my husband is threating me w/divorce.he mentally abuses me, and i don't know what to do.?

Question

i've been married 12years and i feel like my heads spinning. we have 2 children. he threatens me w/ money, because i would loose the lifestyle i grown to like. he doesn't want me to have any friends, a car. he tells me i'm crazy and he can't take me anymore.and he doesn't deserve to live like this. and screams in my face. any more i feel numb. my mind is empty and i can't think, when hes angery at me. i'm scared, i won't be able to take care of myself and my kids if i leave. and i'm afraid of being alone. what can i do?

Answer 1

I know what you're suggesting when you say he's threatening to take away the lifestyle that you've grown accustomed to, but let's really think about this; would that be such a bad thing? Would it be so bad not to be numb again? Even if it was in a crumby apartment? Would it be so bad to not get the verbal abuse? Divorce his ***. You don't deserve it. Worried about the kids? Yes, a divorce is rough on kids, to put it lightly. Wouldn't you agree that it's worse for them to grow up in the house with him mistreating you? I think it's much worse. Those kids will follow no other example more than they follow yours and his. Get yourself away from this man and take the kids with you. Divorce him. Etc. It's time to stop tolerating him.

Answer 2

I am no religious nut, but first you should start to pray to whoever/whatever gives you strength. Take some long walks - BY YOURSELF - and think for a bit. I think you will find being alone is much better than being abused. You will not go hungry and neither will your kids. Figure out your priorities, as long as everyone is health, that is what really matters. Right now everyone is in a sick situation. There will be times when it will suck, but you will be fine. Ignore the threat as they will increase. Get a good attorney, ask around and get the divorce over with sooner rather than later. At some point during this process you will feel for the first time in a long time that you are a person again. Music will sound better, you will smile again, your eyes will have life again. I looked a photos of me during my abusive marriage and regardless of the smile on my face, my eyes were always sad. You have served your time. Find your strength, ignore his threats. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and get out. Best of luck, life is waiting for you.

Answer 3

It sounds like he's got you right where he wants to. An abusive personality likes to have control and they manipulate and make you feel stupid and like you can't do anything for yourself and that only he thinks you're pretty, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc.
I was in a couple of abusive relationships and honestly, when you're in one you just can't see the whole picture or think straight. They make you think something's wrong with yourself. That you're stupid, retarded, have a "brain disease" of some kind or something, that you're incapable and make so many mistakes nobody would want you.
The list goes on.
It's all their way of controlling you and keeping you in their little box, because believe it or not, they're more insecure than you are.

I think what you need to do is get out. Sounds like you've put up with this for too long. Go to your mothers, a sisters, an aunts, a good friends until you get your feet on the ground, or go to a women's shelter.

He's not going to change and it makes no difference at all what you do, he'll be the same. It's NOT your fault, you are NOT to blame, you did NOTHING wrong, you can do nothing better to please him (you've done enough) so I would say do what you always dreaded: give up on him and leave him. He and your kids don't deserve this. He's dangerous.
The kids don't need to witness this treatment. They'll do the same thing to their spouses and kids cuz their dad did it. They'd be happier without him. Sure, they probably don't realize this, nor do you obviously, but take my word for it. Been there, done that.

Call some people you know for help and courage and a "push", cuz believe me, you'll need it.
Now be careful with him. If he knows you're leaving (don't threaten him, just DO it) then he might change for the worse, or worse yet, change for the better to convince you to stay until the next cycle of abuse comes around but only worse than before.

Good lucky, sweetie. I'm very sorry for the horribly pain you're enduring right now, but you CAN do it and you'll be JUST FINE without him!!

Answer 4

Leave, you deserve better. Don't let him tell you that you can't do it on your own, he's just manipulating you. Think about your kids and the fact that they have to live in that messed up situation. You and your children will be better off getting away from him. You say you are scared you won't be able to take care of your kids, but there are many women out there who do, you can too. As far as being alone is concerned, you won't be you'll have your kids. Staying with him because you don't want to be without a man is not a good reason for staying. There are good guys out there who are willing and able to treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated.

