Boyfriend's ex-wife insists son hates me...?

Question

When I'm around the boy I know he's having fun and we get along great, but as soon as he goes home from visitation she calls griping and says he hates me. She's always asking me not to be around him because it "causes him emotional stress", but he invites me along on visitation. I don't want to say no to him, but continuing to go only makes her more angry. Plus with her constantly saying he hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't know what to think. What should I do? Believe her and stay out of his life, or just focus on the feedback I get from the son?

A lot of people are raising the question of how permanent our relationship is. I've been with the man for two years but he's just now started visitation about 3 or 4 months ago.

Also, he has tried to address the situation over the phone but the mother insists the son hates me and will not have a rational conversation about it. One of her favorite things to do is claim that he states I've told him "I'm going to be his new mommy soon" which I have never even come close to saying. When the father gets on the phone with his son, he hears her say in the background as she's handing him the phone "If he asks you anything about [me] don't tell him ANYTHING".

I don't know how a rational conversation between the adults will be possible if she is so focused on causing problems? I really just want to do what is best for the son.

Answer 1

Have the boy's father sit down with him and have a conversation with him. Do not come right out and ask him if he likes you and wants you around.
Have the father sit down with him at like bedtime because that is when kids will be the most open with you. Have him talk about different things like how was your day, did you have fun, what was the best part of the day for you.....etc
and then during this conversation when the child's guard is down, ask him how he feels about you. About you being included in the family outings with him, does he like it when you tag along....etc. This is when you will get his honest answer to the situation.
After that issue has been solved, if the mother starts in on you again then you know it is just her being ugly and stirring up ****.
You have to realize that you are a threat to this woman, you have her husband (ex) and now she feels as if you are trying to take her son. This is her way of dealing with her own fears.
You just have to let what she says go in one ear and out the other.
As things progress and in time then try to talk to her and explain that you are not trying to take her place in her sons life. That you are just being his friend and learning to know him because he is a part of your life now since you are with his father.
Have your bf explain to her that she is hurting her son in the long run by making him feel that it is wrong to spend time with you, wrong to love you and want to be around you. Because you ARE a part of his life and therefor a part of his son's life. Have him tell her that you are there to stay and that she needs to get use to it. That he is not trying to replace her in his son's eyes or heart with you. That she IS the mother, and will always be the mother.

Answer 2

I went through something very close to this.
Try and not forget that this is a child.. an child brought in the middle of chaos.
Kids will pick up on the anger around them and will use it to their advantage. Stop asking the kid questions. Don't talk about the ex in front of him and make the time you are with him a positive experience.
skip a few visits or only meet for a coke, ect..
When my husband and I were dating we went through a 3 yr drama.. truth be told the fuel was fed by me some too.... the more she tried to push me away the more involved I became. When I started looking at the child as my husbands child and not seeing the ex
my attitude changed.
Your not married, this is not your child, and having stepchildren will never be easy. So if this relationship is not long term... then maybe you should rethink seeing the child.
I have been where you are and I am very sorry for you. It took us going to court for her to stop her actions... and many years of repaying debt to the attorneys...
good luck

Answer 3

I think boyfriend has to deal with this one. Mom needs to be talking to dad and dad needs to be making the decision with mom about whether you are a problem for son or not.

Maybe the 3 of them could sit down together and talk things out so your boyfriend actually hears from his own son's mouth how he feels about you. If you are going to be a factor in this kid's life, then your boyfriend needs to work out something for visitation that includes you, as kid will just have to deal with the fact that you are going to be in his life. But, if this is just a new relationship, and your future isn't perfectly solid, then maybe dad does need to focus on spending time alone with his son, at least some of the time, or at least for now until your relationship becomes more solid.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the boy to tell you one thing and his mother another...especially if he is young and especially if he feels that he will be "disloyal" to either of his parents by not giving the response they expect to hear, rather than expressing his real feelings.

You all need to be very careful not to use this child as a pawn to "prove" your side right in all this. Frankly, I don't think ANY of this should be YOUR decision....your boyfriend needs to have a grown up and responsible conversation with his ex and his son...and as a group, they need to work out an honest plan for integrating you into this child's life. None of this will be "right" unless this child feels like he can really be honest with both of his parents, without hurting either of them. In this case, it is totally up to the adults in the picture to make him feel like he is loved and supported by both of them, no matter how he feels.

