Why doesn't my husband speak up in front of his mother?

Question

Hi, I have been married for 1.5 yrs and was happy until my mother in law and father in law came to stay with us. When I was spending two days away from my home I dont know what they did but my husband started behaving very differently. One day my husbands father talked very rudely to me and my husband and his mom also started shouting at me calling me names and saying that I was basically an egoist only interested in my own little life. I don’t know how this happened. I angrily reacted back and my husband did not say a word. When we tried to work things out when his parents left, we started living together again but things have changed. We arent as friendly as we always were, his parents still keep influencing him and basically I dont think he has a mind of his own. He gets influenced by whoever tells him anything. I feel bad and used as I am his wife but he did not support me in front of his parents. What do I do? How will my husband know what a role of a husband is in a marriage?

Answer 1

This is how this goes. While you were away and hubby was with mommy and daddy, he probably went on about how you did things he did not like and ran down the litany of faults and problems. You walk back in and they start treating you like the bad child. The problem is he does not now go back and tell them that he was venting and did not mean to sour their opinion of you. This is problem with talking to family about family. It sounds like the problem lies with your husband in a number of ways. He does not have the nerve to tell mommy that she is wrong. He cannot tell them that he was wrong to say anything to them. Finally he does not have the backbone to tell them that he loves you, you are his wife and that they must treat you with respect.
Do you get the drift here? Do not talk to the parents. Get your husband straight and make him get then straight. If that does not work get a lawyer.

Answer 2

Your husband needs to grow a spine and you have lost respect for him. Only you can decide whether or not it can be fixed but honestly if he is going to follow along with what anyone that comes along tells him why would you bother? That has to add up to a lifetime of disappointment, I don't know how you could respect him as a man and I personally wouldn't bother. Tell him to grow up and be a man and think for himself and if that doesn't work tell him you just can't be with him anymore.

Answer 3

Ah, I know this one all too well! I had the same problem with my husband and his father. Luckily we live in CA and his father in Hawaii so we didn't have to worry about seeing him very often. Your hubby, if he is like mine, has a great amount of respect for his parents and finds it hard to say anything that would disagree with them. That means even when it comes to his wife. Unfortunately, it took my husband seeing how his father acted when his Grandmother died to realize just what an *** his father really was and that everything we had all been saying about his father all these years was true. It was hard for him to take, but at last he saw it for himself. My advise to you though since you have a closer to home situation is to tell your husband that you are his wife and he should be supporting you as you support him. Ask him if he realizes that if makes him look like a Mama's boy to others, when he lets them treat you like that without coming to your defense. Men really hate that! Then tell him that you are going to call them and have a meeting with them and tell them that you are tired of their treating you the way that they do also. That should get the wheels rolling one way or another. If he doesn't stand up for you or at least promise to, keep your word and have that meeting with his parents. If he won't defend you, then you go and do it for yourself in a mature and peaceful way. Tell them everything that you feel, but tell them, don't yell as that won't help your cause a bit. If none of this works, maybe you can suggest family counciling for all of you. Marriage is about support and compormise and if he isn't willing to give you either, maybe it's time to re-evaluate what you find important in your life and what you need to do to make you happy .

Answer 4

Hi there !
Remember ..you husband met his mother even years before meeting you...
Naturally..I can understand a wife becoming possessive ..But remember you husband is trying to maintain both sides' relations with his mother as well as his wife..
Imagine the mental pressure he may be undergoing to maintain the harmony at home..
After all..your mother-in-law happens to be his mother..not anybody else..
Come out off the shell you are in now..
Give ur husband more mental support ...and see the difference !
In Tamil they say, "veettukku veedu vasal pady", meaning... all houses have got similar probs..only the degree varies..dont worry..it's only a temporary phase.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to tell you honey, but that's just the way he is. A little boy stuck to his mommy and daddy still. He does not know what it means to be married and leave his parents. He forgets who is real family is now.
My husband is the same way.
Our first two years of marriage was pretty much hell because of it.
Stick in there, though and pray for him. Don't say bad things about his family to him ever, just sit down with him and tell him how you feel, and, give him a scenario of if the tables were turned and it was you doing what he's doing, etc.
His parents must have some pretty lame opinions of you, as my inlaws do of me. There's nothing you can do to fix that. Take my word for it. I've tried. Things have only gotten worse with all of my husband's family.
He needs to understand that he picked you, you are his family now, and if he loves and respects you and plans on staying loyal and faithful to you that he needs to not ever confide in his parents, not ever listen to their negativity towards you, and also that you won't be going with him whenever he goes to visit them.
Don't let them come see you guys again unless you're going to be gone.
You don't deserve to put up with this kind of treatment, even if you had done something to provoke it (which I doubt).

