Why should we remain remarried?

Question

My wife and I are unable, physically and emotional, to engage in sex. Why should we remain married?

(exhausting details follow shortly)

We live as the best of friends. We don't argue about money or outside activities. We share the same bed, though at different times. We give the impression of a happily married couple. We have no intimacy. This area of the relationship has been a problem since the honeymoon. When I said we live as best friends, I meant it literally. Married couples are expected some amount of sexual connection. Not so with us. The affects of medical problems has had its toll on our attitudes toward each other. She has been diagnosed with chronic dyesthetic vulvadynia. No treatment has alleviated the intense pain she feels during intercourse. No cause has ever been determined. I have been found to be sterile. Both our conditions have resulted in a "why bother" attitude. I can't speak for her, as her answer to "what do you think of sex?" gets me "I don't know" as an answer. I want it. I want a deep, sexual-spiritual connection...

...I want more than a celibate marriage or a just-friends marriage. Is she to blame? No, of course not. Neither of us are at fault. We've both called divorce, in turn. We've been seperated once for four months, reconciling in 2002. We've been to counselling, with me going more for individual counselling. There's been infidelity, with forgiveness, but no improvement in our relationship there. I'm growing both uncertain of pursueing divorce and uncertain of remaining married. Uncertain about divorce because her insurance is crap. My insurance keeps her diabetic supplies under $10 a month; whereas, her insurance would cover 50% (out of pocket would be about $150 a month). I make twice her pay. I wouldn't want her to suddenly have these expenses, to say nothing of a split of responsibility over the debts. She's pointed this out numerous times to me in our divorce talks. I'm uncertain about remaining married because I want that connection with a woman, but not an affair...

I want an open, honest relationship, deeper than the live-in friendship. We both admitted that our expectations have not been met. She expected children while I expected The Connection. I hold to the philosophy that the deepest connection is made through sexual AND spiritual intercourse, sequetaniously; that is both simultaneously AND sequentially. Physically, things run sequentially, they follow a linear progression. Spiritually, things are both simultaneous and sequential. For those who have had deep sexual union with their mates, I'm certain to be understood. My wife and I have never been able to form such a close, intimate, union. Despite this, curiously, so many people encourage our remaining married. I have yet to hear a satisfactory explanation as to why. Oh, I've heard the religious reasoning an infinite number of times.

I've heard that we, emphasis on the we portion, are solely responsible for the sexual dysfuntion...the lack of sexual-spiritual union...within the relationship. Physically, we were unaware, until the honeymoon, that there was a medical sexual problem. This problem persists after 20 years. Sexual union is extremely painful for her regardless of the amount of lubrication, gentleness, slowlness, etc. The pain of sex has affected our attitudes about sex with each other. She's not asked me what I think of sex, though. She seems uninterested in considering thoughts on sex. Understand, please, I'm not referring to pornography, kink, BDSM or any specific fetish; instead, I'm referring to a Personal Sexual Philosophy. Everyone has a Personal Philosophy on a variety of life's aspects. A Work Philosophy, a Relationship Philosophy, a Financial Philosophy, etc. I think, and feel, that sex is a wonderous exchange of spiritual energies serving to create a deep bond between two people.

I'm not talking about the base, animalistic sex one would have with a prostitute or casual partner. I'm certain those who Know, Understand. Our marriage is without this bond. This bond is what Cleaves two into One. We are not so Cleaved. We are not One. Simply saying "I Do" does not instantly make two into One. Oneness requires Nurturing. We're unable to Nurture Oneness between us. Yet, we're encouraged to remain married for...for...for no good, reasonable, sensible, spiritual, physical reason. The reason appears to be for tradition, for religion, for law. I was told by a pastor "our marriage to our wives is a kind of sacrificial marriage." If this is literal, then what is the Divine Purpose of a Marriage without a Bond? What is the Divine Purpose of a Marriage of two into Two? What is the Divine Purpose of Sacrificing the Bond between Husband and Wife? What is the Divine Purpose of Sacrificing the Cleaving into One?

I've been directed to a variety of Bible verses, from both Old and New Testaments, yet, without sound interpretation, I can only relate these verses into our unique situation...the interpretation I make leaves my advisors chastising me for selfishness...and they refuse to interpret the very verses they quote into any meaning specific to our situation. I was once advised by a Protestant pastor to seek council from a Catholic priest on celibacy. The problem, I learned, is that the priest is voluntarily celibate, whereas we are not. Within the Catholic church, our marriage would have been annulled. This raises an intrigueing question: For all the accusation of blasphemy the Catholic church recieves, why are they the only ones to acknowledge the importance of sexual bonding within the marriage?

Tim

How would finding a woman just for sex be healing? I've tried it, though, and found it emotionally and spiritually starved. It's not for me, Tim.

Kool Cat1

We've been to counselling, me more than her, and I've had a few affairs. As I pointed out to Tim, there's no emotional or spiritual satisfaction with sneaking around, looking over my shoulder, and watching my tongue so as not to give it all away.

clccalifornia

You're right about her lacking interest in non-penetrative intimacy. I've suggested, and done many things for her to feel good; and she enjoys all of it. However, and I don't know why, when I tried to teach her about handjobs, she complained it does nothing for her. Her efforts in providing intimacy are barely half-hearted.

jc1959

Can a court order do that? Would I be required to pay the premium? As it stands now, my employer pays 100% of the premium. No money comes out of my paycheck toward insurance.

Would a court order the company to continue paying the premium, too?

Answer 1

There can be intimacy in a marriage without penitration.
You not having high sperm shouldn't affect sex either.
Sounds like your wife has no interested in any sort of intimacy. Women can enjoy being a woman withtout using her vagina. It seems that she isn't capable of changing things.
I personally believe strongly in the commitment of marriage and until death we do part. But, if the marriage is dead then nothing wrong with moving on.

Answer 2

you said it your self get a divorce. But get a court order that will make your insurance company carry her and take care of your part of the bills if that is the reason you are still with her. Take care of that and move on find your happiness and she her peace. NEW have her ask for that at your divorce hearing. have her put it in writing as to asking for alimony put in the Insurance deal.instead. IT DID HERE IN CA. TO MY COUSIN THAT'S WHAT SHE GOT. GO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY

Answer 3

I strongly recommend conseling. Or you could seek a bed buddy

Answer 4

damn, if you want to have a sexual realaionship then find someone else, all because you can't have kids doesn't mean you should not have sex, you need anoher woman

Answer 5

you can get sex from the palm sisters,and never get turned down