What do I do when my boyfriend of 4 years had an affair on me.?

Question

I left him and know Im back. I told him I'll hang around for a while and we will take it day by day. He swears he only wants me and no one eles. The only problem is I dont want to have sex with him yet, at least till I get over what happend. What if inever get over it. when he tried to make love to me I broke down emotionally. What do I do? I cant imagine living with out him. Besides the affair he was a great guy. But the past hurts and I think about it every minute of the day. Will I ever be able to kiss him and not think of what he did? I am just rambeling...I can go on for days. Just tell me what you think. Thanks

Answer 1

Leave him. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over.

No matter how much you love him and how long you stay with him, the "what if" question will always be there.

Time to move on...

Answer 2

Well first, i don't know what wrong doing he did to you. But if you want an answer..... Forget the past? there is nothing he can fix from the past and so you. You cannot go back in time!
what ever mistake he did to you is already done, there is no fix, but there is a solution. Everything has a solution. Except Death.

The right way is to tell him to be knowledgeable of his past mistakes and that you are waiting from him not to make the same errors. Osho a great person says. " If you are going to do the same mistake as last time. at least do it different, be creative, but don't do the same mistake again" If you feel you love him, and can't live without him and so does he, then give him a second chance. You can even set your terms; Agreement; rules. Of how you want the new relationship to be. Since he loves you so much, he will definitively change for good.

Answer 3

Well, if you took him back then you have to think to yourself, "Am I gonna put the past behind me or let it linger?" I dont believe you will ever forgive him (well, at least anytime soon). You only stayed with him cause you think you dont have the strength to leave him. You love him. So, you took him back, now you have to live with what he did. If you leave him, youd cry and be hurt and heart broken. If you stay, youll be hurt and heartbroken also. Youre in a no win situation. Think about what will benefit the future. if you leave, you will hurt but not permanently. I know you think no it will be forever. i cant bear it. But if youre with him, can you live your whole life with the fact that he did what he did with another? Okay, the same situation with 2 people: My sisters husband cheated on her 3 years ago. She got over it eventually. My aunts husband cheated on her 10 years ago. She hates him and has sex with him twice a year cause she cant get over it. Youll have to see which one you are. Also, once a cheater always a cheater. No matter how sorry he is (which im sure he is) but that doesnt matter. If i cheated on my husband and if i knew my husband would forgive me for cheating, id do it again.

Answer 4

I think you need some time to yourself. You need to heal and not feel pressured into getting on with your life, relationship etc. Because you can't get on with anything until you deal with your pain. You have to allow yourself to feel it all the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the anger, and the loss of trust. Perhaps you can talk with a counsellor alone or with your boyfriend. If you are strong enough perhaps you could sit down and just let him spill. And maybe if he is strong enough he could do the same, let you set down and just spill.
After 4 years it is hard letting go. Ask yourself is it love or just security. Are you afraid of being alone or are you afraid of losing the love of your life. It's okay to ramble it helps you heal.
In the end follow your path, not his.

Answer 5

I agree with everyone else you need to leave his @#%. If you stay with him you are only setting yourself up for more heartache and pain. I no it will be hard. My last BF we dated for 3yrs and he did me the same exact way, and I kept taking him back because I loved him. You no what the B****** never stopped cheating. Basically I was giving him permission to cheat. Once that trust is gone its gone and you would never look at him the same. Do you really want to live your life worried about who's he with, who's he talking to. Is he cheating on me? And too if he really loved you he wouldn't do you like that in the first place. You sound like you are a sweet person. You deserve better than that.

Good Luck!!!!!!!

Answer 6

You sound loyal, gentle & sweet.

Im a guy & I say leave his as$. You cant see yourself leaving him now because of all the years you would lose.

Trust me, rather lose the 4 or 5 years than be deceived for a lifetime.

If he cheated once already, it means he doesn't love you like he did when you met. He's probably in it now just because you treat him good & he is secure. I pray that you aint funding his a$s!

Leave now.

