Unhappy in Limbo...?

Question

During the first year of our 6 year marriage, we lost our first child. We have a new baby. In April, my husband said he didn't think he could handle the responsibility of a child. He is negative and nasty to me for the past few years, off and on. I was holding my own, but now I've started seeing another man, I got weak and failed. I feel horrible about what I've done, but it is what it is. I'm tired of being miserable, and afraid my child will grow up in a miserable household. My husband wants us to go to counseling, returns from a business trip in a few weeks. He's been gone since Feb. He says he has pushed me away because he is afraid of losing me, like I might die because our child died. I am resentful, and don't think he will change. He only started doing this when I told him I was leaving and starting my master's degree. He desires counseling. I do not plan to leave my husband for this other guy. I'd like NOT to be divorced, but I am so emotionally tired. Any advice?

Answer 1

The lost of a child is devastating, and I can't begin to understand your pain. I am not going to tell you that I do, and I am not going to down you because you are having an affair. I haven't walked in your shoes. Honey, right when you and your husband should be holding on to each other-it seems that you went your seperate ways. In your statement you never used the word love...Do you love your husband? Can you forgive for not being there for you when you need him the most. I would go to counseling, but first I would break up with the lover. You aren't being fair to either man. Your husband no matter what he has done deserves to be cheated on, you leave a relationship before you start seeing someone else. Your husband admits his faults, can you? He did not handle his grief well, and turned away. Are you going to be able to see his side, and realize he didn't realize what he was doing till it was too late. Can you forgive him? If you can't, then it's time to leave. I know you are exhausted, mentally and physically, and you got a lot of hard questions to answer. If you don't confront this issues now, it's just going to get worse. Even if you do decide to leave, I would still see a counsler, because you have been through some major life changes, and you could really benefit by having someone who you can tell anything and everything to. Your husband only started trying to make it up to you when you told him you were leaving, that was he's wake up call! Now, how are you going to answer him. You have to be happy to raise that new baby to be healthy and happy too. If this marriage is over, call it quits....you can be happy again...I am going to stay with your husband and I am not going to tell you to leave, because that is something only you can decide. It's not going to be easy either way, but ultimately which looks better. Can you honestly say you are ready to give up? If so, then make the move...so you can find someone you can trust and feel good with...and that way your husband can find someone who makes him happy too. Don't let him think he has a chance when he doesn't, it's not fair to either one of you. You won't be the first couple to go through this, and unfortuantely you won't be the last. But there's right ways and wrongs ways to go about things, and I just don't want to see you get hurt anymore than you all ready are. You have had to deal with yourself child's death by yourself, and the man you counted one to always to be there, was AWOL. He ran, that would be a hard one to forgive, but can you? Do you trust him not to run again, if life gives you another crushing blow? If not move on, make yourself a new life with your baby, and don't feel bad, you can only handle so much! And you have had to deal with way more than most people, it breaks my heart to just read what you wrote-much less live it. Please make those hard decisions, and do what is right for you! Praying that you can find some peace and rest.....
God bless us all...........

Answer 2

Go ahead with the counseling. You will have time to explain all of this to the counselor. You have been through a lot, and need to have someone who can help you and the husband see the areas of conflict in your marriage. They will also teach you skills to deal with the problems in your marriage.

You really have nothing to lose. Even if you end up leaving him, you will need to know what went wrong in the relationship before you can ever have another serious relationship.

Answer 3

If you don't want to get divorced I suggest you go with the counselling to get some professional help in deciding if your relationship can be repaired. If you don't then your child will surely grow up in a miserable environnment. You only have two choices, fix it or divorce it, since you said you don't want a divorce that only leaves one choice. Don't make it harder than it is, thats really what it boils down to. Good luck!

Answer 4

If he wants to go to counseling then, absolutely, go for it. You obviously still love him and neither of you wants your marriage to end. Anyone can change if they really want to and it sounds like he WANTS to change. You said you are resentful and that will only build as time goes on. If you really want to save your marriage give counseling a try. I certainly understand about being emotionally drained but if you're not ready to give up on your marriage don't give up on him either.

Answer 5

Take him up on the counseling idea. It might help save your marriage. At the very worst, it will confirm your reasons for leaving and you won't be wondering if you did the right thing.

Good luck to you

Answer 6

You started seeing another man? Your husband still has you around?

He needs to be tied too a tree and reminded.

Geeezzzzzzzzzzzz

You proved you are a loser. You have every capability of doing the same thing over again.

If your husband is dumb enough to keep you, consider yourself lucky.

Masters degree? in what? This could be comical.