Moms and daughters: Please give me your opinion?

Question

My parents divorced when I was 18, I am now 29. My dad met and married my step mom 1 ½ yrs later. My mom has never remarried. She has had a few relationships, but 2 were with married men, 1 had kids still in high school that my mom didn’t want to deal with, and 1 lived 3 states away and my mom constantly complained about the distance (even though she knew it when she met him). The past year or so she has been meeting men online. She feels it necessary to tell me about every single guy she goes out with, including some of the intimate details, even though I have told her as nicely as I could that I really don’t want to hear about this. She is going out with at least 3-4 different men a week, and bringing quite a few home and having sex with them. She even went to some guys house and had sex with him, and left before his wife got home. If we have a family get together at someone’s house, she either leaves early cause she has a date with another guy or she gets on their computer to check her e-mail to see if she has had anymore guys contact her. She hardly ever spends time with her kids or grandkids anymore. She has actually forgotten plans that she had made with one of the grandkids, because she made plans with someone else. She made plans to pick my son up tonight and keep him till Monday night to spend some time with him. She called Friday to say she was picking him up that night instead, my husband and I thought that she just wanted to spend more time with him. No, it was cause she wanted to make plans for Monday. She would rather spend her free time going out on dates , than to spend it with her grandkids. She has made promises to them that she has forgotten about, but the kids haven’t forgotten. I can not keep track of the men that she is dating cause there are just too many of them. None of which she has wanted to introduce to her family.
Knowing all this, here is what happened to make me ask advice. I lost my temper after finding out the reason she changed plans with my son, and I bluntly told her what I thought about her lifestyle. I will admit, that I probably was a little to harsh and said some very hurtful things, but I had reached my boiling point with her. I told her that I was ashamed over her lifestyle, that I didn’t want a mother who slept with any guy who met, and I didn’t want my kids to have a grandmother like that. I told her that my kids had a right to have the same kind of grandma that I had (my moms mom) who wanted to be around her grandkids frequently, went around asking “Are you hungry honey? You want me to fix you something to eat?”, baked, sewed and quilted. (Ok, I know that was a little overboard.) Well, she handed the phone to my aunt who lives with her, and who knows first hand what my mom is doing, and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. My aunt completely agrees with me and has nicely tried to say the same things to her.
I know I probably got a little too upset and said something’s that I probably wouldn’t have said if I were not so mad. But can anyone see what I got so upset about? And what is your advice to do now?

Answer 1

Sometimes love hurts. She needed to know that she was hurting you.
Wait a while. If she doesn't come back to you, send her an email (since she checks it so often) and tell her that you are sorry if you hurt her feelings, you care about her as a person, want her to be safe, and feel that you and your son, and the rest of your family are missing out on having her in your lives because she is sacrificing her relationships with you in order to feel good for the moment with these men.
Of course, you understand that she wants to find love, but if the situation was reversed, you know that she would be concerned with you performing the same sort of behavior and risking your physical as well as your emotional well being.
Tell her that you want her to be happy, but you need to set some limits for your own life.
A) She is NOT to tell you about the intimate details of her relationship(s), but may tell you about some of the interesting or attractive qualities of someone she feels fondness for.
B) She is NOT to hurt your child by canceling plans EXCEPT incase of EMERGENCY, a date or sex is NOT an emergency.
You must stand your ground on these, if she starts to tell you about sex or intimate details surrounding that...say, "Mom, I love you, but I can't listen to you talk about this. It makes me uncomfortable. If you would like to talk about something else, lets keep talking, but otherwise I need to go." If she cancels plans with your son again... you quit allowing her to make plans with him and you do not make plans to spend the holidays with her explaining that it would be too devastating to your young man to know that his feelings aren't as important to her as a stranger that she meets on the Internet.
Good luck, this is tricky.