Answer 5

He will have to pay support for you and your kids until you get on your feet. Honestly I know it is scary but you will be amazed at how much better you feel when you aren't living like this anymore, you are also much stronger than you think you are...how much strength has it taken to live like this all these years? Call a domestic violence hotline, they can help you and give you someone to talk to, really its what they are there for. I know you can't see it now but I promise you this will turn out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to you in the long run. The life style isn't worth the price you pay for it, trust me! Personally I would rather be smiling and feel peace in a shack than be crying and screamed at in a mansion! You don't remember what its like not to live this way but once you experience it just for a little while it will feel like a 10 thousand pound weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You can do this, good luck to you, you will be ok! I've been there and I've done it...twice. After you survive the first one you find yourself much less willing to put up with crap and it feels great!!

Answer 6

I was in your shoes after 20 years of marriage. He had done a grerat job of destroying my self-esteem. I dind't think I was capable of handling anything on my own, much less with two kids depending on me.

Well, guess what. I own my own home, I have a great job, my 4 year old jeep is paid off, and my children are out on their own. It really can be done.

Here is what helped me get through all of that:

1) Get a lawyer fast and get a divorce. Yes, your life style will change, but my kids swear it was the best thing I did for them.
I had to rent a tiny house for us that was less than half the size of my old house, but we made it through.

2) Find counseling somewhere. I could not afford it, but I was lucky enough to read about a divorce support group that was sponsored by a local church. They had a one-time joining fee of $15, and I couldn't pay it. They accepted me anyway and several people donated a dollar or two to pay for my fees. They would have let me attend for free. I atteneded weekly meetings for two years before I was back to actually likeing myself.

3) Get involved with some type of community volunteer function. You feel better about yourself when you are helping others. There will be some where you children can help, too.

4) Find something special for yourself to do. If you always wanted to be a photograph, then join a photo club. If you like to sew, then join a sewing club. Get out and get involved with other people of all kinds. You will enjoy life this way.

I truly understand how you feel. You may contact me any time you need to talk about this.

Answer 7

You can live without him. It may take a lot of doing and you would actually have to be strong for yourself. Your "lifestyle" would be different for a while but given time, you will be happier without the abuse. Just don't fall into the arms of another user and abuser. I don't know what your situation is exactly, but women face this and worse and if they aren't killed by their men, they actually can make a very good life for themselves and their children. Not dealing with the stress will clear your head. Learn to live on your own before even thinking about being dependent on another man. It will be worth it. When you can find happiness within yourself and for yourself, that will make all the unhappiness worth having. Live and learn. You can do it. There are probably places in your community that will help you. Contact your county human services and just ask. Most places have people more than willing to help. Call an abuse hot-line. Mental health organization. Places like that. Ask for help!!!

Answer 8

Are you serious? It is an insult to people that are abused to say that you are abused but staying for money. People that are abused are hurt and frightened and want to get away.
That's not to say that he's not mean to you, and to that I say, you are letting him treat you like trash. If you are scared of being broke, then you really aren't that scared. You can always work at Burger King or the Dry Cleaners if you can't get a job at an office or something. Once you get your confidence back, friends and fun will follow. You'll have to do some hard stuff first, though.
Also, if your husband works, you will 100% certainly get an order of child support - this will give you a small source of income, which is a leg up on a lot of folks in the world. Do you want to teach your kids to value materialism over their sanity and happiness?

Answer 9

Sounds like he has got you right where he wants you. I have been there too. I know at this point it all seems impossible, but it is not, and you can survive without him. You may not live in the style you have grown accustomed to, but would you rather have material things or sanity? Plus, think about what this is doing to your kids, they are learning how to have a relationship from yours.

Unfortunately this is an all to common situation, but fortunately there are resources out there to help you. You are being abused and you can get help. Look in your phone book for a women's hotline and go from there. You can get out of this for yourself and your children.
He is a very sick person who feels completely inferior and needs to do the same to you otherwise he fears you will leave him.
You have a bit of a mountain in front of you, but did you ever see the view from the top of a mountain, it's extraordinary. YOU CAN DO THIS! Go girl!

Answer 10

Abuse is abuse no matter how you look at it. You have some choices to make and cold hearted as it may be you had better wake up and see what's best for your children and to hell with your own personal comforts and money. Most abuse starts with words and all too often escalates from there. Go to this site and do some serious reading.
http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
There are more women that take this crap because of fear than many people would ever dream about and fear of the unknown keeps them there. As the saying goes, been there and done that. I walked before I ended up a statistic (DEAD) and you had better be waking up at well, if not for yourself for your kids.