It takes a big person to be able to handle this situation...swallowing a lot of pride and some negative feelings for the ex partner, but that is the only thing that will protect the fragile emotional condition of a child. You need to stay out of the decision making, and let this kid's parents deal with these things. If your boyfriend isn't dealing with it, and is leaving it up to you, then I'd question what kind of father he is, why he isn't taking a more active role in preserving the emotional security of his son, and I'd also question whether or not that is really the kind of guy you want in your life.

I don't think it is an easy answer, but that's what can be expected I think, from being in a relationship with someone who already has a kid or kids....you can expect to always be the second priority in that person's life, and that is the way it should be. Kids have to come first.

Answer 4

It's often hard for a mother to cope with the fact that her child likes being around his/her fathers girlfriend. That usually leads to jealousy and hard feelings, so the mother is prone to become negative in fear that their child may enjoy being around you so much that they think their own child has betrayed them and likes you more than them. Not always the case, but it's a fear a lot of mothers face. If the child is telling their mom they don't like you, but to your face they enjoy being around you, they may feel they're in a hard place so they tell you both what you want to hear to make you both happy so they don't get anyone upset with them. It's hard on a child in that situation.
If I were you, I would talk to your boyfriend about it and maybe him talk to his child one on one and/or maybe you join in. The mother cannot make you stay out if you're with her ex-husband; therefore, you have right to be around that child. How old is he by the way?
Any ways, try not to take too many hard feelings, just keep strong and remember, the child is facing a difficult time with the situation just as you and your boyfriend, and his mother are. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

He don't hate you. Is the mother she. She feel you took her husband now you might take the love from her son. She is the one stressing him out. If he break down after he get home is because she asks him a million question and he say what she wants to hear. Let your man talk to his son one on one and find out from him if he like you. Not come out and asks him have a friendly father son conversation then asks how do u feel about "U." His son won't lie to his father, well it depend on there relationship. But trust me kids are beautiful they don't know what hate is, unless they are taught to hate.

Answer 6

Maybe the young man does not want to hurt his mom's feelings. Also the woman has a real jealousy issue. Don't take it personal or let it bother you. Make sure the time with the kid is good quality time and let the relationship develop. The kid will ake his own mind up about it all, but if you buy into her ranting and raving then it interferes with your life and that will create problems. Show your class and don't drop to her level. Remember it takes two to make a fight.

Answer 7

If you know that the boy enjoys being with you, it sounds as if the mother is just trying to cause trouble. She is jealous of your relationship with her son (and her ex-husband). I believe that she is the one who has the "emotional stress". Has she moved on? I think I would insist that some of the visitation is with your boyfriend and his son alone. Join them sometimes but not every time. My boys like their dad's girlfriend, but sometimes complain that she is always around. I think boys need time just with their dads. Tell your boyfriend this.

Answer 8

Let me tell you from experience, she is jealous of you! not only for being with her ex, but she is afraid that you already have one man that was in her life, she can't stand the thought of her son liking you too! This is a terrible game adults do to their kids in situations like this. He is comfortable with you when mom is not around, go to court and let the judge know what's going on.

Answer 9

This may not be easy for you I know it wasnt for me but finally after 10 years things have worked out preatty good. It al falls with you if you love this man and want it to work you have to make all the sacrifices I know it dosn't sound fair. You need to remember the ex will always be the boys mother she will always have issues and the boy is caught in the middle he very well could be saying those things to not hurt his mom bysaying he likes you. Remember the saying he said she heard . I suggest you let father and son go out by their selves once in a while avoid confrontation with the ex remember your boyfriend has alot dealing with her he doesn't need you upset too. Put as little input into the 3 of them as possible be loving and supportive but nutral you need to remember your not married to him theirs a fine line about talking bad about the ex when your only the girlfriend. I went thrue tis with my now husband and he has 2 one boy and one girl still dealing with it with the girl once in a while but after 10 years and alot of patience on my side we all get along Hey I can even deal with the ex wife and we manage to get along on the holidays ALL in the same home for the kids and now grand babies but most of all you need to know deep down inside your heart how commited you are to this man if I can ever help you with advise...........

Answer 10

I think you should tell your bf if you haven't already, then have him talk to his son about the problem. Or the 3 of you have a sit down. The kid probably likes you but it tears him up because he loves his mom and dad and wants them back together. I went through something similar when I was a boy.