What to do if in a loveless marriage?

Question

I've been praying and praying for it to go one way or the other but it just stays the same. Neither good or bad. Not too bad anyways. We've gone to counseling over his anger issues. He's on medication. He doesn't yell as much anymore but I still am not happy. I can feel a yearning to just be noticed and appreciated by somebody/anybody. What's your take?
Too good to leave...too bad to stay..

Been married since age 17 for 12 years. 4 counselors later...yeah you get the picture. 2 beautiful children. We both are self employed, I am primary caregiver. I've almost left 3 different times. I totally am all about standing up for yourself, and I have, he just always ends up saying he'll do anything when he can sense I've finally given up ya know? Who am I to leave w/o giving him another chance? I've read every Dr.P and Dr. Laura book, watched every Dr P and Oprah show to try and help our situation. He used to be very verbally abusive but I think he knows now that I won't put up with it but now its just neutral. Not good or bad. AHHH! I am normally such a woman of action so this is driving me crazy!

Answer 1

While the specifics are going to always be different, your story is unfortunately strikingly similar to many marriages today.

Of course you feel these yearnings, the man you married, who was supposed to be the answer to these yearnings, isn't stepping up to the plate and being the man you need him to be. Quite the opposite. And that's what you are continuing to do, is wait on him.

And you describe why it's so painful very succinctly. What you have is blaise, lukewarm, stuck in neutral. You'd probably prefer it was worse so you could more easily understand what your response should be. But it's just down the middle enough for you to hold out hope that he'll one day realize what he needs to do here to help make it better.

As unsatisfying as this sounds, at some point if you're interested in this marriage turning around, you may have to suck it up and be the first one to say something. Just be sure that when you do, it's a substantive statement, not an emotional plea for help, because he's probably not going to hear that. Again, understandably, you want him to be the one that wakes up and takes charge of getting your marriage back where you want it to be, where it should be. But you could be waiting the rest of your life on that.

In any event, you are ripe for an affair. All it's going to take is someone to show you the caring, passion, confidence, and sense of adventure you're not getting from your guy now, and you'll willingly let yourself be seduced by this (perhaps this question is even a passive means of exposing yourself to just such a possibility). Most sad is that what you will have won't be real, but it will satisfy that hole your husband has left in your life, giving you enough strength to live a lie with him for who knows how long.

Answer 2

Okay, now I am no doctor Phil or anything but honey, this does not sound good at all. Anger issues, medication?? How long has all of this been going on, how many years have you been together? If you are unhappy leave. Even though I feel that marraige should be forever, I am also a true believer that you should never let someone bring you down. For ever guy out there with anger issues on meds, there are 10 waiting to treat you right. Life is wayyy to short, do what makes you happy.

Answer 3

It depends on how long you have been married. Long marriage- you are probably wanting more excitment. You are probably at a point on frustration that you don't feel anything towards him anymore. You don't think of him as bad or good, but your feelings just left because you are too tried and bored. If you feel this way, you need to talk to him. Ask him what he thinks. If this is long marriage, try to continue with new adventures. Maybe get a more enjoyable sex life and try to get different daily patterns. He seems to care about you if he is taking pills of the marriage. Try to fall for him again.
See what he thinks. IF it still doesn't work, try a seperation.

Answer 4

I don't believe in divorce. Marriage is for the long haul not just because it seemed like the thing to do at the time. It sounds like you could be depressed, go to a counselor alone, get out of the house, get a job you like or volunteer. Hang out more with friends. Find something to do other than obsess over the things that are wrong and look for the things that right.

Answer 5

Stay. Divorce should never be an option.

Honey, I've been where you are, and you will be surprised at how simple the solution is. I know I was surprised by it! The answer is to DO loving things, not just pray thay love will return. When you ACT in love, your heart will follow. Not only that, it will also start a little loving fire in your hubby's heart, and he, too, will begin to feel the love he once had. AND... he will then begin to ACT in love, too!

What do I mean? Just this: choose to be patient with him, be kind, don't get easily angered, be blind to his faults, don't hold past mistakes over his head and forget about them altogether if you can, don't be rude or selfish or proud. You'll see. Trust me. I've been there.

Answer 6

If God is telling you to stay in this marriage, then stay. Listen closely. If you have to leave, make sure you do to your benefit.

Get out of the house. Get into some activities where you can meet friends who will appreciate you. If you find other ways to be happy in yourself, then you may see things in another light.

I am sorry for your situation and will be praying for you.

Answer 7

praying does not help. You are the only one who can help. You are responsible for your happiness. Start with learning to love yourself, stand up for yourself and don't let him take away your dignity by yelling at you. No woman should be yelled at.
If you don't want a divorce, find something what makes you happy, like ...start to paint, find some interest in art or start writing, go explore nature....life has sooooo much to offer. Love will come to you so easy when you love yourself. You'll see it. It is the only way. I wish you happiness, love and a wonderful life.(I know you will find it)

Answer 8

What will it take for you to be happy in your marriage? When you figure that one out, ask yourself: " Is this something my husband can help me with or is this something I can provide for myself"? If you answer the former, you will need to let your husband in on it. Hopefully he'll see it your way and make every attempt to help you get it. If you answer the latter, look within yourself to see what's missing in your own life and work towards filling in that void. Just remember that your happiness is your own responsibility. If nothing improves in your marriage, you have a choice to move on but at least try.
It's your call.

Answer 9

Well, given that you have tried counselling, and that it hasn't done much, you need to ask yourself whether or not staying is healthy for you and your children or not. Me, I did leave that because it was killing me inside and I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that ignoring your spouse was the way to treat each other. I wanted my children to hopefully see me in a decent happy relationship (which I did find) and to grow up knowing what it's like to see adults in a loving relationship. For you, well, questions like this are ones you need to ask yourself. Would you be better with him or without him?

Answer 10

well you must have had some moments together that left an impression on you or you would be gone! is your husband under alot of pressure because of what he is doing for the both of you?
do you work to help pay the bills? why is he so uncomfortable?
find out why before you just do the woman thing and just jet off on him, or maybe better yet do him a favor and take off, it sounds like your mind is already made up, just dont ask him to pay for it.