I want your honest opinion about my poem? Is it good or bad? What do you think?

Question

Savannah Paradise
By: Eric Wyatt

The daylight shines on the African sand,
The trees, the animals, the eminent land.
The sky is a canvas for unpolluted eyes,
The shadows dance while the lion’s prey dies

As the sun rises, the sunlight paints another view.
The day starts again as if the process is new.
The same routine starts over once more,
This day’s no different than the ones before.

The elephant mother wakes up to the fresh, new day,
While the vulture’s feast maintains its decay.
The cheetah awakens to look for its meal.
To see which of the zebra is the most ideal.

All the plants and animals interact in a sensual art.
Everything coincides, they share one heart.
The opulence of it all quenches one’s thirst like wine.
Disturbing the beautiful balance would be an absolute crime.

The entire presence of such magnificent bliss,
Makes one wonder if it truly exists.

Answer 1

Good. The lines portray what are done in a fresh day and they are simple to understand.

Although the last 2 lines are questioning on whether such a view exists, I must say that maybe in this world it does exists, except that we have not seen it before with our very own eyes.

Most of us live in city areas where we are not able to see the beauty of nature.

Answer 2

I think you have an awesome subject and some interesting ideas. If you want to write an award-winning poem, get ready for some serious editing. I think your main idea is this: "All the plants and animals (and the land itself) interact in a sensual art" - but it's the kind of line that would come out of a well-written paragraph and not a poem. There is a lack of specific sensual details to bring the poem alive. The most common sense young poets use is sight. Remember to use sound, touch, smell, and taste as well. I see you have one reference to thirst but it is a neutral, sort of trite reference to wine - and we don't even know what kind of wine it is. See if you can rewrite the poem without worrying about end rhymes - since the meter isn't even regular. Your very strongest line is "The shadows dance while the lion's prey dies." In fact, you could use that as the beginning line to draw the reader in, then go on to describe the lions first. Go ahead and keep your title - unless you think of another one later. Good luck - you have a lot of promise!

Answer 3

My honest opinion: the rhymes are juvenile and no successful rhythm is established. The language is very stumbling--as though you looked simple words up in a thesaurus to make it more vibrant rather than actually feeling those words. It is a beautiful picture you're trying to establish, and depending on your age/experience a good effort.
If you want to stick with such strict rhymes try conforming to iambic pentameter or another syllable scheme to lend your poems more consistency and structure.

Answer 4

I liked the poem but I especially like the first two stanzas and the last couplet. You've painted a mural of Africa in your poetry. You're really good, keep it up

Answer 5

OK I dont like poetry much ( ok not at all ) so take it for what it worth on a scale of 1-10


I give it a 5

Answer 6

It was okay. You painted a pretty good picture with your words but it lacked passion for me. Keep writing your poetry. You can only get better.

Answer 7

I think it's shallow for a poem but then again I'm only one person.Don't give up.
I do see good lyrics to a song in your text.
For a poem it's too mediocre for my taste.

Answer 8

i like it, even nevertheless it does have some vulnerable pionts. no longer something is sensible! attempt to develop and use a much broader vocabulary, like in line with possibility: My life is no longer a similar I even have lost greater advantageous than i had your love is responsible you have stripped all faraway from me no longer something can carry your love back different than you, you who left me contained in the chilly, without one, no one, you left me chanting, i such as you, i such as you

Answer 9

Very nice, I liked the last two lines very much.

Answer 10

I also write poems, and I think yours is really good. Nice flow and rhythm.