Serious question , please no smarta** answers.....?

Question

I gave up everything and moved in with a guy that lives 800 miles from my family. For a while everything was good but I feel that I have made a mistake. We have now been together for 1 1/2 years and it seem that anymore, I can't get him to pay attention to me. Our sex life is non existent and I have threatened many times to leave or find someone that would pay attention to me. When I do this, things are great for a couple of weeks but then it goes back to the same thing. He has talked of getting married come this New Year but I am not sure about any of it anymore. Much of the time I feel more like a mother and maid then a girlfriend and lover. My self esteem has gone down the tubes and I feel like I have no where to turn. Where we live now, he is extremely close to his family so I feel like he has it all and I am getting nothing. I know that I should leave but everyone knows that leaving isn't that easy. Are there any suggestions for other remedies?

I have asked my family and friends for advice and of course, all they want me to do is move out and move back to my family. Moving back would be extremely expensive for me unless I decide to just take my clothes and leave everything else.

Answer 1

Threatening him is the wrong way to go about getting him to pay attention to you. As you've noticed, it will work for a short time, then stop working. You have to get to the root of the problem. Really, how would you feel if he threatened you to start seeing other girls if you didn't start having sex with him? You'd probably think of it more like rape. Giving sex is for women what giving attention is for men.

That isn't to say that the solution is for you to start giving yourself to him more. It has to go both ways. Talk to him about why he's having such a hard time paying attention to you. You said you feel like "more of a mother and a maid..." Does that mean there are children in the picture? Is he being a good father? My own son takes up a great deal of my time, and I have to be very careful not to neglect my wife in favor of my 10 month old son. Being a good father is an important part of being a good husband, but there's more to it than just taking the boy and disappearing for three or four hours after I get home from work.

Maybe there's a lot of stress at work. I knew one couple that she was always complaining that he never paid attention to her, that he'd come home from work, and never want to hear about her day and how hard things were with the kids, so one day I asked her, "So when was the last time you ever sat down and listened to him talk about his day at work? Every time I'm there, you cut him short." I'm not sure if that comment had anything to do with it, but their marriage did improve starting about two weeks later.

You said he's talking about marriage. Might there be religious issues or guilt issues involved in your living together? If your immediate answer is "No," then you really don't know. If you ponder it for a while, and can come up with ten or fifteen reasons why the answer is no, then maybe it's a little more secure. If you talk to him and get his take on the matter, that's the most sure way. Guilt can be a powerful anti-motivator.

Also, the fact that he had you move in before you were even engaged does speak volumes on this subject. He wanted (and maybe you did to, not to judge, just to state) easy sex with no commitment. Well, now the sex is requiring a (time) commitment in giving you attention, and he's given up on trying to get sex. Are you really surprised?

The solution has to be changed to match the problem. If he's just not willing to put that much work into the girl he's living with, then he's not going to put that much work into a wife either. Leave.

If he's feeling like he's the one doing the lions share of giving (him putting himself out emotionally for you is like you putting yourself out sexually for him, remember) then maybe it's time for you to own up to that. (Your indication that things will improve for a time but your sex life is non-existent would make this a likely candidate.) A good rule to try to stick to is that it doesn't have to be the same night, but try to keep an even number of days that he does something sweet for you and you do something sexual for him. It of course won't always work out that way in a given period of time... if you're sick, and he takes good care of you then that's really sweet, but you won't be able to be sexual right away, and to the other extreme you might be in the mood at a time when he hasn't done anything. But just as a basic rule.

If he's putting all of his time into something else (job, kids, gambling, friends) then point that out, and try to work out an arrangement that works for both of you. Friday with his friends and Saturdays with you?

In short, you both need to agree there's a problem, then agree what that problem is, then the answer will usually become obvious.

Answer 2

You have the same feelings many newly married women have, when "the honeymoon is over" (a famous saying, usually this period is 2-3 yrs after the wedding ceremony). Then the rubber meets the road, and determination and hard work kick in.

The question is: what do you want to accomplish with your life?
What you have been doing, was only "playing house" not real house. When couples live together, they usually don't accomplish much in terms of family or investments or goals because inwardly they know they are not legally bound.
Just like in the rest of life: a contract ensures the importance and validity of a project, with future expectations.
.
The big benefit you have at this point, is that you can leave without alot of legal hassel because you never signed a marriage contract. But If you continue in a pattern playing house--you'll always be leaving or getting left. You need to decide how much respect and satisfaction you want and what you want to end up with, "at the end of the day".

