How do you decide...?

Question

I'm in a serious relationship with this boy and I think that he wants to marry me. He didn't ask yet but I feel that it's coming. The idea freaks me out though because I still get feelings for other guys when I'm around them. I'm 26 and I feel that marrying him would be the right thing to do and that he woud probably make me happy but it's still hard for me to decide. I just feel like I'll have to give up my life, my dreams and my freedom once I get married. What do you think? What's your experience in this field?

Answer 1

See, here's the thing -- you are NEVER going to stop seeing other cute guys, and most likely you'll have feelings for them, at least some of them some of the time.

The trick to a successful marriage is that you have to understand that those feelings don't mean anything, except that you're not dead yet.

Feeling attraction to someone isn't something you can be responsible for. ACTING on those feelings, or not, is what you HAVE to be responsible for.

So if you wait to stop having feelings when a cute guy walks past and smiles at you, you will never get married because you'll have those feelings as long as your eyes work well enough to see a guy when he walks past.

Then how can you be successful in a committed relationship? By choosing it, every day -- by deciding what it is that you and your husband get out of being committed to each other, and then living into that partnership. The two of you have the opportunity to declare what you are committed to, and then sexual fidelity becomes a tool to achieve that in your life, rather than an obligation you're burdened with.

Does this make sense? It's a fairly advanced conversation, but there's a LOT of power in it.

...Now, as for giving up your life, your dreams and your freedom once you get married... Do you work out? Did you go to college? Do you pay rent on time every month? Do you get up every morning and go to work?

Why? Why go to the gym instead of sleeping in? Isn't that giving up your freedom? Well, you go to the gym because it tones your muscles, it's good for your cardiovascular health, and for lots of other reasons. Why go to college, instead of having the freedom to slack off for four years (or six or eight)? Well, because you get something out of education, and not just a better job. Why pay your rent (or mortgage) on time? Well, because it's really nice to have a place of your own, and if it's a mortgage, because it's an investment for the future. And mainly, why do you get up every morning and go to work? Well, because it's great to be able to pay the rent, buy nice clothes, go to the movies when I want, and otherwise have the freedom to...

Oh.

Get it? So in otherwords, you have the FREEDOM to stay home from the gym, but you'll get flabby and out of shape (ask me how I know :-). You have the FREEDOM to skip college, but you'll spend the rest of your life asking people if they want to supersize their order. You have the FREEDOM to not pay the rent, but one day soon you'll find your clothes on the sidewalk and a padlock on your door.

So why do you do these things? Because they give you a life that would not be possible if you didn't. Not because you have to -- but because you CHOOSE to.

Now... can you consider the possibilities of a relationship in which your commitment to one man gives you a life that you wouldn't otherwise have? Are there, perhaps, dreams that you could pursue with him that you can't alone, or with a series of other guys? Is this something that you can CHOOSE, in freedom, and out of your own decision to make a life you love?

And if you can't do that with this guy, that's another story.

But if you can't do this for yourself, no guy will be able to do it for you.

Answer 2

If that's the way you're feeling, you'd only be getting married because "he's a good guy that will take care of me". If that's the way you feel, while your guy is sweating to provide for you, you'll be hopping in and out of beds faster than a Mexican Jumping Bean.

You're not ready to get married until you know you can commit yourself to that one guy...if he hasn't knocked your socks off enough for that to happen, he's not it. There are much worse things than being 26 and not married....like being 35, married, and an adulteress.

Answer 3

You're definitely not ready to settle down. If you have feelings for other guys, you won't stay faithful to him. You sound like you still want to go out and have fun, and you can't really do that when you get married (not that you can't have fun when you get married, but you can't go out to the club and pick up guys). Tell your guy how you feel so the two of you can sort out your feelings before you take the plunge.