am i wrong to not like well hate when husband watches porn?

Question

my husband and i have been married for quite a while [5yrs]. I still hate it when he watches porn. it makes me feel less attractive. i'm not stupid, i know they[the women he looks at] look a hellofalot better than i do. he says it's just to 'relieve it'. i think its a load of sh**. I’ve told him many times how I felt about it, but still continues to do it. He says he’ll stop [as a promise], but then I catch him. How do I trust him and believe him? how do i know that he's not picturing that 'other' woman while we do our business. why are we even married if he looks at these other women. we have sex like everyday, so it‘s not like he really “NEEDS“ it. And sex is very un-emotional. i know his sex drive is high, so how do i know that he's not going to cheat on me. i consider him watching porn a form of cheating. [cheating visually and mindfully, if that‘s even a word or makes sense] thank you all who answers… just need some outside opinions…

oh yea and we've tried watching it together, but i didn't like it. he liked it, which isn't a surprise, but then i felt more hateful towards him after that.

Answer 1

Assuming he is not addicted or obsessed with it, there is nothing wrong with occassional adult entertainment, assuming he is mature enough to deal with these type of things.

It is not cheating - that's a insecure and selfish way of looking at things. Men are more visually oriented than women so they are going to check out chicks whether he's watching erotica or walking in the shopping mall. He's married/commited to you but that doesn't mean he should park his sexual desire.

And asking a man to stop this type of thing is like asking women to stop shopping or reading good magazines and novels... not impossible but very difficult, almost impractical. That's just the way lots of guys are so don't take this so personally.

And think about it... is watching porn any worse than reading women's smut books or magazines?? That's "female pornography" to some just because we often get turned on in different ways than men do.

That's my personal opinion and (yikes!) it's also coming from a woman!!

Now as for your concern - the "porn" isn't actually the problem here. It's you having a problem with him watching it and how it makes you feel. You have every right, as a relationship partner, to ask him whatever you want. Tell him how this makes you feel and how important it is to you compared to other things in your relationship. Give him time to consider your feelings.

However, on the other side, as a relationship partner, he has the right to tell you NO - deal with it. At this point, you have two options.

One - learn to love him, faults and all, and respect his decision even though you don't like it. There's much worse things he could be doing and living out a fantasy in his mind is not an indication he's going to cheat on you.

Two - decide if this falls under the "can't stand" category, in which case, if it does, explain to him that it's going to be either stop watching the "porn" or you'll consider the relationship to be over.

The other option is a compromise and probably the best solution to this. Maybe he'll agree to watching less of it (or when your not around) in exchange for something you'll meet him half-way on. Then both of you kinda win and both of you kinda lose.

As for whether or not he's fantazing about another woman when you make love?? Only he can answer that and it should be part of your dicussion. Perhaps there's some emotional distance between the two of you that needs to be rekindled somehow, either with counseling or just deep down honest communication.

So is it worth throwing all the other good things away just because he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable, or is it worth biting your tounge and trying to focus on the good things??

So you need to figure out the importance level of this in the grand scheme of your relationship and then exrpess your feelings from there. Respect his decision and then decide how you will deal with it from there - compromise or is it serious enough to leave him??

Only you can answer that question. I do wish you best of luck.

Answer 2

It's not wrong for you to hate that he watches porn. I personally think porn isn't the best thing for a marriage because it just opens up a can of problems/emotions that aren't easily fixed. The fact that you say the sex you have is unemotional isn't the best thing - that indicates that maybe there is an emotional bond that is missing from your marriage. Have you tried talking to him about how this makes you feel? If he doesn't "need" the porn and he knew how much it bothered you, I don't see why he wouldn't stop it. After all, your marriage should come before anything.
Maybe suggest going to marriage or sex counseling if things don't improve or if he won't get rid of the porn. If you tell him how much it bothers you and he won't get rid of it then there is something there that he does "need" which means it is unhealthy.