Answer 2

It seems like your mom is going through her own mid life crisis. She is probably dating and having sex with these guys to fill a void in her life and it probably boosts her ego to have men think that she is still attractive. I can understand where you are coming from when it comes to your children. The only thing that I can think of for you to do, is to ride it out. Sooner or later, this thing she is going through will slow down. You should tell her that your kids aren't going to be spending any time over at her house because of what she is doing. I am sure you don't want your kids around that. If you and your aunt have already tried to talk to her about this, then you are really in a position to just sit back and wait. I am sorry that your children are missing out on what should be some wonderful times with their grandmother, but you have to remember that she is her own person and she has to make her own mistakes and fall down a bit before she can see what she is really doing. Hang in there!

Answer 3

Maybe this is the wake up call she needed to hear. Of course she would be upset, but you have a point to make. I know now that mothers and daughters get a better bond as you get older. See what happens in a week then try to call her again and if she asks your aunt to answer the phone say no I need to talk to her. Maybe then you can apologize for being so blunt but you feel that way. May hope are with you Good Luck.

Answer 4

I think you were absolutelly right to be upset to your mom.
But i think you should talk to her...dealing with a divorce isnt easy and more if you are old or feel old..and even more if your ex husband get married a year after ...
so, maybe she has to go to the therapist cause she would probably have issues that she cannot solve like feeling un - wanted and feeling that shes never going to find someone who loves her.
That could be the answer to her behavior...trying to look desperately for someone (anyone) who makes her feel great and loved...
dont be too hard at her..you have already exposed your point of view...now is time that you fix things with her cause she is your mom and i think she´s needing help
good luck

Answer 5

My parents divorced when I was 6... I was mad but i learned to live with it because there was nothing i could do. Neither of my parents have remarried... yet, there both still really young, Its wrong that your mom tells you stuff like that... if your mom doesnt what to spend time with her grandkids this is what you should do:
Dont let her see them! If she doesnt care... its not worth your kids time. She'll come to realize how bad she was behaving in order to see them because my grandma would give up the world to spend time with her grandkids, and it breaks my heart to hear about your story. Sit her down and talk to her, I hope that helps!

Answer 6

Sounds like deep down your mom is hurting inside. The fact that she is having sex with random men and blowing her family off indicate that she is trying to fill a need she has with these men. She could still be hurt from the divorce or she might just be very lonely. Either way, these men are her way of making herself feel good and the fact she is constantly going out shows that she needs to have her "fix."
The only thing you can do is talk to her and try to show her examples of how she has changed. You can also bring up how dangerous it is to be sleeping with random people and/or going out with people you just meet off the internet. You might get lucky and she might open up to you - but either way just let her know you love her and care for her and understand that she is hurting inside.

Answer 7

I couldn't possibly read all of this but from what I gather your mother has disconnected from the family. That's sad and wrong but she's a grown up and she's doing what she thinks is best for her. In the perfect world she really needs some counseling but in reality she's not going to change until she feels the need to. You should get used to the fact that this may never happen.

There is one thing you can do and that's to refuse to listen when she confides in you.....tell her you can't be her girlfriend and then hang up the phone or leave the room. Sharing her personal life is unfair to you.

Answer 8

What does your older daughter think? If she agrees with you, maybe she can talk to the dad and step mom. What does your 10 year old think about wearing bras? If she wants to wear them, buy her some extras to take with her when she goes to her dad's house. At 10 years old, they can't still be dressing her. Have her put it on when she gets dressed. If they confront her about it, maybe she can explain that she is self conscious about her developing body and that wearing a bra makes her feel better. If the women in your family are that big, she probably needs to be wearing a bra at 10. Me? I barely needed one at 13, and I still don't have much, but I wear a bra everyday! Good luck! Raising daughters is not easy...I have one in high school!

Answer 9

I think what you need to do is to stage an intervention for you mom. If you have siblings, aunts, uncles, anyone who cares about her, get them all together and you guys should confront her about all of this. Let her know that she is not only hurting all of you with what she is doing, more than anything, she is hurting herself. Sometimes it just takes something like that for someone to realize that what they are doing is wrong.

Answer 10

Your mothers behavior is a sign of depression. It is understandable you got upset but take her aside and talk to her and let her know you love her and that you think she may be feeling depressed and suggest that she get professional help for it. Her behavior has many risks not only the diseases she could get but someones wife may just shoot her.