Infidelity...it happens do you address the why or just try to move on?

Question

OK, majority says there is NO reason for an affair so if it happens do you address the issue that may have led up to it, such as spouse not handling a co-worker's continuous advances the way you ask (just to make you feel secure, or maybe the lack of romance, or the feeling of never feeling good enough for your spouse, mistrust because of the betrayal, outside people constantly trying to break your family apart AT ALL COSTS. I say all these things because they are some issues that have been affecting my marriage but llike everyone says they are not a reason to stray. So what do you do when you want to make the relationship work after all of this has happened? Help only serious answers please. I am at a loss and need just some opinions to help me sort things out. Feel free to check my other questions for other info.

Just incase anyone is wondering I reposted the question because when I originally posted it at 3am this morning, I didn't get many responses. Sleepless nights are common these days :(

I agree that if the bond is strong, outside people trying to ruin it don't come into play, but I believe that these people are praying on the weakness in our relationship and when things aren't good, these people can do serious damage to an already volitale situation.

Answer 1

There are no EXCUSES for infidelity. But, there are REASONS that people choose to cheat. Usually, some need, emotional or sexual, is not being met within the marriage so they look outside the marriage.

It is important to examine the reasons for cheating so that you can decide if you can fix it or get past it. It is nearly certain that you will need a marriage counselor to help you work through these things with your spouse.

Check the articles linked below. They helped me.

Answer 2

First, there is a lot of the NO excuse crowd here. It is way to easy to tell someone to be angry and dump him. They have no real emotional investment or interest. I'm also of the opinion that they have not had to deal with the issue in their own marriage so their opinion is not tempered by life experience. Your marriage can recover from infidelity but its not quick or easy. If it does you will be stronger. It takes a new commitment with new rules. As the victim of infidelity the big question is always WHY? In a lot of instances it catches you unaware because the spouse never communicated a problem that would cause it. If there is any way to get over it in your mind ( assuming you are the victim) it is that he must give you an honest reason. The" I made a mistake" story is not acceptable. There was a reason for him to jeaprodise your marriage. The only way you will know that it is not going to happen again is if he understands what truly caused it in the first place. It may be as simple as his insecurity. Dr. Joy Browne often describes the three questions which must be answered before you can move on which are, Why did it happen, How will it never happen again and What happens if it does happen again?
It seems sensible to get it out now so you can recognise the symptoms. Even more important that he recognise the symptoms and already knows the consequences. People are not infalible. We all make mistakes of judgement . This is an area where second chances might be in order. You can get over it but it takes a long time. This is possibly the most painful thing he could do to you. If you chose to stay, he needs to let you know what happened.
I for one am glad I was not of the "dump the *****" belief. That would have meant a 5 year marriage not 30+ and no sons of which I am very proud.

Answer 3

You need to address the issues that brought you to the affair. Unless of course by moving on, you mean moving on alone. The affair is just a result of the issues that came before. IF I'm understanding the situation correctly from reading your other questions, there was never really any infidelity.(I could have missed something). You were honest and open about it, you as a couple made a choice to do your own thing for awhile. And then he didn't like that idea anymore, but you were honest about it. I'm not saying you made the right choice, you didn't. You should never bring someone else into an already disstressed situation. Its not fair to anyone. (not bashing or judging just giving my opinion). I agree with the other person who said the outside people trying to break up your marriage are secondary. Even if they are trying to take advantage of an already volatile situation, you both still have the choice and responsibility to not act on it.

Communication is the key to any relationship and you are not communicating. Perhaps an unbiased 3rd party (therapist) WOULD be your best bet.

You asked how to make the relationship work after all of this....start over. It will be difficult and the effort HAS to come from both sides. But it can be done. Communicate your needs and desires about what you want from this relationship from here on out. Work together to achieve those goals. Make a plan. I know it sounds silly, but write it down. Troubleshoot. And above all be completely honest with yourself and your spouse about what you expect and need from this marriage and expect that he give you the same courtesy. You may find that what the two of you want are not the same thing. There may be a way to compromise so you can both get what you want, there may not. Only time can tell.

Answer 4

You do have to move on, however you have to place stricter boundaries. The trust issue is always there. The fact that someone else trying to penetrate your marriage sanctuary is immaterial. The true question is that your marriage is a bond between two people, where there is trust, honesty and integrity. No one can penetrate, if the two parties are strong. Move on, by spending more quality time, with you as a couple and as a family. That is the only way to heal. Give him the three strikes and you're out rule. Consider this STRIKE ONE.

Answer 5

All I know is that I had an ex that cheated. I didn't care why he did it, I wasn't interested in his excuses. All I know is that he lost his damn mind if he thought I was going to stick with a cheater and want to work things out. He broke that trust and proved he wasn't the trust worthy type. He found out real quick what I would and would not tolerate thus becoming the ex. Life goes on.

Answer 6

My hubby has cheated on me twice. I have forgiven and moved on, but not before I got all the information an the other women. I know their names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, everything. I have let them know that I know about them and if it happens again I can and will sue them for more than they are worth. Find out if you state has a loss of affection law. Mine does.

Answer 7

yes, outside people can break you up if there asre already problems. When my ex and I were in the same prediciment, his family told him to leave for a while, for some space...and that it would help him sort out his feelings....ect...that Im a brat....bi$#@ and that he shouldnt be with me....blah blah blah...and he ended up straying for two months...without my notice. But...

Answer 8

You move on, unless you can deal with the fact and live with it.You can forgive in some case but you will never forget.and 9 out of 10 it will happen again.each person decides their own choice,

Answer 9

1

Answer 10

Move on