What to do, I have no clue how I feel after all of this...?

Question

After this past weekend, I am ready to hop on a plane to Lord knows where. My husband suffers from a condition I know has to be some sort of disorder. Very seldom, if he gets angry, he does not know how to supress it, or express it in a way without very hurtful words, screaming and shouting. ...and he does not stop, I have to leave. We've only been married 3 years this August 30th, and I've only wittnessed his anger about 4 times....2 of which involved my 2 girls (18 & 21), this past weekend. He has agreed to anger management, but this last time has done something to my feelings completely towards him. As remorsful as he is, and sorry for the pain and hurt towards my girls (and myself), I cannot feel anything for him at th is time. My 18yr old is leaving on Wednesday for the Navy, and the same day my other daughter is leaving for college the same day. Not only all of t his going on, my job has thrown me a curve ball and made it impossible to cope there as well. WHAT TO DO???

Answer 1

Just take stock first of all. Don't worry because things will work out for you, you have 2 wonderful daughters who need you so you must stay strong. Give your husband a chance to work his problem out with the anger management counselling. Agree a timescale within which you need to see some improvement and if this is not achieved then you need to consider your alternatives. Just because he is the father of your children does not beholden you to him for the rest of your life so decide what you want to do if he does not fulfil his promise. You should not stay in an angry relationship it is no good for you and will wear you down in the end. Please get some help with this and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

I think by leaving him it will hopfully make him, see the light and that you are serious about leaving him if he does not do something about his anger. He must realize that being so hurtful he has to deal with the consequences. Who knows what might happen the next time he gets angry - he might put someone in hospital or worse. Once he gets help and can prove that his anger is under control he must apologies to everyone and then you can consider moving back with him again. If it does then happen again after all that then leave him for good. You don't need some one like that. You have a whole life ahead of you and you will meet some one who will not hurt you and will love you no matter what. So don't get yourself down about it you have given him more than one chance and if he has not changed then he is never going to change unfortunately

Answer 3

Patience! Don't pin things down on those four moments, hurtful as they may be. Look at the other moments where things were alright and more than alright. Tell him that too, so he has an objective to look at other than only feeling remorseful.

At the same time he should continue with his anger management sessions, where you of course have to give him some positive input. It is not just for him but for yourself as well. Though make sure beforehand if this is an investment you are willing to make.

As for jumping on the plane, I remember how things are on the little island of St. Eustatius. It really is peace, quiet and very slow traffic. Nice hotels and great service, relieving you from all your daily worries and giving you time to think about everything that needs your thinking. It is not a bad idea at all to take some distance and give your husband some distance from everything as well.

When you can deal with him again and he has better control over himself in those moments, that would be the time to discuss things with the kids. Maybe you could bring them all to peaceful little St. Eustatius for the occasion. But just the privacy of your home will do just fine. Just keep in mind what brought the four of you together and whether it should still be functional as such, then how that can be achieved.

Best of luck to all of you.

Answer 4

I think you arent thinking of the long term. Have you tried to get help or medication for your husband? Is the marraige good otherwise except for the 3-4 blowups?

You say you cant cope at work anymore. It could be that this is just an accumulation of problems that you would be able to deal with if they were single problems. Together, it seems like too much and you have to try to get out.

I think you need to go somewhere to chill out and relax for a day or two. Get a little perspective, think about something else until you calm down. Then approach your problems one at a time and find solutions that way.

Dont make your decisions when you are hurt or upset, you will always regret it.

Answer 5

I have suffed the same problem as your husband. there is no quick ansewer im sorry to say. the only thing is to try to understand what the triggers are and avoide them as much as possible. Do not feel that you are to blame for the sudden changes. In many cases the outbursts can be brought under control simply by telling him you are as upset as he is then ask him what you BOTH can do about it?onece you have shown him you are on his side it will help to calm him down and he wont feel alone and be glad his partner is with him. There is also another factor and it could be medical speak to your family doctor about this problem and vent your concerns he should invite your husband to take some tests for me it was to late I ended up having a stroke because of the stress factor trust me HE your husband does not want that to happen love and understanding is the main power to you Good luck and god bless you

Answer 6

I don't really have an answer for you. The fact that your feelings have changed after this incident may mean that you are closer to making your decision than you realize. I have found that in life and marriage every thing we experience effects us in some way no matter how small. Sometimes once the damage is done there is no going back to the way things were. - sometimes that's a good thing too ! You have to do what's best for you. You will know what that is when you are ready.

Answer 7

Actually, this is an opportune time to consider all your options... Now that the kids are leaving the nest and your job situation is anything but delightful, I suggest that you decide what you really want from life.
How much longer do you want to put up with your situation? If you have tried marriage counseling and that didn't work then perhaps it is time for you to separate. It won't be easy but there are a lot of support groups out there.
Good luck.

Answer 8

It sounds like your hubby needs more than 'anger management'. First thing Monday morning if I were you, I would look into what your city has to offer for Mental Health care. He surely needs a therapist and a psychiatrist to put him on medication. They will also put him into an anger managment group that they will monitor. I sounds like he may have issues that could go back to when he was a child and have not been dealt with. And need to be in order for you two to have a happy marriage. Good Luck and please be careful!

Answer 9

it doesnt sound like you love him anymore. More divorces happen in January after Christmas. Did you know that? Take some time at least two weeks to think it out and then decide. Would you miss him? Do you want to try again? Loneliness can be very real. It was for me in between till I had my current husband move in with me. Think about it all so carefully.

Answer 10

I say fight for your family and marriage. Don't punish him (by taking away his family) for something that he can't control and is evidently very remorseful. Stick it out to see, if anger management works. In addition y'all may also want to see a relationship counselor (he may have learned this behavior from his dad), to work things out. If the anger management doesn't work and you feel as if you have done all that you can, then leave.