Unable to support my family - living in fathers house with family?

Question

I moved to pa with my family into my fathers house, we did not buy it, just moved in with him with my 2 daughters. He owns the house, and has willed it to us when he passes, he is 80. He is remodleing the basement so we have decent living quarters and helps us out financailly all the time. My wife then basically takes care of him, his meds and the kids during the day while i work. Problem is, my wife. She thinks she runs the show on everything, blaming every thing on me finacially becuase i pay child support. I try to make her happy, but she does not know how to save, or raise our kids right. I dont want to loose my family again, i could not do it again.... Am I the failure, what should i do

Answer 1

You are not a failure! It sounds like you are very stressed out. Have you considered the idea of getting some marriage counseling? Look around your community and see if you can find someone who will see you on a sliding scale, or check with your community mental health office. Also, if you are religious you could make an appointment with your clergyman [woman].

If your Dad was living alone at 80, it might be a blessing in disguise for you all to be there and taking care of him. Providing you are not draining his resources to the point it is affecting his comfort of living.

You are in a tough spot right now, but it sounds like you care and want to make things work. The first step you need to make is to talk to your wife by herself, when your father and the kids are not around to distract you; even if you have to find a teenager in the neighbor hood to watch the kids for a couple of hours and take her out for a pizza. When you get her alone tell her how concerned you are about things in your marriage and how much you want the marriage to work. Then make a game plan together as to how you will make this happen.

Good luck to all of you.

P.S. Get in touch with the Commission on Aging in your local area there are many things they can do to assit with caring for an elderly relative.

Answer 2

I can't help but feel your pain right now. I have a friend in the same boat. It's a fine line you walk between doing what is right and doing what you need to do to please the Mrs.! First, I want to commend you for taking care of your prior child support obligation, not many people continue to do that when they fall on hard times. Second, I want to tell you that your current wife desperately needs a job, or school, or an "out" of some kind. The reason she's taken control of everything at home is because she honestly has nothing else. She's unhappy. When people aren't happy with themselves, they find anyone and everyone else to blame. Lucky for you, you are her immediate target. I'm sorry, but it's pretty typical. I know your father may need her care, but if he doesn't need 24 hr care, send your wife out to get a part time job, or take a few classes. Even socializing with other adults her own age will shed some light on some of her issues and have her think twice about how she's reacting to her situation. It may be complicated with children and child care, but work opposite shifts. That way she can get a taste of real life and you can assume some of the responsibility at home. I guess what am I trying to say is that you need to even the playing field a little. When you have two people contributing to the relationship on an equal basis, it'll be harder for her to place all the blame on you. And as an added bonus, if she's working, she's not spending, which means more savings! Hang in there, honey, it usually gets worse before it gets better. Just remember....it does get better if you want it to.

Answer 3

Well, doesn't sound that bad. In the old days the oldest son stayed at the family home took care of the old folks and in return inherit the family home. If your dad is 80 he needs you and your family there to help him. So I don't see a problem with that part of the arrangement.

Child support is a big drain on the family income. And second wives are never too happy about that. But it also doesn't last forever.

Your wife is running the show. She is taking care of the kids, your dad and the home. She's not going to like it but you're going to have to get on a budget that you work out together. Its not your money or her money you're earning its the families money.

That radio talk show guy, gives out financial advise his name escapes me. Maybe another answer will come up with it. Recommends living within your means and getting rid of any debt you have. Nothing you can do about the child support you've got to pay that and should.

You've got a managable situation, need to keep it that way. You've got a wife, kids, a dad, a job, and a roof over your head. Need to just hang in there and make it work if there is anyway possible. You and your wife need to be partners, and you had the child support when she married you, so she can resent it but she didn't have a problem with it when you got married.

Good luck, and hang in there. Don't give up on your family they depend on you and you need them.