He's still her little boy and she thinks she's being protective of him from a potential hazard: you. Silly and stupid and lame as it is, that's just how those over-protective mothers are, and what's even more dumb about it is the boy's love it.

Be as sweet as you can to his parents, so nice that it embarresses them. Make them feel bad for trying to hate you, etc. Do nice things for them.
Do really nice things for your husband.

The first way to someone's heart is by serving them unconditionally.

Good luck sweety. I am soooo sorry you married a moron like my husband is. Give him some time and he'll VERY SLOWLY grow up (hopefully). If you don't have kids yet, don't have them for awhile. It'll only make things harder and you will find that his parents will treat your children indifferently.

:)

Answer 6

You are alleging that your in-laws brainwashed your husband to behave differently...right? And that he did not support you when they spoke against you!!
I am a married man and I have faced these situations.On one side you have to respect the parents and on the other side my wife demands me as a whole!!My belief is that I cannot teach my parents as they are older than me and also had brought me up till marriage. On the other side, my wife, eventhough may feel a little rejected, can be brought under control after the event in our own bedroom and I keep neutral in their petty arguments.Later on, I talk to my wife in private and make her understand the duties of a son and then that of a husband!! Eventhough she may not agree initially, later on she calms down.
How will you feel if your husband starts arguments with your parents? Iam sure you will take the parent's side initially. You are a little too possesive to your husband and does not want hims to be his parent's boy. All other things you mentioned about him are out of your imagination!!!!!

Answer 7

I am quite sure that you are well-educated and intelligent but I feel that psychology was not your option for graduation. If it was and if you had studied Freud what is happening would never have appeared a problem to you. On th other hand the confirmation of some Freudian dogmas before your very eyes would have raised him higher in your estimation. Freud has said that even a child considers his father as a competetor for his mother's affection and envies him. Could it not be that the father taking revenge on his son for this in his(father-in-law's) affection for his daughter-in-law since she bestows all attention to his son and only just tolerates him(father-in-law).Same is the case with mother-in-law. She just cannot tolerate a competetor in her love for her son. So try to understand that this is Freudian psychology that is working. Perhaps if this thing was laid bare before the In-Laws they will be offended and would never admit it. But the prevalance of this friction in all families,irrespective of caste,colour,creed or country only goes to show the universality of this thing. There is little you can do about it because one day you are als going to go through it. Try to understand these basics and think of apportioning blame to anybody.It is true that wise parents know that they have lost the battle and accept the defeat gracefully and try to keep as far away from this field of almost daily engagements. This is not always possible for reasons of economy, health etc. Try to understrand these limitations and endeavour to put up with them as far as possible. Just breaking the marriage will not help because Freud will be operating in the new environment in which you may choose to enter. Also try to visualise the plight of your own father and mother who must be undergoing the same trauma and your sister-in-law who would be your counterpart .How would you feel if she was apathetic to your parents. While you may appreciate that your parents may be slightly overdoing it would you not expect the sis-in-law to show some tolerance against his broad canvass.So as one responder has suggested (she did not even consider leaving her husband eventhough she has been facing the same problem from day one) try to ingratiate yourself with your In Laws so that they would almost feel guilty and advise their son to pay more attention to you rather than be a momma's boy.

Hope you try to adopt this logic. I am sure it will work Only I would not be there to look to your beatific face, my child.

Answer 8

Tell him about it and if he doesn't want to be an adult with a mind of his own, then you would like to have a divorce. He is a mouse not a man. Not worth having.

Answer 9

He's trying to avoid confrintation and he doesnt want anyone to be angry with him or offend anyone. Or he may not know what to say or he may be scared to say the wrong thing. So to avoid it all he just doesn't say anything.

Answer 10

You & ur husbands business is ur business. Tell ur husband that. He needs to support you infront of his parents. As you do him. I went to a counsler before because I had this problem. You and ur husband need to be a team. His parents aren't on ur team. Go talk to someone with or with out ur husband.