I need some help?

Question

I've been with my husband for 17 yrs. During this time we've been dealing with his drug addiction. He has been to rehab a couple of time. He's in rehab now for a week. We also have 2 children now. When he's not using he is a very loving man and a great father to our children. I've dealt with the lying, stealing and distrust. But somehow we still enjoy being with each. And have a lot of fun together. My family hates him for the things that he has put me and them through over the years. They are even upset with me about it. (I don't use drugs) I find myself caught in the middle of my husband and my family. My family does a lot for us. Shoud I honor my vows and go the good and the bad and no man put assunder or should I just give up and let him go. He is everything to our children they see no bad in him. I love him dearly. He really tries hard even in his active addiction. What should I do. Do i give up on my marriage?

Answer 1

I think you should follow your heart...as long as he is being good to you and the kids and is working hard on beating his addiction by going to rehab and all..then I can see why you would want to do everything to keep the marriage alive. I have always believed you should exhaust every possible effort in marriage...especially when you have children together.

As for your family...this really is between you and your husband. Even though your family does a lot for you as you say...it doesn't mean that gives them free reign over your life. Don't let the fact that they do things for you make you feel so guilty that you give into what they believe...that's not what is in your heart, it's in theirs.

I can tell you love him very much and it is good to see someone who isn't wanting to give up on their marriage. There are a lot of people who are giving up way to easy and here you are...been through so much...and are trying to hold it all together. Good luck to you and your family...I hope rehab will work better for him this go around.

Answer 2

Sounds like you're in a catch 22 - if you get rid of your man, you lose out on all the good things he does, but if you don't you put up with his drugs, and the family is on you to get rid of him. Honestly, 17yrs is a long time to say he's Trying to kick the habbit. However, 17yrs is an amazing accomplishment these days for a marriage to last that long.

My suggestion - move. Take the time, discuss it, plan it, then move away. I say this because obviously its too easy for your hubby to get back into the same ole habbits. Moving to a place you have never been before give your family a chance at a true fresh start. He won't know Exactly were to get his drugs and the process of moving can help him keep his mind off them when he gets out of rehab. In a new house, there are no places that he associates with what he usually does (ie, me and the boys usually smoke in the den, etc.)

Also, from personal experience, sometimes moving away from family members like to rain on your parade, or are just a bit too nosey, often makes it easier for them to take a step back and focus on how you are and not how you should be.

One other word though - if his addiction is to something like pot and not something really heavy like cocaine or heroine and stuff, maybe the two of you could just set a schedule that can include some time when its okay to do those things. Times when the impact of his usage is minimal. Above all, make a rule that he isn't allowed to make family decisions when he is high.

I say, mostly, that if you feel you love him enough to keep working with him, keep it up. Even though he falls alot, you are what keeps him trying, and giving up should be a last resort.

Answer 3

I don't know if you necessarily give up, but obviously, something has to start happening differently...history shows that whatever's happening in the relationship now is allowing him to go back to using drugs, if this has been ongoing for 17 years and he's in rehab now.

I think it depends on your strength level; if you can establish certain requirements for the 2 of you to maintain your relationship and stick to them, then give it another shot. If you, upon establishing these requirements cannot stand by them, then you are not strong enough for this relationship, and for the children's sake you need to end this relationship and get the kids as far away from this man as possible.

So what do I mean by "requirements"? Here's a few examples, and I suggest you get some feedback from some trusted sources that know the specifics of your situation to help you set up more.

1) NO DRUG USE. Period. If you catch him doing it again, it's over. No discussion, nothing.
2) He commits to a 12-step program, and attends his meetings without fail. The good news is, if he misses a regularly scheduled meeting, there will be groups meeting all over town, all through the week. So this should be easy to keep.
3) He maintains honest and open communication with you about his struggles, so you can be aware of his "triggers" and help him avoid or more healthily respond to them.

The rest, you'll have to figure out. But those are basic, ground level ones there. If you are looking at those and saying, "but what if", or "he doesn't know my situation", or anything other than "I can do that, without fail", then you are not strong enough to maintain the standards you need to maintain with children involved. And I've already stated above what you need to do if that's the case.

Good luck, and I'm sorry this is happening in your family.

