I love my mother, but sometimes I can't stand her?

Question

My mother is 83 years old and is in good health. I know even though her health is good she can't live forever and I need to make peace. Its not that we don't speak, we do daily. For some reason I can't figure out I resent her. I can not look her in the eye when we talk and I always hurry to get out of her house. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. She has always wanted things ONLY her way and lets me know this. I'm making myself sick with guilt because I know I should spend time with her and I can't. Does anyone out there know where I'm coming from and if so what can I do to get over these feelings. I love her....I just don't want to be around her. I'm a usually kind person so this makes me feel really bad to be this way toward my own Mom. Help before our time together is gone...I don't want to look back and think if only I would have spent more time with her.

Answer 1

I can relate to what you're saying. My mother is very picky and judgmental, and I have nothing in common with her so when I am in the same room, there's usually silence. I know that most of my resentment comes from the fact that I was verbally and then sexually abused by another family member and she was completely oblivious and never did anything to protect me.

The worst thing about it is that my son and I live with her for financial reasons. Before my divorce, when my son was younger, we'd come and visit almost every weekend, and I could deal with her. But now I see her almost every day and she just gets on my nerves and my son's as well. I've tried not to influence his opinion of her based on my feelings, but I'm sure that's a part of it.

I'll probably be able to move out in about 2 years, but then she'll be 70, and as the only daughter, I know that when her health does start to fail, I'll get to deal with it. Sometimes I feel guilty about feeling that way. I work with the elderly, and I see all different kinds of relationships that adult children have with their aging parents.

I recognize that the fact that my brothers and I are not close with our parents because they did not foster that kind of relationship with any of us. And so I am trying to stay close to my son, even though he can be quite difficult at 15.

You sound as though you don't really know the source of your resentment. So my suggestion to you is that you need to dig in the dirt a bit to get to the source. If you don't remove the roots, the weeds continue to grow. It might be an uncomfortable and even painful process. Before you go there, consider whether you're really ready and committed to the process. You can't get over those feelings if you don't know where they came from in the first place... Good Luck!

Answer 2

I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm also a very kind person, and I love my mom, but I can't stand the way she acts. Inside, I have to believe she wishes the best for me until she proves me wrong, but she tries to control me in a lot of ways. She told me many times that I would have to go to college without any of her funding, meaning I'd have to take out huge loans. But then, right as the deadline approached, she ended up paying. She's told me to take out the garbage and then locked me out of the house simply because she wanted to be alone. Both of our mothers probably want the best for us, but they aren't as open minded as we wish. It is too late for either of them to change, so I think the best thing to do would be to spend some time with your mother as you have been, and think of it as valuable time, no matter how much she upsets you. Try to focus on her strong points. I think you are doing the right thing by being with her, but leaving when the situation gets over the top. The fact is you will miss her when she passes away. Don't show her any fake emotion. She wants you to be honest, just as you want your relatives to be honest to you. Other people may tell you to appreciate her more and reform to suit her needs, but that will only make you feel more guilty.

You're not alone :)

Answer 3

This kind of rigidity, i.e. wanting things only her way, becomes more entrenched with age as habits solidify. It also provides a kind of safety net of familiarity: I've always been this way and I'm not about tho change now. Like it or not, this is who she is, and the sooner you get round to accepting this, the better.
You don't have to like your mother. Many people cannot stand their parents. You don't need to feel guilty for this. You have a certain filial duty towards her but liking her is not part of that.
It is time for you to accept that you love her but do not like her. If you do this you will feel enormously better almost immediately.

Answer 4

Its human nature to not get along with people your subjected to day in day out . but you obviously love your mom because it disturbs you so that you are upset with her . Is it at all possible that it might be a case of to strong wills coming together and clashing . You need to accept that you are the stronger person and let her have her say its not going to hurt you to let her be Superior and if you do she will ease off and make your time together more enjoyable . don't feel guilty your mom loves you , so just love her back when she gets to hard to handle tell in these words I LOVE YOU MOM. it eases all you will see .
Don't you like to hear them if your sad or angry?

Answer 5

Reconcile yourself to the fact that, even though there is a familial love that is very strong, as persons, you and your mother may not be compatible. If you are spending as much time with her as you can, there's actually no need to feel "guilty" about your other feelings. Forced love of this type is not only not real, its not necessary, and very stressful to the person who tries to practice it. Agree to disagree, spend time with your mother, and don't beat yourself up about your negative feelings concerning her. Believe it or not, this type of dichotomy between family members is more common than you know.

Answer 6

She brought you into this world and raised you as a child I guess. Just think of all the happy moments you had together. She loves you and you love her. At 83 let her have her own way. Trust me your not the only one.

Answer 7

Enjoy your mom! Get over how it was then it is history and enjoy now I know its hard but when I was 11 I my father died and I would do anything to spend time with my old man. I use to fuss with him and I think about it now and think I wish my father would have known me as the man I am today. I know sometimes me and moms fuss but she is cool and she gave me life. I respect her and I know this sounds bad but I am 26 and sometimes she will ask me to get in the floor to get her shoes from under the couch and sit on my back and be like whos the boss now boy? You know your mama is still the boss and always will be. We have fun together and if she died it would kill me but I know it will happen one day.

Answer 8

It is Authority that you are wrestling with. Not your mom. Subject your self as a child and it becomes easer/ We sometimes think of our selves as all grown up at 18-45 but wow we soon find out that is not so. Especially when we make the same mistakes our parents made.
(Mat 15:4) For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.
(Mar 10:19) Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother
(Eph 6:2) Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
(Exd 20:12) Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
(Deu 5:16) Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
So If you give the respect to mom and dad they deserve it will go well with you all the days of your life.

Answer 9

This doesn't have anything to do with her.

Read over your question again...it's "I this" and "I that", and "I feel".

At 83 your mom deserves to have things done her way.

If you want things to get better, then you need to change.

Answer 10

enjoy your mom!! she is precious, wonderful and one of a kind be always proud of her... be patient with her and let her know how much you love her... remember she is a treasure... God bless.