Answer 7

a few things to keep in mind:

1. Values: You probably never expected to be in this situation. You may have known other women whose boyfriend cheated on them and expressed strong opinions about how other women deal with this matter, perhaps thinking that such cheating is unforgivable and that those woman should not forgive and not go back to the relationship. However, now that you are dealing with this scenario yourself, its a different story, and you want to take him back and be with him. Youmay have some doubts about your own sense of integrity, struggling with what is the right thing to do.....attempt to mend the relationship.....or punsih your boyfriend for his infidelity.

2. TRUST - Your boyfriend has broken the trust in the relationship, which affects how you feel about him and about yourself. You may have many questions....Will you ever be able to trust him again? Can I trust myself enough to get back with this guy? If he cheated on me once, will he cheat again? There are not clear answers to these questions, except to say that trust is something that is earned. At the very least, if your boyfriend wants back into the relationship, it is not unreasonable that you make some specific demands from him regarding his behavior....i.e. its ok for you to keep him on a very short leash.....and if he says something like "you gotta trust me"...you can tell him that you expect him to earn his trust by going above and beyond to prove that he is trustworthy and meeting your expectations....

3. TIME - Cheating is traumatic on you....so there will be a grieving process....it will take time fot you to get back into the swing of things, and build back the trust you once had. It may take a few months, perhaps a year.....and you can tell your boyfriend that it may take a few months or maybe a year before you are ready for sex with him. His reaction to your emotions regarding his behavior will provide you with some good information about how serious he is about this relationship with you. He cheated on you....and so the onus is on him to make amends. At the very least....he needs to be patient. You might also want to think about couples counselling or individual counselling for yourself.

4. Forgiveness - At some point....maybe in a few months, you will have a clearer picture of the state of the relationship, yourself, and where you want things to go. At that time, when you are ready, you can start to think about forgiving this guy. Forgiveness is not a feeling. There are no guarantees that 10 years from now you won't remember what he did to you when you kiss him, but if you CHOOSE to forgive him, it means that you make a conscious decision not to dwell on his mistake and not to hold it against him. Ultimately, the choice is yours, and you may not decide to forgive him. In that case, it would be wise to break up with him. In the meantime, see how things go, take care of yourself, seek therapy, think about your values, observe your boyfriends current behavior, and give yourself the time to grieve and process this difficult experience.

Answer 8

If he really means that much to you, eventually you will be able to put the past in the past and move on together. If you really mean that much to him then he won't pressure you to make that step until you are ready though. If he does put pressure on you then you probably have a big problem on your hands.

Answer 9

Be a good pragmatist and compromise. Use it like a "get-out-of-jail-free card" and save that incident for a time when you might do something that he might find wrong or unethical. Most of the time, it will make you feel better about the situation and give you something to hold over him. Most of the time they will accept that.

Answer 10

every time somebody is going exterior of the dating it rather is dishonest whether there is not any actual touch. He needless to say knew he became being deceptive or he could have been open and ordinary with you in regards to the dating. human beings do no longer ought to deceive the folk they love approximately "acquaintances." in case you're only acquaintances with somebody you have to be ok including your companion understanding in regards to the dating. the only reason to lie is that if their is something to hide, and he chosen to proceed mendacity or on the least masking the certainty even after he knew the way you felt approximately it and after he instructed you he had ended it. you need to have an open and ordinary line of verbal replace for a dating to artwork. Your have faith has been broken. the two one in all you need to head with have been you go from right here and if it rather is something you're keen to forgive. You the two ought to understand that the dating is going to be distinctive because of fact the have faith is now long previous. the two one in all you need to additionally face the shown fact that he needless to say has some form of thoughts in direction of this different woman. He became keen to lie and harm you to have a dating along with her and then lie back to proceed it, so his thoughts for her ought to be adressed and dealt with. with any luck it rather is something you are able to artwork via if he can settle for that your have faith now should be earned back and in case you recognize that in case you pick to stay with him you are able to no longer make him pay a existence sentence for his mistake.