Answer 4

This has to be very tough decision for you, based on what you have written here and what clearly comes across is that without the drugs, he is a very loving man and husband and father! That you have been together for 17 years(has he been using this whole time?)and that you have a lot of fun together, when the addiction is not active. If your question is, do you need to worry or be concerned about what your family says? No, I don't think so. I know family is important but this is your family, your life and your ultimate decision. They don't live with you nor can or should speak for you. I am sure they have been there, and it hurts them, but again, it is your life, your marriage and your children's lives. That is the most main concern, not what your family says or wants. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and yes it affected me. I personally could never continue to live with somebody who continues with active addiction. The fact though that he is now in rehab. is a new starting point. I would go through counseling sessions while he is there, to make your goals clear. I would say, "You are to stay clean, can not accept drugs or anything like it, in our house, near our children. I love you but I have to take care of myself and our kids so please, take care of you and stop the drugs now before it kills you and everything that you have." When he comes out, h e needs to stay either with an outpatient program or go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, daily, as many times a day as he needs to, have a sponsor, work the program, whatever works. You both need to be in counseling and work out any issues that may be there. Its not an easy journey but when is life? My heart goes out to you and your marriage and your kids. I will keep you in my thoughts. Be strong, and listen to what your inner gut is telling you, to me that is a message,don't know your beliefs but I would say, a sign that God is telling you. You are never alone! Take care, keep smiling, one moment at a time, one day at a time!

Answer 5

One person isn't a marriage. Marriage is a team. That means you both work toward a goal. Addiction means that the person addicted isn't working toward anything except their next high. His addiction is his choice. You are trying to decide this by using the sanctity of your marriage as an excuse to let hubby drag you and your kids into the gutter. You should be ashamed. Divorce the loser, and put your efforts into raising your kids. Perhaps that will make the sacrifices your parents have made to help you worthwhile. As long as you stay with him, any effort at helping you is tossing assets down a rat-hole. Your parents could help more by letting you live with the consequences of YOUR stupidity. Would you let your kids suffer, just so that when hubby ISN'T high, you can have fun? You are a mother, so your children must matter somewhat to you- don't they? How about thinking of their future? Or, do them a favor, and give them up for adoption. Then you and Mister High on can kill yourselves with drugs, or do whatever you want.

Answer 6

Honey, 17 years of this is a long time. Too long according to your family. But this isn't about them. Family will always be there. They may not understand, are obviously going to voice their opinions, but keep in mind they are only doing it because they care deeply for you. Your husband also seems to be the light of your life, which is a good thing, but it's also allowing this behavior to continue. You are his rock, he knows this and everytime he screws up, he does his stint in rehab and goes back to the way things were the minute he's getting out. It's a pattern....a pattern you are enabling to continue. As much as it is going to hurt you, you are the only one who can stop it. I understand you need to help him. Addiction to anything is an illness. But he's only truly going to stop when he's ready to and you know that. I can't guarantee not taking him back a time or two is going to make miracles happen, but I will say that after he's sober, it's going to make him think twice before he decides to use. Every little bit helps and the more he realizes that he can survive without the drugs and be happy, the more he's going to want to stay sober. You just have to make him see that.

Answer 7

NEVER GIVE UP ON MARRIAGE AND NEVER DIVORCE!!! It is one of the worst and most selfish things people do these days. Definitely give your marriage a chance. Your children will thank you for it.

Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy has a book called Created To Be His Help Meet. In it she discusses what wives can and should do when their hubbies are breaking the law (like using drugs). I highly recommend getting or borrowing a copy and reading up on it. She discusses how to help them at the same time as honoring them and protecting your children.

Many blessings!

Answer 8

I have been maried for 19 years. So I take marriage vows seriously. There are certain things that are "deal breakers." Drug addiction is a huge deal breaker. I have a friend who did what you are doing, and she eventually had to get out to keep her and the kids safe. After so many years, he is the drug. I'm sorry. Nice people get addicted to drugs, don't let him take you down with him.

Answer 9

No, I think that sometimes when you involve your family in things that the view will always be different. I have been married for 23 yrs and their will be time when family is needed but the less you involve them in your family crisis the better off you will be. Try to find another way to handle your situation the next time on your own. Only involve family or deal with them when necessary. You will always love family but you didn't marry the family you married him.

Things do get better.

Answer 10

Although his problems have caused serious problems, you speak of him with great affection. Support him all that you can, but also take time for yourself and kids. Love is very hard to find. You are the rock that is holding this marriage and family together. Good for you. I pray it will work. Hang in there