What do you say to an unsorry father?

Question

My dad had been cheating on my mom for a year, living in Boston for work and coming home when he could. He was rude and mean to her at the same time.

Now, my mother has divorced him because he was never sorry for what he has done. Never apologized to his kids.

When we don't want to talk to him, he says he feels 'unloved'. Yet, he obviously doesn't care for us to much to break up our whole family by lying to us for years.

He still doesn't think he's done anything wrong. What can I say to him??

(people always say, "he's only human". Ya, he sure is. But this 'human' KNEW better. he sought this one out)

Thanks everyone for your compassionate answers! I appreciate them all!!

Answer 1

Confront him and tell him what you think and if he does not like it, tough

Answer 2

I'm sorry, but you are justified in how you feel. About the only thing worse than cheating is attempting to have the spouse murdered. Yes, Dad IS human. But, since he is human, he's expected to be more than an animal simply breeding. Sadly, he chose his path. Now, you feel pressure to "understand." The problem is that you DO understand. Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a deliberate choice. Your Dad did destroy his marriage, and harmed his children. He chose. So, now, it's supposed to be your job to "understand", meaning that YOU are to believe that because Dad feels cheating is ok, then it is. Sooo, do you please Dad, and believe cheating Mom and you kids out of a stable home is not a big deal? Or, do you hold Dad to a higher standard than a dog chasing a female in heat? Sadly, cheating does carry consequences. I can't fault you for not wanting to speak to him, certainly not until and unless he takes responsibility for his actions.

Answer 3

What you need to remember is, it is not your burden to bear the "sins of the father's" so on the one hand that says, you don't have to make his guilt or "bad" feelings better by making less of how you feel. Right? For a long time kids (generic kids from 14 to 40!) were forced to make parents feel better about themselves because the parents were intent on making everything look good to outsiders. So these "kids" were going around with migraines and ulcers because they were supposed to be OK with "he's only human" Well yeah, and as human we bear a certain responsibility to live up to our promises and to keep the people we hold near and dear to us safe. Your dad certainly didn't hold up to his marraige vows, nor did he keep you and your siblings safe from anything, really. And he certainly didn't do Ms Slutty McSlut any favors either.
But...(and for every good piece of wisdom, there usually is a caveat!) it's also not your burden to bear the "sins of the Mother" either. Now I don't know the situation at all, and from San Diego, it looks to me like Mom got screwed, you guys were deprived and Dad was a first class jerk. But make sure you're mad at him for YOUR reason's not your Mom's. Because for the most part except for extreme depravity, excessive selfishness, and utter lack of feelings for others, there usually are two sides to every story. So, tell him how you feel, (Dad, it sucked what you did to Mom, I don't get it. And then on top of that, you expect me to forgive you and you pull this BS "I am so unloved, Oh Poor Me crap?") and listen to him once, and then make a decision on what path to healing you need to take for you. But don't be swayed, and it's ok to still love your dad, despite what happened between Mom and Dad. You have to remember again, that's not your burden to bear - you're the innocent person here. You're actually the one in charge!

Answer 4

Yeah, he is human, but he knew what he was doing was wrong. He may not show it now, or he may not show it to you, but believe me. One day, it is going to hit him like a brick wall what he did. The guilt is going to eat him alive. The pain of what he did is going to nearly suffocate him. It may not be happening right now, cause I take it he is still with the "other women". Please whatever you do, do not take responsibility for any of this. None of it was your fault. Best thing for you to do is to tell your Dad exactly how you feel about what he did. Tell him how much it has hurt you. If you do still love him, I hope you do, then tell him you still love him. But also that he has to understand that your hurting right now. Make sure you tell him, this is not about "YOU", this about me and the way that I feel and the pain that I'm feeling. There is no excuse for his behavior, but people make bad choices everyday. He made one that affected the whole family. Now he has to EARN your trust and forgiveness at your speed, not his. Bless you, I wish you the best.

Answer 5

well, i have lived that lie too, but the difference is when i caught him have sex with another woman, the cat was out of the bag, and the road to divorce was paved, As for my father who thought nothing of us or me for catching him, one day it will come around and bite him, he wll be looking for his kids and thats the day he will realize what he has done wrong, and look for forgiveness, thats the day you will decide to forgive or not, just told him you weren't there for us so why should we be there for you, i have left that in his corner to decide what he wants and work for it

Answer 6

You need to share with him how you feel. If something were to happen to him tomorrow, you'd never forgive yourself. I wish you and your family all the best!

And good for your mom for getting out.

Answer 7

Ask him. "Why did you do it, Dad?" Maybe he has a good reason. Couples with kids don't live apart for no reason. Just as couples, who would otherwise become separated, often stay together because of kids.

Answer 8

tell him how you feel.. how does he expect you to treat him with respect and love when he's doing the complete opposite? the damage is already done, but he could have been helpful by comforting you instead of being a jerk.

HUMANS WITH FEELINGS WOULD KNOW BETTER.

Answer 9

Don't back down! You know you're in the right, but you might try saying some of this to him. This guy is obviously clueless!

Answer 10

I think your father feels stupid for what he had done and I think that some people cant admit that they are wrong.............I know you are angry and hurt, but 2 wrongs dont make a right!!! I think your father feels pretty low and cant admit it!!!

Answer 11

Confront him and tell him how that made you feel. Maybe then he'll realize how much he hurt all of you.