining community organizations, non-profits etc as a volunteer, and see if that changes who you meet. It could. Most likely, it's the source of your friendships that's at the bottom of the problem.

Answer 7

No, it's not wrong. You're not saying that you don't date black men because you don't like their looks. That would be racist. But you're looking for somebody stable, dependable, intelligent, and with whom you can have a conversation, it sounds like. Most of the black men you run into do not meet those standards. That's not wrong, and you're not setting your standards too high. There's no point in being with someone you can't stand. I've got a black friend who tells me the same thing. She's having a time finding a good black man, too. I've met a few (always taken, of course) so I know they're out there. You've just got to keep your eye out. Good luck. ^_^ Don't let circumstances outside your control make you feel like you're doing something wrong.

Answer 8

Hi, Your not wrong at all. Do not deny yourself what attracts you in a man. This is what makes up you, Simply, you must try to find what is for you. Every culture of man (men & woman) have certain traits associated with them, usually people of the same culture dont see them as traits, but more of whats normal, thus cultivating better acceptance of the other. It is NOT unusual for one culture to find another culture more attractive, based on those traits, or lack of.
This also applies to language, some woman love to hear an Italian accent in a man, which makes them melt. So don't be afraid to go after what makes you melt, those are your morals and principals, color has nothing to do with it. Best of luck.

Answer 9

I do not see it as wrong to seek a different nationality for ones mate. But first you might try looking in places where the kind of man you are looking for would hang out. Where would a well educated man hang out? Libraries, book stores, Country Clubs, Gyms, Churches etc.. If you are looking in Bars and Night clubs or places where the typical loud, vulgar man frequents then that is what you will find. "Birds of a feather flock together".

Answer 10

Cool question. I say it doesnt matter and go for it. Love can be found in any color. What you want is someone to treat you like a princess and who finds life exciting being around you. Take out the requirements for race and where they Should come from and you will find bliss in an individual. It also sounds like even though there is a shortage of good black men in your area you're still looking for them. What for? And who are you passing up instead?

Answer 11

Your standards are NOT too high. And I don't think you should let it bother you in the least. You're not going to pair up with a person who represents a race. Your potential partner has to have the qualities that make you want to be around him. That's always a stew with a lot of ingredients, but it's YOUR recipe. Don't give in to mistaken "popular" notions or pressure on this. Nobody really knows what it's like to be you. In the long run, you'll have to live with your decisions, and these "advisers" are NOT going to be much help if you give in to silly pressures and make your life miserable.