Answer 3

Watching porn IS NOT CHEATING. It is the interest in other women without cheating. His problem is telling you he will stop and not doing it. What he should have said is that once in a while there is nothing wrong with it. Do not get so wrapped up in this that you are going to break up over it. Most men understand that porn is fantasy and has no relation to reality. There is also no reason to feel inadequate to those women. He does not have that 10" schlong does he? You are right in observing that porn sex is unemotional. Most of the women look uninterested or fake.That's just it. Its just the sex. Its only a film and not the neighbor. Relax,
if he's watching porn and you are not his partner it will be his old girlfriend Rosy Palm.

Answer 4

SOME PEOPLE NEED IT. NYMPHOMANIAC! MAYBE HE IS GETTING HIS ROCKS OFF. I LIKE PORN . I JUST DON'T LIKE WHEN MY HUSBAND WATCHES IT WITHOUT ME. SORRY I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Answer 5

This is a very common problem among couples. What is the deeper issue? Does he disrespect your feelings in all areas of the relationship? Or is it just regarding pornography?
Has it always been this way? Or did his behavior change recently?
Have you talked to him about how you would like to enjoy sex, rather than be a warm orifice? Have you considered couples counseling?
Have you tried to watch "erotica" or "porn lite" to enjoy sexual stimulation with him? Has he given you any reason to believe he is untrustworthy or that he is a sex addict?
Basically, look at the situation again and see if this is the only act that is upsetting you. If it is just your sex life and his behaviors that cause strain to your marriage, explore the Internet for self prompted options or seek couples therapy (either sex or talk) to resolve the issue.
If he is disrespectful in other areas and makes you feel badly about yourself, then you may need to question whether this relationship is healthy for you. You may feel better seeking a counselor, priest or third party to share your feelings with.
The way you feel is totally justified. Now figure out why you feel that way and what to do about it. Good luck.

Answer 6

I find it strange that you hate him for watching it. Porn can teach you some things, like verbal communication. Like telling your husband what you like about what he is doing to you. It also sounds like he needs to pay attention to you in bed. If he is satisfying you really good than he shouldn't be all that caught up in watching porn, but in watching your reactions to his actions. Would a sex therapist be something you would be willing to consider? I know this sounds funny but the only porn I ever liked was a short movie with 3 different vignettes. The first two were really fantansy shorts and didn't have very much reality but the third was a vignette of a woman giving herself a g spot orgasm. The film was made by a lesbian film company and the woman giving herself a g spot orgasm is/was a sex therapist for lesbians in the 70-80"s era. I don't know if she is still around but there was nothing she wouldn't do for pleasure. Her name was Susie Bright? The company is still in existence and it's called Femme Fatale.Media. I had never heard of a g spot orgasim before. We tried the g spot thing after the vaginal orgasm and I can tell you this...if your husband can make you have one of these he will never need another porn film again! And if he tries this stuff on you he will be too tired to have sex everyday. And too satisfied.
I have never gotten too excited about watching men's porn with the phony orgasms either but seeing some of the hot men is pretty cool. The acting really does make me laugh too. The women's phony reactions are so laughable.
Why should he have to stop watching if you don't like it? He does, so shouldn't his feeling count too?
I think it's funny you call making love "doing our business." That's what I call my dogs action when they are pooping. "Come on guys, it's time to do your business." Isn't business a chore that you get paid for?
Your are probably a very nice person, just a little mixed up which I can totally understand. I would be very frustrated too if sex was unemotional. It's been the most emotional time in my life. I hope you can learn to say "I feel .....fill in the blank...when you do this. It can be very difficult to express your feelings but I suspect that what is really making you angry is that you can't express how he is making you feel by not taking his time and exploring all the good things that two people can do with each other in the sack. A good book to read to help you learn how to express yourself is written by Jean Baer called, "How to be assertive (not aggressive) woman in life, love and on the job".
I've read it when I was having terrible problems with the men on my job, as I was the only woman in 1979 in my work among 200 men. It really helped me in all aspects of my life. Much luck to you. I'm sure you're on the right track.

Answer 7

This is a copy of the answer I gave another gal:

Oh, bless your heart, honey. First, commit to yourself that divorce is not an option. Second, understand that most of the world will tell you that this is normal or that you should leave him. Neither of these things is true. Just because a lot of people are caught up in porn does not make it normal. It makes it an epidemic. And epidemics are NOT normal. And working on your marriage is so much better than divorce... ALWAYS!

