how do i tell my husband....?

Question

my husband doesn't know how unhappy i am in our marriage, and i have no idea how to tell him. he hasn't worked in over two years and we have not had sex in over a year. the times i have tried to talk to him about these things he says he is stressed out and doesn't wasnt to discuss it. help!

Answer 1

If he has not worked in 2 years and you have not had sex in over a year, I would think he would have a clue by now. He must be super depressed. You also must be. The way to tell him is to be honest and tell him, don't hint about it as men do not usually 'get' hints. You may want to write him a letter if he refuses to listen to you. I think he probably knows, but does not want to hear it as he is in denial or is too focused on the other aspects of his life. He does not want to be a failure in all areas, even though it sounds as if that is where you are both headed. Don't do it rudely, as he may go off the deep end. Try to be gentle as he is super stressed, but you also need to be true to yourself, and staying together if you are determined to leave would be wrong. Is there any chance that you could perhaps get counseling and try to work things out? Perhaps he is afraid of failing like I said before, so feels that if he does NOTHING he can not possibly fail again. (the only failure is the one where a person does nothing, at least trying is something...) Is there another person that you can talk with, and perhaps can help get this problem in motion so that you can approach him? I wish you the best of luck in this, as it is a very difficult situation.

Answer 2

I was also feeling very unhappy lately, because my husband had a low sex drive (I waited more than a month and before that it was infrequent) and it was tearing me apart. And it was so hard to find information on the internet about this situation, because it is usually vice versa. I was just questioning myself as to what I could have done wrong, even though I know it wasn't my fault. I've talked to him about it so many times before and he would genuinely listen and all, but nothing really changed for more than a few days at most. And six months ago or so, he said he'd seek help the next day, which he didn't do. And this past week, he finally decided to do so when I became more distant. Now that he is seeing a sex therapist, I hope that this will truly work and not just end up being a temporary fix. Maybe if your husband or the both of you will somehow seek some kind of help from a therapist or so to talk about your problems, it will help too. I'm not sure if you want to save your marriage and if it is worth it to you, but I assume it is since you want help. Maybe he is unhappy with the way his life is going right now and needs some sort of direction, or maybe it is some other reason. But by him making excuses & saying he doesn't want to discuss it sounds like he doesn't care so much about the situation. That is just my opinion. Stress can affect many areas of a relationship, so I hope you're able to seek professional help for your marriage before it's too late.

Answer 3

How long have you been married? Is the reason for your unhappiness because he isn't working? Is it because you have found someone else?
Sometimes if you have been married 7 - 10 years that trick to keeping the marriage going is a hard one.
Marriage isn't easy and divorce is even harder. No one promised us the white picket fence and the perfect June Clever ending to our marriage, but sometimes it's just getting past the junk to get to the good stuff. I have a couple of friends who just celebrated 60 years together....she said that for a while she wanted out and stuck through it and now she's glad she did, the memories is what it's all about....and the love that you sometimes miss and the attention that you get when you least expect it...
He's not stressed out, he knows there is something wrong, but can he change it or even try? If you think there is a way to salvage this, I believe everything needs a second , third or sometimes even a million chances....good luck, this is hard for you I'm sure.

Answer 4

No offense, but if that's how things are going chances are pretty good that he's unhappy too and it shouldn't come as much of a surprise. I would probably start by asking him if HE has been happy and go from there, maybe asking him if he thinks you're happy too. You may also want to consider if he could possibly be having an affair. It sounds a little weird. Although, it's possible he could just be feeling like less of a man right now because of not working for a while. If that's the case maybe you just need to work a little on helping him with his self esteem. Hope any of this helps.

Answer 5

About the sex, don't worry about that, it's just a symptom of all the other problems in your relationship. That will return as soon as you solve the other stuff.

When you are telling him, you need to set consequences at the same time, so he will know that there is a real and present danger of a divorce if he doesn't deal with things.

Of course he's stressed out, these are very stressful problems, but refusing to discuss only buries them and makes them bigger, so you have to explain that the sooner he faces them the easier it will be resolve them.

Be very clear that you are coming to him with this not because you want out, but because you want to stay with him. You can;t stay with him as things stand now, and you need him to help you work it all out. Let him know that you;re not asking him to fix all these problems, but that you are asking him to work with you to solve them together.

To be honest, even the lowest minimum wage slave job would probably give him more pride than sitting at home doing nothing all day. Just that may kickstart him to re-engage in other areas of his life as well. Help him find some purpose first, then you'll both be in better shape to handle the other stuff.

Answer 6

He probably knows that you're unhappy. He just doesn't want to face it. I'd start out by "Honey, how can we make each other happier?" if you want a conversation.

If he doesn't have a job, he's stressed for sure, and so are you. It is not your faul that he doens't have a job, but, nonetheless, he feels bad. Last thing he wants to do is talk about "your" problems. He has enough of his "own", but doesn't realize that it became a "together" problem.

If you somehow can show him that you love him, he migh respond better. However, signs of "love" are different for men and for women. You probably knowit better than I do, and you know how to do it.

Sorry, not much I can recommend. Marriage councelling? He might be not receptive of the idea....

Answer 7

Well you are just going to have to tell him that you are stressed to and he is going to have to talk to you about it let him know you are not happy and tell him you are telling him that to try to save your marriage and if he wants to keep you he will want to improve the situation I would not think he would be happy either not having sex for over a year do you think he is depressed with him self?Why doesn't he work?Well no matter what you two need to talk if there is any hope I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 8

He hasn't worked in over two years, and you two don't have sex, and he doesn't know how unhappy you are? What the hell is wrong with him? Maybe he is depressed, either way, this isn't normal and if he won't agree to get help, you should consider leaving, really.

Answer 9

He's not much of a "husband" if he hasn't worked in over two years and hasn't been intimate with you in a year. What the hell is he stressed about ?? Time for you to divorce the unambitious loser. There are plenty of fish in the sea. find yourself a better catch.

Answer 10

You may want to take it from a different angle.

Start off with.. You are no longer taking responsibility for his happiness.. and because of that decision.. he has to move out and when he gets his life together maybe the two of you can talk but until then.. he is like an anchor weighting you down and you have to cut the cord.. because push comes to shove.. You love you more...

Good luck