My friend of 7 years got married a year ago and now she constantly complains to me about her husband and her marriage. I have never been married, but I have had long-term-relationships. I find that her problems are very typical to LTRs and she is in constant panic mode and can't deal with even the smallest problems in her marriage.
She tells me about she and her husband's most intimate problems, and she completely disregards me when I tell her I don't want to hear it and just tells me anyway. Then she will find ways to bring it up in front of her husband to let him know that she has told me all about their personal problems.
I feel that she is being disrespectful to her husband and disrespectful to me when she does this. I absolutely HATE it and the position it puts me in in regard to their marriage. I feel like a third person in their marriage sometimes and I don't want to!!
I think she has exploited our friendship and don't know how to tell her I am unwilling to be her confidante.
2006-08-13 10:14:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Yes that how it sounds to me. I would tell her in front of husband that you do appreciate her doing this to you. She is trying to involve you in this to take her side it sounds like to me. She is bold and that is the only thing that will hit home with her. If you do it any other way she will shrug it off and continue. If she is your friend and she takes time to think about it then she should be OK. I wouldn't get my hopes up. Good luck.
2006-08-13 12:29:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
what you should do is tell her straight away how you feel it is not fair to you or her husband the way she's been behaving and if she continue like this she is going to drive you and her husband away. if she want someone to confine in she should seek professional help not dragging you through her intimate problems. she is been very disrespectful to her husband and no man should have to be humiliated by their spouse that way. you should remind her that she swore before god and witnesses that she would love, honour and cherish him until death do they part and so far in her action andwords she is not doing that. a man deserve a wife that can be their friend, convidant and lover. you must never let her drag you through humiliating her husband, i can tell you he's feeling very awful.
and if you hate it has much as you say you do then telling her how you feel should be so hard. i know you've been friends for seven years but if you truly value your friendship you will tell her how you feel and if she is truly your friend she will respect your honesty and wish to stop getting you invovled in her personal matters with her husband.
how to tell her is to take her some place where you both won't be distracted by anything and tell her how you feel at first you may feel its the wrong thing your doing but the relief you'll feel after saying whats on your mind, will help to easy your pain. good luck and don't be afraid, i'm sure a friendship of seven years will survive this little bump in the road.
2006-08-13 10:47:26 · answer #2 · answered by speak my mind 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like your friend is immature and has not grown up past the "tattle-tale" stage. She is looking for an authority to settle disputes between herself and her husband. She has put you in a very ugly and uncomfortable position.
What you want to do is modify her behavior and salvage the friendship. Sometimes humor and the unexpected can help to modify behavior in adults.
Just a suggestion...what about getting a party horn and blowing it loudly whenever and wherever she starts to bring up intimate information that you would just ...rather not know... It will take discipline on your part, to take the horn out of your purse and toot every time, no matter when or where. But I bet it won't take many times before she stops her inappropriate disclosures.
Hope this helps. Keep in touch and let us know how things are progressing.
2006-08-13 10:20:56 · answer #3 · answered by whirled_queen 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Boy thats a tough one. You need to set some firm boundries with here. Tell ......when you talk about this.........this will happen.
For instance tell her that when she calls on the phone to complain about her marriage, you will simply say.."that is off limitis....remember, and when you talk about it, I will hang up the phone, I am hanging up the phone now, bye" then just hang up the phone. Be consistant with your boundries. Perhaps write her a letter or an email and set down the boundries. If she can't live within those boundries. Then tell her that you love her as a friend but you are done dealing with the marriage thing and you will continue to hold her at arms length until she can deal with her marriage. Encourage her to seek some counseling. asap/
No matter how bad she thinks her husband is....nothing will change while she is so obnoxious.The two of them are in a circle of anger which will only be destructive.
Remember, nothing wrong with setting boundries with her.
2006-08-13 10:53:29 · answer #4 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You sound wise and level headed. Unfortunately your friend does not. I would be honest and tactful and back out gently or abruptly. Do what you have to do but you are right that being in the middle of a marriage is not good. She also sounds a bit "toxic" as a person. Maybe you could do without that.
2006-08-13 10:20:33 · answer #5 · answered by serendipity 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't want to offend her, so you need to handle it very tactfully.
Tell her that there is such a thing as SANCTITY in a marriage, that it is very precious, and that it is damaged when a third person is allowed in.
If that doesn't work, you will need to part company.
2006-08-13 10:20:03 · answer #6 · answered by Hermit 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Copy her to this question
2006-08-13 10:18:04 · answer #7 · answered by Conservative Texan 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