Can someone please tell me the funniest joke in the world?

Question

I really need to impress someone, so help!

Answer 1

This guy got invited to a swank dinner party at a client's house. It was a realy nice place...circular driveway and everything.
Anyways, the problem was he had gas pretty bad and he had been farting all day long and couldn't seem to keep it under control. He was very worried about it going to dinner.

The people having the dinner party turned out to be pretty down-to-earth, old redneck couple. They had their daughter there at dinner and a few others, more well-to-do types. They even allowed their dog in the dining room while they all ate.

After about half a glass of wine, the guy feels the churning, the turning, feels the gas bubbling up. The cramps, the twisting...he was almost sweating...then, sliently, pooooootttt. That was close.
About a half-minute later, the lady of the house looked down toward the guy's end of the table, eyed the dog disaparagingly and hissed, "Spot!"
"Hmmm," thought the guy, "she thinks its the dog. Cool."

As the main course is served, he can feel it squirming and rumbling again, and about halfway through the meatloaf, he could hold it no more. Pooooooootttttttt. Another one- silent but deadly. Half a minute later, the lady looked down from the head of the table.
"Spot!" She ****** her head over rapidly toward the kitchen, but the dog did not move.

The guy was almost gleeful, giddy, and certainly thankful that the dog was there. But around desert, after he had had his fill of turtle soup and old-style, meatloaf, it came rumbling again, this time with a vengeance. He didn't know if he could stealth this one out or not.
He lifted his cheek and concentrated. Poooooooooooooo-ooooooo-oootttttttttttt....Stealthy, unhealthy. Cool. Thirty seconds ticked by.
Sure enough, the lady at the head of the table looked down angrily from her end, pointed her finger out of the room and said, "Spot! For the last time...get away from him before he shitts on ya!"

Answer 2

A Engineer dies and goes to heaven,
when he arrives at the gates he
is told there was a mixup
and he was supposed to go to hell.
So he gets in the elevator
and is instantly transported to hell.
After a few days the engineer
decides hell needs soom fixing
up so he
installs some faucets with cold icewater,
a swimming pool, and best
of all AIR CONDITIONING!
A week later the Devil receives a phone call from god,
God tells him
there has been a mistake,
the engineer was supposed to be in heaven.
The Devil grins and says,
"Well its too late, we have him and we are
going to keep him."
God thinks for a minute and replies, " I'll sue!"
The devil respones with a loud burst of laugher,
"ahhhHA HA,
youwhowho, HEEHEEHEE!
Where are YOU going to get the lawyers!"

Answer 3

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are in a bar, when a man runs in to say "Whoever's white horse is out there; well, he just fainted from the heat". The lone Ranger and Tonto ran out side and gave Silver some water, but he still looked pretty hot. So the Lone Ranger asked if Tonto would run around and around Silver, and cause a breeze, and cool Silver off. Well, that started to work, and the Lone Ranger went back inside to pay the bill. Just then a man came running inside! "What is it, my horse?" The Lone Ranger asked. "No sir, you just left your injun running!"

Answer 4

Well, I think this joke is funny, but I only have three in my repertoire, and it depends on your sense of humor whether it's funny to you or not.

These guys were drafted into a war. And as they were lining up to get all their equipment, boots, pants, shirts, guns, and so on, they got to this one guy and they gave him a broom handle. We're all out of guns, they said. You just take the handle and point it at the other guy and say bang bang and it works. Well the soldier didn't think much of this, but he was in the middle of a battle so he points the gun and says bang bang and an enemy falls over. He points it again and says bang bang and an enemy falls over. He's beginning to think he's on to a pretty good thing and the shooting goes on for awhile and then he points it at this guy and goes bang bang and the guy just keeps coming, and he points it again and the guy's getting closer and he says bang bang and the guy keeps on coming and he keeps pointing and saying bang bang, bang, bang, and the last thing he hears, as the guy rolls over him is "tankety tank", tankety tank.

Answer 5

hmmm
i m just trying
one Mr. joe went to doctor and said "when ever i see anything it appears like 2 in number as i can c 2 doctors in front of me"
Doctor said "Ok i will tell u the solution u all 4 come after 1 day."






coz doctor's problem was that everything appears 4 times in front of him

Answer 6

1 Brunette and 10 blondes are on a grappiling hook 20000 ft. above sea level. there all about to die unless one of them lets go. after deep thought, the brunette says she'll do it. all blondies applaud

Answer 7

A crowded elevator smells different to a mmidget.

Answer 8

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"

I know it's stupid, but I love that joke.

Another funny one is you say "knock knock." They say "who's there?" You say "interrupting cow." They say "interrupting c..."
and in the middle of them saying that, you interrupt them and yell "MOOOOOOO"

Answer 9

the funniest joke in the world ;)

Just kiddin, I really don't have one.
Good luck.

Answer 10

Women have equal rights.