Our 15 y/old was seduced (behind our back) by a 20 y/old via Internet. Should we ruin his life over a mistake?

Question

Our 15 year old daughter was manipulated by a 20 year old man via the internet. He's a college kid, and according to the emails we found, they're both 'in love'. I have three other kids (boys), and feel somewhat guilty sending him to jail and ruining his life over this mistake. On the other hand, many people are saying 'Fry his a**', he knew better! I'd say she's a good kid, dealing with teenage life.

What would you do with this guy?

Thanks all for the amazing fast replies! This was her first (and only time). He knew her age, and she his. She's only had one boyfriend, and only got to first base before this (all from her diary, that I'm sorry I read). On his side of the coin, he is that 'nerdy' never had a real girlfriend type (as far as I can tell). Of course my daughter could look 18 or so, but I'm way to conservative to let her dress that way.

All of this happened via a popular social networking site (you can guess which). He started with 'let's be friends'... and ended up in the 'real world' with her...

Only good news is that she's clean, not pregnant, and in counseling now.

Answer 1

i think you did the right thing

Answer 2

well it really depends on what he's actually done.

if all he's done is verbally "seduced" her and "fallen in love" with her, then he hasn't actually done anything illegal.

if he has solicited her for sex, then he has definitely broken the law.

but if, like you said, he's just a lonely, "nerdy" kid who's never had a girlfriend, and had no intentions of having sex with your daughter, then he has not broken any law.

even if they were to have met and had a relationship in real life, there is nothing illegal about a 15 year old and a 20 year old dating (or even marrying, in some states like Kansas!!!). It's only if they have sex that it becomes illegal.

based on the information given, i'd say give the kid a break. he needs to know that he should look for girls his own age, over 18, and your daughter needs to know to stick with boys under 18 (at least, until she's 17 or so). but i dont think this warrants sending him to jail (nor do i think you could get a conviction)

Answer 3

I guess without more details, I don't really know what to say...

How old did he think she was? If he knew from the beginning that she was 15, I'd say that's a huge problem. How far did it go once he found out how old she really is? If he kept up with his end of the relationship or if it went further than e-mails (physical contact, for example), I'd "fry his a**" immediately.

If you're hesitant to immediately 'ruin his life' (I'm not sure how you mean that, so I'll just use your phrasing) then consider telling them both that it's over as of right now. Let him know that if he persues this, he will be facing charges. Consider trying to get a restraining order to let him know you are serious and give yourself some leverage should he be a fool and persue it.

You'll have to deal with your daughter as you see fit. In my opinion, this is a matter of her safety and the punishment should leave a lasting impression.

Answer 4

He knew how old she was, so he should suffer the consequences. Your not destroying his life, he just did by continuing the relationship while knowing her age. It was not a mistake, he knew what he was doing. He saw a young girl that he knew he could manipulate. So please stop worrying about him and concentrate on your daughter. Also, you have the right to snoop when you have a notion to snoop. It is your house and you pay the bills, so in all rights you do own everything in there. I snoop when I feel I need to with my 14 year old son. I have found some stuff and confronted him. He had an attitude for a moment, but got over it. He says that he knows I love him and that I mean no harm. He is right. I just want the best for my son. They will appreciate it down in the years to come, because you may have kept them from doing somethings that were not good for them.

Answer 5

I think it kind of depends on a few things. First of all, was she upfront about her age with him from the beginning? If so, he should have definitely been mature enough to back away from the situation. If she wasn't upfront about her age (by either lying or not telling), it's not really fair to hold him completely responsible.
Either way, I would not be comfortable with my 15 year old daughter dating a 20 year old college student. Not all, but many, 20 year old guys are only about one thing.
I would first forbid them to see each other, if that didn't work...I would take legal action. If they're really in "love" they can wait 3 years to be together.

Answer 6

Oh dear , Oh dear , oh dear.... have to add my opinion to this debate. Your daughter is 15. My daughter was having sex by the time she was 13..Now DOOOO be quiet, she is not a pervert, its the law here in SPAIN, Legal age of consent is 13, in England its 16. in USA its eems ridiculous that its illegal under 198 or I believe in some states 21. For goodness sake stop all this parochial nonsense, what about your so called PROMs isnt that where most girls loose their virginity. At 15 she is more than cabable of decisding if she want sex or not, and the guy at 20well at least she didnt have a 15 yr old fumbling boy doing it to her.

Answer 7

You absolutely should have sent him to jail. He was old enough to know what he was doing was wrong. He could have easily ruined your daughters life that fast. More parents need to step up to the plate like you and let these young punks know what the business it!!! Don't feel guilty. Feel guilty when your not checking up on your daughter, or when she becomes pregnant with No baby's father and your could have intervened and you didn't. YOU GO MOM!!!

Answer 8

I think you should get the whole story first. Just because he is older doesn't mean he started everything. I'm not saying anything bad about your child but lord knows what she has said to him. She may had lied about her age at first. Now if they took as far as sex then maybe you should do something about it. From the way it sounds if they did have sex I doubt he raped her, she agreed to it. You need to hear both of their sides of the story first. I know she is your child and you want to protect her but this all could maybe be her fault. She could have started the relationship. If he knows she is only 15 and he had sex with her he is just a sick person. But if its nothing more than a internet friendship or relationship I think its ok as long as he doesn't say anything to her that he shouldn't. Like them having cyber sex. You need to have a chat with your child about the dangers of meeting people in real life that you met online.

Also people always say bad things about myspace in fact I think it is very safe to meet someone from there. For one if the person has friends on there who put comments on there page about hanging out or even posting their real names then it proves it is the real them not some fake. Sorry to say most of the young gurls who get attacked by these online child molestors are apart of the problem. They talk to these men like they are grown and say things to them they have no business saying. Parents need to warn their children of the dangers like I said before.

Answer 9

well, since your daughter partiapted in this that is no reason to punish her an let him go to jail so if oyu do that then thats messed up but you no age dont havre any thing to do w/ anything the only reason that it matters to any one is because the "law" says so ......we have all had an older guy in or life time i am sure and if she really is or was in love w/ him then there is no reason to send him to jail and ruin her because she cant see him look lets justy say i am in love w/ an older guy and no if my gma ever foun out an sent him to jail id probably loose it so think about what this will do to your daughter mentaly ....find out how she feels about the hole thing first plz =)

Answer 10

The internet? Why isn't she locked out of those type of websites or at least monitored when she is on them? This should definitely be reported. He could be a preditor and she could just be one of his victims. How would you feel if you didn't report it and some other poor young girl ended up dead? If he's not a preditor then you won't have ruined his life. If he is you could save someone else.

Answer 11

My 16 yr old daughter is dealing with the same thing..the guy she likes is 20(THEY MET THROUGH HER GOOD FRIEND AT SCHOOL..HE'S THE GIRLS BROTHER)...my ex husband and I agree on ONE thing...this guy doesn't want to wait for her to come around and "play"...BUT I don't want to PUSH her into his arms by saying DON'T talk to the guy..cause then she'll go running to him..anyway..She knew his age...and he knew hers?! It COULD be that they ARE in love and you're right..Them loving each other ...having him arrested blah blah blah..would ruin his life and you said he seems like a really decent kid...Don't press charges...you do he then becomes a level sex offender and won't be able to get a job...LOOK people..HE'S NOT SITTING at a picnic table at the park molesting little kids..he's in love with this girl and she with him...I'd rather have them BE Honestly open and go through councelling then sneak behind my back and God knows whatelse...IF he made a habit of doing this and your daughter was in a long line of underage girls he did this too....THEN I'D SAY..FRY HIM...but he seems like a kid in love...age be damned!