I am divorced with 2 children. My husband and I are different religions. He held a religious ceremony for our daughter that I just found out about from a 3rd party even though the event happened 3 months ago. I am extremely upset that my daughter did not share this information with me. She spends 2 weekends a month with her father and we always discuss what they did that weekend. I just cant get over the hurt that she did not share this with me.
I think compounding my upset feelings is the feelings I have had for at least the past year or more that I am the parent who provides music lessons, soccer, skating, running, fancy birthday parties, buys the name brand clothes, buys her stuff just because I love her. I received no child support for over 2 years and struggled beyond words to just pay my basic living expenses and killed myself to come up with money so she would not have to do without swimming lessons, etc. and she could be just like her friends.
I am hurt and confused. Any advice?
2006-08-13 12:04:49 · 6 answers · asked by njmom 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all it was your ex-husbands place to tell you not your daughter. And I'm sure she had her reasons not to tell you and I'm sure she never meant for this to hurt you.
Did you and he have a bad split up? Do you still have arguments over things that pertain to the kids?
If so this could be why your daughter never told you. It was her party and she didn't want fighting and arguing going on as well as feeling uncomfortable or feeling the need to choose between the both of you in a social situation.
Maybe she was thinking of you after all. Maybe she thought you might feel uncomfortable around your ex and his friends and family. Plus you said you were of different religious backgrounds. Maybe she thought you would feel uncomfortable because of that as well.
It sounds like you are a good mother and that you provide well for your children. And believe some day they will thank you for it.
But she does have a dad as well and I'm sure she loves him very much. She spends all her time with you and only 2 weekends a month with him. And I'm sure that she feels she owes him some privacy from you since you are no longer married.
What you need to remember is that you have been there for her. And you need to continue to be there for her no matter what.
Believe me when it is all said and done she will respect you and love you for standing your distance and giving her space with her dad.
Don't be selfish with your daughter. She needs to know her dad. She already knows you.
Plus it was her party. This is suppost to be a happy occasion
2006-08-13 13:08:00 · answer #1 · answered by rockn75 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't mean to sound mean here, but it sounds to me like you are jealous. You provide everything for your children and so you feel like everything you kids do at dads should be cleared through you. I say that's there dad, and usually the parent that the kids don't live with are the one they do more stuff with. Not saying you shouldn't feel like this I'm just saying don't measure what your conversations and parts of your kids life you should be a part of buy what you do for them, measure it by what type of people your children are becoming. As long as they are safe and nothing is happening that could harm your children, then relax they will open up to you more when they are ready, pushing your way in just clams them up more. You are doing a good job and even thought you might not get the thanks you want or need, that's not really what being a mom is about. Don't worry kids eventually grow up and take notice of the parent that has provided. Just don't lose them by trying to force your praise before they are ready to understand it.
As far as alowing them to keep up with there friends, i think that is a mastake, kids should know that everyone is different, and shouldnt want to be something because everyone ealse is doing it. Everyone learns this lesson at some point in time. i would think is a lesson better learn when they are young rather getting into dept or worse when they are older.How can they honestly enjoy something when they really enjoy it they are just doing it because everyone ealse is. Thats how we make "followers" not "leaders"
2006-08-13 19:26:26 · answer #2 · answered by Charisma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stop feeling upset about your daughter not telling you what happened at her fathers house.As long as he is taking good care of her while she's at his house why does it matter whether he had a ceremony or not?She probally knew you whould react this way and that's why she didn't tell you.
I like you am the parent that provides all of the "unnessary" items for my child.While it's awesome that you can do that for your child,do realize that noone asked you to give your daughter these things.It is only your responsibility to provide her basic needs so if you are struggling to provide this maybe you could cut out some of the unnessary items and only buy what you can afford.
Just love your daughter and teach her that she can have a good relationship with you and her father without you getting hurt and upset about the situation.
2006-08-13 19:19:44 · answer #3 · answered by kitty kat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to accept the fact that she loves her father, despite what he does and doesn't do for her, and she doesn't have to share everything with you.Nor do you have to provide every single one of the things that you do.My own mother made it very apparent that she hated my father and she was jealous of the love I had for him, so it put distance between us- in fact, it made me hate her for a few years; even now I'm not as close to her as I might have been otherwise.You don't want that, do you?My ex-husband acts just like my mom did, and it has hurt and angered our children the way my mom's behavior hurt and angered me.
2006-08-17 12:34:25 · answer #4 · answered by helen g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just told the reason everything is material and extras dose she have to do chores for the earning of the extras? If not she should. As for not telling you don't put it on her this is her fathers doings that should have been discussed with you . Good Luck
2006-08-13 19:15:07 · answer #5 · answered by Kristine B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's a child and probably feels torn between her mom and dad. She may feel that you think she loves her dad more than you,and vice versa with her dad. Tell her it hurt your feelings but u still love her and move on.
2006-08-13 20:51:37 · answer #6 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