How should you handle culture differences, without insulting someone?

Question

My boyfriend is from a country where, although not as common, still seems to hold onto the idea that women take care of the family, make dinner, and take on more of the home care burden then the men. Every now and then we'll fight because our place is a disordered. The reason we fight is because he always makes comments about me being American in regards to what he (I think) secretly believes are women's roles in the home. When he brings it up he talks to me like I should know this, and is flabbergasted that I do not. I feel like he's trying to parent me sometimes. He makes comments for instance that since I was basically raised by my Dad, I must not have learned how to clean or take care of the home. Wish he was a fly on the wall, because my Dad was strict about chores. I also did not pay to live there, so I had to help out! My philosophy is that if you make the mess, you clean it. I'm not his mother. That usually makes him more angry, but I grew up learning to be independent and taking care of my own messes! How do I tell him that this is my way, American or not.

Answer 1

Umm, regardless of whether there are significant cultural differences between the two of you or not, it iS VERY obvious that the two of you do not get along generally because neither of you know or appreciate each other's traits and differences.

I am certain your arguments are not limited to just cultural/racial/gender/nationality differences but to personalities and compatibility as well. Again, if you can't stand it now, it will get worse as time progresses. Be grateful you are not married yet because you can still dump him and do better.

Answer 2

I come from a country which is multi racial and multi religious though there is a clear dominant religion and race. I have many friends of all groups and I have dated from all groups. How we handle is simply by not bringing in race or religion to the table - you are free to live by your beliefs, so am I.

What is important is that both sacrifice a little bit to satisfy each other - that I believe is love and the foundation for a good relationship. I cannot expect you to be 100 % my type nor it is unfair of you to make me change everything for you... it is a 50 - 50 situation.

In your case - may be you can be a bit more of a homely person, at the same time, make him understand that there is a limit that you go and make sure that you don't cross the line. You can continue the relationship based on that understanding, and if not, better to call off now it self.

Other important thing is to communicate and make the person understand what you like and what you don't like - then come to a compramise on both sides.

Answer 3

The most successful relationships are those which have an equal division of labour. This may mean that each person has their own responisibilities, or that all tasks are shared. If you explain this to him and he is nonresponsive, then I say that you have deeper issues relating to respect. If he is unwilling to respect you as an equal partner then you will forever be struggling against his desire to shape you into a domestic maid. Eventually this will drive a wedge between the two of you.

I have been in a relationship where my boyfriend was a slob, and never lifted a finger to help with any chores. Whilst he wasn't exactly living with me, he spent enough time in my abode that he created mess. It got to me so much, along with other behaviours which indicated that I wasn't really his priority, that I ended up cheating on him out of sheer exasperation. (He became so lazy that sex was nonexistent, and I had the decency to break it off the next time I saw him.) It was the easiest decision of my life. He was all take, and I was all give.

I am currently in a relationship which has lasted 8 fabulous years. Immediately I noticed the difference with this man. He initiated cleaning up. I nearly fell over when he pulled out the vacuum cleaner, or when he washed the dishes without being asked to. I can't describe how much of a difference this has made to the way that I feel towards him. By his initiative he showed me that I am his equal, not his carer, and that he wants to look after me just as much as I want to look after him. He cooks beautifully, and is quite adventurous with his meals. I feel like I'm being treated like his queen. We have shared tasks and individual tasks based on our abilities. It's the nature of sharing that makes it work so well. If you don't have this, then you're really settling for less than you deserve, and I don't think that has anything to do with cultural training. I think it has to do with attitude. If you can't change your boyfriend's attitude now, I can't imagine that you ever will.

My Q? to you is: Do you want to spend your life caring for someone capable of, yet unwilling to, care for themselves? Or, do you want what I have demonstrated is possible? The choice is yours. Try to convince him of your point of view, and how important it is to you. If not successful, you may have to decide to leave him and find someone who truly values and cherishes you. These men do exist. You just have to stumble across one. I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

Well, you two obviously need to work this out some way, or your future will be bleak. Eventually it will erode your relationship in many ways. The only way to deal with it is tell him how you feel, and your philosophy on cleaning. If he can't deal with that, and won't yield a little on his philosophy, you have a big problem. However, you also need to yield a little. Problems between couples are usually resolved by compromise, with each side giving in a little. If you two can't compromise on how you keep the house clean, down the road when really big problems come up, you'll be in trouble. If you love each other, you can do this.

Answer 5

Remind him that in a home where the woman cooks, cleans, and takes care of everything, the man is financially supporting her 100%. Ask him if he wants you to quit your job so that you can take care of him. I'm not saying you should, but you'll see a good reaction out of him with that threat.

All of that being said, why do you stay with this guy? He sounds like a real jerk, and I doubt that it will get better. Men who think this way can easily become wife beaters. They get frustrated because you have a mind of your own, and they resort to hitting.

Does this jerk behave this way and criticize you in front of your dad? If he doesn't, that means that he knows he's wrong, and just picks on you because you're a weak girl.

Really, think long and hard about what you really see in this guy. Is it worth being treated like you're nothing?

Answer 6

Although this gives the appearance of being about cultural differences it really isn't. He's shown major disrespect to your father and the way he's raised you. He's showing disrespect to you by treating you like you're a child and he has to ' parent' you. There are some bad signs of control freak issues being shown to you here and it won't get better with time, it's bound to get worse.

I think I'd rethink this relationship as he doesn't seem at all willing to compromise. He's in America now , not the old country. If he wants a wife to be like they are in the old country then go find one there.

I'm seeing some mysogny here and I think you really have to think about what you want in a relationship or a possible marriage partner.

Answer 7

Either he views you as a partner, or he does not. End of story. What people did in previous generations has no influence on today's realities. Since almost everyone works to pay the enormous tax loads virtually all governments levy on their serfs, I mean citizens, it is imperative we all help each other out in the home.

If your husband would like to return to the traditional ways, ask him to merely reform governments world-wide so women don't have to work in the marketplace anymore. He can instead work two jobs or come up with some other way to replace your income and you can keep the kitchen tidy.

Answer 8

Depending on how entrenced these beliefs are in you boyfriend you may find that this will only get worse in time as he may not change. If you were to marry he may start to demand that you do as you are told as this is the way he was raised. You way want to reconsider this relationship and you may end up very unhappy. If you have met his parents have a look at what is done within the family and decide if you can live with this, it may be your fate.

Answer 9

Mainly in the east this thought of women taking care of the home and family is strong and if you are not the type of woman that chooses this way of life the best thing to do is part from your boyfriend. It is not right for you to wish to change him nor is it right for him to try and change you. Neither of you can be what you are not. Good Luck..

Answer 10

Simply tell him that you were brought up that if you made the mess, you clean it up. You can understand that he's used to the woman being the one that takes care of it all, but you aren't going to "mother" after him. I think if you sit down and discuss it all, maybe you two will find common ground and come up with a solution for a peaceful homelife. :)