Husband buying me lingerie i don't like - Help!?

Question

I found out my accident that hubby is buying me some "sexy" undies for my birthday but there are a few problems:
1. I don't enjoy parading myself in this sort of thing as my self esteem is not good.
2. Our marriage is pretty much loveless anyway - and although I can appreciate that he is trying to revive the lust, I just don't feel it for him
3. I would really rather avoid confrontation, but it is getting tricky to fake pleasure when we actually do have sex - i would rather be doing something else.
I know there are fundamental problems in our marriage which I will have to sort out one day, but for now how do I get through the birthday underwear thing?

Answer 1

Grin and bear it, unless you want your relationship to end on your birthday. And work out the rest of those issues soon.

Answer 2

First of all, give yourself a slap and wake up. It sounds like your lack of self esteem is the factor that is really causing the problem. You need to start being assertive in your relationship, putting your needs as a priority and making sure that your husband knows it. No one else can do this for you. You have to do this for yourself. Your problems in order:

1. You wouldn't be parading around in your lingerie I don't suppose. Parading around is when you wander around naked in the ladies changing room without a care in the world or exhibit yourself in a thong and oil on a nudist beach. You would be wearing your lingerie in front of your loving husband who obviously finds you attractive. There is nothing exhibitionist about this.
2. If you don't feel any lust for your husband then you have serious realtionship problems that you need to sort out. It might be that you are tired from work, try getting your husband to do some more housework, or it might be that you are scared of losing control during sex in which case you need to find a way of making love that makes you feel empowered rather than used. For example, get him to give you oral sex, manual stimulation or a massage, have a bath together, cuddle and kiss, go on top when you have intercourse, these are all ways to make you feel like you are in charge and worthy of love.
3. Avoiding confrontation is one thing, avoiding communication is quite another. Don't fake pleasure when making love. How is yur husband ever going to learn to please you? You may hurt his feelings at first when you tell him you have been faking. Telling your husband will be the start of a beautiful journey in exploring what you can do to pleasure each other. Try to see it as an adventure into unknown territory that can bring only happiness.

In short use the lingerie gift as a way of beginning to talk through your problems together and ultimately to sort out your marriage. You have been given an opportunity. Don't waste it.

Answer 3

Truly sorry that your marriage is loveless. However, it is better to have a heart to heart with him befor the birthday and lay it all out. Maybe he will cancel the order.

More importantly, it is not healthy to continue without communicating actualy thoughts and feelings, you are simply burying your head in the sand.

Why would you think that communicating your feelings is a "confrontation"? Then again, if it is a confrontation, so what? It is better to get things like this out of the way and perhaps encourage the two of you to seek counseling or other such help.

So, Lingerie is the least of the problems. Sorry for this "negative" toned reply....

Answer 4

The sex issues are probably just the result of other problems in your marriage. If you were connecting on a more personal level, you'd be far more likely to start reconnecting in a sexual way as well. If you'd rather be doing something else when you are having sex, you need to ask yourself what you could do that would make your sex life more interesting.

As far as the lingerie thing goes, it's not that big a deal. Just tell him you're not really comfortable with them, and don't wear them until you get your problems worked out and your sex life back on track. Keep them as a trophy to celebrate once things are back on track! And let him know, before he goes shopping again, that next time you want to go shopping with him next time and pick something out together that you are both comfortable with!

Answer 5

Jen I think the undies are more for him than you , not that I he wants to wear them..... but then again , lol. lingerie is such a tuff thing to buy for a lady thats been married for a long time . It can be to cheap looking in the moral scenes it can be to over the top or to risque it can be well to be honest not a mother and wife thing to wear . I think He has a bigger problem than what undies his angel wears he looks like he needs to get help or the only thing in his life will be the swinging door as you head on down the road Tell him that you want a hair dyer for your birthday or what ever just make it clear that that's what you want not panties or a bra ,I know some guys wont take that as a
hint but drill it into him

Answer 6

first of all you cant have a marriage without communication; second, it seems like your husband is trying to make the marriage work and all you are doing is shutting him out; third of all, for the sake of your marriage you need to first take care of your own personal issues with self esteem and what not and then get some serious marriage counseling because getting online and telling strangers about your "loveless marriage" is not going to solve anything. Best of luck sorry if i was a bit harsh.

Answer 7

I think you've got bigger issues to resolve than the lingerie.

Why is your marriage loveless? Why the loss of passion? Does he know this (presumably he suspects or feels something, which would explain him wanting to add a bit of a spark)? Do you talk about it?

Maybe he's got you the birthday lingerie as a way for you to sort out these bigger issues? He probably knows that you're not going to like wearing it, so maybe he's trying to force your hand into opening the discussion?

Answer 8

Can't you make suggestions as to what you would like for your birthday. You could always refer to an ad in a magazine or on telly for sexy undies and make a comment about how tacky you think they are. But if there are problems in your marriage, then they do need sorting out sooner rather than later.

Answer 9

Wow you don't do problems by half!

I know you don't want to confront this issue, but if not now then when? It's the middle of August and Christmas is just around the corner.(I know from my own marriage that I couldn't face another Christmas, and we split in the October)

Lets be honest with each other at least as say this isn't about the Underwear?

Answer 10

Wow... just read a **** load of crappy and half decent answers.

Ok, #1: Your selfesteem needs to be boosted, we don't have the whole picture as to why you are not happy with you body, we don't know what he has done to cuase this either-- if he has at all.

So solution #1: Get yourself out to the pool more, and do a little workout at home. Change your diet, as in eat foods that are full of energy and protein giving you a moral energy boost. Take one day at a time and don't let things get you down. Do this for yourself, not him, no-one else... ONLY YOU!

#2 a loveless marriage doesn't exist, only pain and biterness caused by the fact that someone we love doesn't treat us how we would like to be treated, for that reason, if you can't sit down and talk about these things and work it out for yourself, go see a marriage councellor and get some help. It will help make any decisions you need to make.

#3 - Avoiding confrontation is not good... the issue is not over the lingerie... it's over your refusal to accept your husband forwho is and accept yourself for who you have become.

When having sex... is there any thoughts of desire to do it with someone else? Have you become bored with your sex life?

If so, perhaps you both need to explore and indulge in thrilling experiences that make it more fun and passionate... if you haven't already tried it... why not see how many public places you can shag without getting caught ---- or test as many different positions as possible... see if you can get aroused by him role playing, or you...

THe sexual preferences and desires in a marriage can have an adverse affect on the relationship, especially where men are concerned. That means you have to analyse what you want from the relationship and talk to each other.

If you are not into lingerie... explain why, maybe there's somethign else he can do to make you feel appreciated... becuase I think that's his aim with the lingerie....

IF you want to feel appreciated by your man before anything else... I suggest you tell him what he doesn't ´know, and I know that two people who know each other intimately should know each other's pet likes and dislikes, and how to make eacho ther feel appreciated... but it might go a lot deeper with your husband.

THe lingerie end of things is insecurity... but it goes so much deeper for you... so please, get help before it's too late.

Good luck.

Answer 11

I think you really have a problem in your marriage. You should also appreciate your hubby for even trying to surprise you and for trying to revive the desire in your relationship. I think you better talk to your husband. If you really love each other, you will try your best to patch things up. Try to talk and really be open to one another. Try to know the root of the problem. Be open I think that's better rather than pretending that you are still happy when you know deep inside you that you're not anymore. You are just fooling yourself and your partner.