Now, what to do... you'll need to understand that porn is addictive like so many other things can be to different people, like drugs, alcohol, and sex, but also like food, shopping, and the internet. What he has is a porn addiction, and like all addictions, he will need help. But understanding that he has an addiction should help you have patience and perseverence with him during those times when he falters. And forgive him, because this will be a process for him, and he will make many mistakes and will need you to be there to forgive him so he can forgive himself, too, and move forward. Talk to him about being accountable with a couple people, like you and maybe a friend or relative or two he trusts. These accountability partners should have full access to his internet history and have the right to ask him point-blank what he's been doing with his time. They need to be available for him to talk to when he's feeling tempted to indulge in porn. You can, and should, be one of those people for him as is your right and duty as wife. Also, I recommend removing from the home those things which are a stumbling block for him. For example, if you have cable or dish TV, maybe cancel service so there are no porn channels coming through. If it's the internet he can't be trusted with, then cancel internet services or modify his time on it so porn sites won't be visited. There are practical solutions to these problems. It's just a matter of figuring them out.

I hope these suggestions have helped. Bless you, dear.

Answer 8

Have you ever thought about making a porn with him and doing some of the things the other women do on the porn videos, join him i know it feels wierd at first but after time it gets kinda fun...try some freaky new things and maybe next time he is watching porn he will be watching you and him on the tv set and not another woman

Answer 9

No you are not wrong, but understand he has an addiction. Look up PORN ADDICTION through google.com.. There are sites and organizations that deal with this very common problem. It's a lust issue, not a "you and him" issue. Also, do NOT esteem those women at all... they're PORNOGRAPHERS... don't even deserve the title "actress." Anyone who'd put themselves out there like that could never hold a match to you no matter how physically appealling they are. That's so far removed from reality. Pray for defeat of the lust spirit that's got a stronghold on your husband.
Peace

Answer 10

Coming from a guy who likes porn, I think you need to give it a more open opinion and chance. WHat is it you really do not like about it? He is probably more turned on by the fantasy of it than the looks of the woman. Have you asked him what he enjoys about it so much? Perhaps he wishes you were open to watching with him and acting on the desires. When you can watch porn with your significant other and get over the fact that they are turned on by other people (which is natural) you might be surprised how much it can do for your sex life. Give it a chance!

Answer 11

you are right to hate that your husband is watching porn...it is equal to committing adultry....You are still having sex with him...
this is a good thing...but one day it will stop...he will no longer desire your attention...he will wack off to the porn so much that
he will take care of his needs without you and you will be left out
this could take several years to get to this point....right now you, nor he could even see this ever happening....but...it will happen if your husband does not quit watching it! Porn is like any other addiction....If your husband is not too far gone, and he does stop NOW...there is hope for your relationship...if not...forget it....It may take more than your asking him to quit. It may take more than all the research in the world presented to him stacked to the ceiling for him to be reached...it may take more than marriage counselling. He may not be compliant. Dr. Phill said once that it is equal to committing adultry. You have some hard choices to make...This is just the beggining to a tough road ahead. Your choices are endless in searching out help....and the outcome is
not clear....for porn is so wide spread...and accepted that you may have some advise you to either get involved with it yourself
and with your spouse...and or even give the guy room to do what he wants for you are still havig sex together. Porn I am sorry to tell you that it is a trap and many are trapped into thinking it isn't.
When you are a certain age and he no longer prefers your attention for you can not compete with the derranged felines on
his screen....he is very selfish in this matter and you either call
him on it....and make some agreement with him that you change in order that he will change...or even tell him to quit or you will leave him on the grounds of adultry....just to ask Dr. Phill about it!
I believe in marriage....try everything possible to get past this and
move forward in your relationship with your husband,,,,call in your
pastors wife to talk to her first...and a marriage couselor outside
of your circle of friends....then get some books...pray a lot! Do not be hasty in your decision...you are still having sex with your spouse...there still is hope!