If your significant other had a large amount of debt?

Question

OK, he had this debt before we met, he was married and now he has to pay so many things. He hates to talk about it, he claims its embarrassing and he will pay for it. He doesn't like telling me about his finances because I will throw it back in his face in our arguement, which I agreed may be true. He likes to spend, but I explained to him, he needs to pay as much as he can first and stop spending so much but he gets angry. He pays his bills but I don't think he pays as much as he can when he spends on clothes and things that he really don't need. He says he wants to enjoy life as well. My problem is I am so bothered, I hate that he has all this debt and every time I learn about something new or he didn't exactly tell me the whole story. I want to know he says its his business and he doesn't like telling me because I act like his mother. Is it right to judge someone who is in this situation if you love them or is love suppose to be enough.

Answer 1

Love isn't a cure-all. If y'all are already having issues with money and spending habits and attitudes towards debt, it doesn't bode well for your future long-term, IMHO.

Also, if he's not telling you the truth about his debt or hiding things from you, there's deeper issues than just the money.

My fiance' also had a significant chunk of debt, but 1) he was open and honest with me about it (because I made it a point NOT to use it as a weapon against him - that's something you need to work on, IMHO) and 2) he has a plan in place with regular payments and a schedule to pay off the debt. He also is responsible about it and sticks to his plan. He has sacrificed some "toys" and "new things" because he recognizes that paying off the debt from the past is important.

If you do end up going forward together and want to do anything like buy a house or furniture or cars, his debt load is going to be a SIGNIFICANT factor in what sort of interest rates you guys get, and if you can get a loan at all. Which means that if you have long-term plans, his debt affects you, as well. Also, if you do end up getting married at some point, I think some of that debt can legally become yours.

Answer 2

If you want to be serious and that mean marriage in the future you need to let him know you are there to help because in the long run his debt will become your debt . I too have problems with spending more than I can handle and believe me its hard to stop on a dime. With the past bills you know about see if he will be willing to make arrangements and pay those off maybe one at a time I think this will help him to start saving if he knew how important this is for you. But be patient with him its hard but let him know its The right thing for the future...and try to be on him when payday roll around already have a list of what he need to pay and then give him a small amount of spending money along with the guilt trip and see if he can go with out spending for a while. ...Good Luck

Answer 3

sounds very much like my husband. He is up to his crinkle star in debt and he was when I met him from his divorce seven years before we met. His mother paid for the top notch lawyer and she is keeping track of every penny. He is worse than I am at spending. He is one of those boys who have to have toys, motorcycle, truck, rc cars all that crap. It is annoying as hell ecspecially since he dosen't even look at the bills. He is the bread winner in the family and I stay at home with my son for now. He figures he makes it so he can spend it and he will never change until the lights get shut off or he dosen't have any water. Good luck. They need a reality check.

Answer 4

It depends on how significant an other he is. Do you live together? Just date? Intend to wed? If you live together or you think there will be wedding bells in your future, then you need to see about the two of you seeking financial counseling together. Otherwise, if your significant other won't agree to get a grip on his spending, it's time to say good-bye.

Just dating for a bit fun with no real plans, don't sweat it. Let him work himself into bankruptcy and leave it at that.

Answer 5

You cannot have a good relationship if you argue about money and finances. If you want to eventually marry him, his credit will affect YOU. IF the time is coming to get engaged to this man, you will need to demand total disclosure of his finances. Order a credit report on him.

Money is often a cause for divorce, esp. when children come into the picture.

Answer 6

No, judge them now before you get too involved. If he can't handle finances, he could end up ruining your credit, as well. Be careful...know what you're getting into before you make any serious moves. I speak from experience...if they aren't good with money, they won't change. And no matter how much they love you, they'll take you down with them apologizing the whole time.

Answer 7

Love is rarely enough. He needs to grow up and realize that the sooner he gets these paid the sooner he can blow his money on stuff he doesn't need. Good luck with that!!!
Maybe you could point out how much interest he is paying on stuff and show him how paying it off sooner will cut down on how much he has to pay in the long run.

Answer 8

i think you should leave him alone and let him pay his bills the way he wants to , it really is none of your buisness and i cant even imagine why you would want to control things because they shouldnt be bothering you at all they have nothing to do with you and they are out of your control if you 2 were married then i would say that it is your buisness because it would have to do with family finances.

Answer 9

He never loved you enough to be clean about it. Your ina sour raltionship and he' better get his act together if he expects anything great in life...otherwise contagious bad credit will rub off to you.

Answer 10

You should be smart enough not to get involved with a person who is in such big debt.