Answer 3

This is a been there, done that for me.I only went one city away. I didn't have much contact with my family because they thought i should still be my ex,who abused me.My family sucks.Anyway,this guy was my protector.He took care of me and let me get away from all the bad things in my life.We got along great.He was the type that said he'd never get married.He was dedicated to his way of life and for a while i liked the change.After we'd been together about 2yrs i told him that i needed more and i wanted a family life and not just a when ever I'm needed thing.He did a lot of thinking.I was so ready to leave,yet i loved him and knew he loved me. We just had to find some common ground.Anyway,he had really cold feet when it came to marriage and family things.We did get married and he is the person i knew he could be.It all worked out for us.So i would say if he has the potential and can be what you want i would try to work things out as best i could with him.I felt very insecure at the time before all the changes went on.I was just lucky he was ready,just scared.I know it was long and all about me, but i hope it helps.

Answer 4

I think you made a mistake by giving up everything to be with him. It happens a lot, and it's not the end of the world though. From what you describe he seems controlling. Do you have family where you're at now, friends? Or by moving to be with him did you isolate yourself from your support? All I can suggest, if you don't want to go through the trouble of leaving, is that you suggest counseling to him, before you get married. These problems you're having now will not end with marriage, they will only get worse. Leaving may not be easy, but there are times in life when there is no easy choice. You should also seek out support groups where you are now. I'm assuming that you aren't working and are dependent on him financially, but there are places to turn. If you have Internet access, there are even on-line support groups. You need friends to build your self esteem back up, and then the choices you need to make will be much clearer to you.

Answer 5

If you are unhappy.. leave for the sole purpose to find happiness. Believe me.. he wont change after you get married. Nobody does. You will continue to be unhappy and you will have resentment building up inside you for all the things you wrote about. Getting into a marriage is less expensive and easier than getting a divorce. If it were me.. I would have left already, for the simple reason.. life is too short to be unhappy.

As far as your self esteem... you can overcome this. I realize that maybe he had a hand in making your self esteem go down the tubes.. but dont let him have that control over you anymore. Stand up.. believe in yourself, tell yourself you can do this and you will be suprised in what you alone can accomplish. Leave him and move on. It will be hard.. but you will become a better person once your goal has been achieved. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Dear Long Distance Lover i honestly would love to give you a nonsarcastic answer but since you live 800 miles away i can't help myself. Firstly how long did you know this guy before moving or are you a mail order lay. Honestly if you didn't know him that well preferably a couple of years and not via the net either then you shouldn't of moved 800 miles from friends and family. Seek couple counseling or as you put it leave with the clothes on your back sometimes we need to lose it all to learn a valuable lesson just don't repeet it.

Answer 7

I am not being a smart @ss ,so please don't think that I am, I am just curious! What I'm wanting to know is this. Do you think that just having sex with him is the only thing that honestly matters in a relationship? If you truly love him and he loves you you should not have a problem with your relationship! It sounds to me like he truly wants you in his life! I don't know if you work as well as he does,
If you do then the two of you should share the responsibilities in the house, if you don't work, then I don't understand how it makes you feel like the mother or maid!!!! If you truly love him it should make you feel good to do things for him! The other thing about your families. Do the two of you spend time getting to know each others families? When two people are involved in a serious relationship they are suppose to communicate, understand, love, & cherish, one another in every way!
I hope everything works out for the best
between the two of you!!!!!!!
Good Luck!!!!

Answer 8

You say you have threatened him MANY times. Well, threats can only work if you FOLLOW THROUGH, something you have yet to do. He knows your threats are hollow.

If leaving him is so difficult, try other things, such as getting a hobby outside the home. Spend more time with girlfriends. Continue your education. Get a job. Quit being the maid. Quit being the mother. Quit buying into him making you have low self esteem...this is your responsibility. Don't EVER depend on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. You have worth....start acting like it, dear one.

I pray for your heart.

Answer 9

my sister is in the same situation,but like you everybody tells her just to come home..easier said than done yeh!!like i tell her..dunno if its the same for you but i say to make him believe you dont "need" him.the more you let him no that your happiness ect relies on the way he treats you then he has you just were he wants you.he nos you wont leave him and he nos that if he sweetens you up for a few days things will be ok for the next couple of weeks.what he needs is a scare.maybe if its poss for you to tell him your leaving him and going home,but really just move into a hotel for a night or so around the corner.as soon as you leave he will have time to think,realise your independent and beg for your forgivness and make the change that he needs to start treating you corectly..he needs to be reminded that you are your own person and he cant treat you how he likes.try to take control of the situation and show you human.do the things you would do if you wasnt with him..live for you and not for him.but most of all enjoy yourself.all the best

Answer 10

You just moved to fast and are now finally getting to know each other. You two may not be a match. If you don't try to change him, just take him for who you have learned him to be, would you? If it were easy to move out, would you?
Your first obligation is to yourself and your future children. Is this the man you want raising them and influencing their life choices?
Ask yourself the many necessary questions that will affect the rest of your life.
Then, make the right choice. Don't worry about the hard stuff. Life is full of hard stuff. You need to accept that and practice doing what is best, not what is easy.
Good Luck and when you are done with the hard stuff you will be so proud of yourself!