Answer 4

No your not a failure, but it is hard not having your own place.. and with her taking care of your dad, which is a fair trade off for him helping out so much financially , she feels overwhelmed its hard not having a place of your own, u can never truely feel comfortable when u have extended family living under the same roof.. Now the fact that u pay child support, dont u dare let her make u feel bad about that, ur more of a man for paying then not, those kids need ur help financially just as much as the 2 daughters u have with u.. if u couldnt afford the first child/children then u had no business having 2 more with ur current wife, but its not the previous childs fault, So u ARE doing right by that child and dont u ever let ur wife make u feel guilty for that.. how would she feel if the tables were turned and u werent helping her financially with the children u two have??? she'd want to kill you. so SHE is the one being very selfish not u.. Are u doing the best u possibly can??? Is there anything More you could do???? if no, then thats all anyone can ever ask of you. You need to get control back of your life with ur wife.. its not fair to u , for it to be so far off kilter . And i know how ur feeling, u feel like ur whole life is spinning out of control, u feel like ur pushed to the limits and shes not helping u much by adding to the stress of it all.. Its time to have a serious talk with your wife, try to compromise with her, and if she is to head strung, for that, then u BE THE MAN.. being the man means always doing what is right reguardles of how anyone feels..and if u think your doing whats right, but u need to regain some self confidence back, and some control.. and if she leaves (which i dont think she will) its her loss, as long as your a dutiful husband, doing what u think is right and trying ur hardest in all aspects.. then she cant ask for more then that.. so its time to put your foot down and pray for the best..

Answer 5

okay your father is what 80 years old swinging a hammerr remodelling a house, h, must be in fairly damn goood health for being 80 years old and doing the gruelling labor of rem,odelling a house okayy, so this makes you what in your 40s?/ and hes 80 years old and you accept money from him okay, buy that one too i guess.okay your wife takes care of him crams his medicinr downe him and hes 80 and stiil swings a hamerr okay. and why is your wife having a field day with you paying child support, and if your dad in his 80s and that makes you in your 40s why are you stil paying child support here arent they way over i8 if you are in your 40s, okay buy that one to i guess t, strange. okay if your curent wive cant save anything then why is your dad handing you wads ful of cash?? and not raising your kids okay yo have two daughters how old are they if your in your 40s that woould make them in there 20s, why arent they out on there own here?? and why are you paying chil support if your daughters are in there 20s here?? and why did you lose your family in the first place?? toomany holes here likeswiss chesse here, the ages stuff just dont ad up nobody pays child support tootwo grown daughters in there 20s, okay, as far, as your wife goes, why isent she working, are you working? i wouldent take money from a 80 year old mann etc, and if hes on medicine, what in the hell is a 80 year old man doing remodelling a house?? and having 4 otherrs there, sounds like a very very huge finically burdenn on him, etc, why arent you helping him here do the remoelling here?? you sound like a failure, in a way but your story just dont ad up the ages, etc---

Answer 6

You my friend are overwhelmed.The thing about life today is that it is nearly impossible to live comfortably with 1 income.She needs to get over the child support,she new that you had kids before you had some together.I'm thinking that she can apply for assistance from the government to take care of your dad.Check with the social security office.she can claim she cant work because she has to take care of your elderly dad.You are not a failure,you have a lot on your plate.She is probably grumpy to you because she is home with kids and 1 grown up to take care of. You both carry heavy burdens.Take a deep breath and pray.Only God can help you.You are 1 man and you need Gods help.

Answer 7

Ask her if she really loves you. Familys pull together in the tough times. Your Father was generous with u. That is the lease that she or you can do is help him out. Did she know about your kids when u got married? Then why is complaining? At least you pay your child support. There is alot that dont. That speaks highly to me about you. Have faith you will find something soon.

Answer 8

Please keep in mind that this is not only hard for you but her as well. She is frusterated that her husbands money goes to another family and hers is suffering. I do agree with the last comment too you are a good man for paying child support!

How do you know shes not raising the kids "right" what is right???

Find out what she wants out of life, what are her goals, aspirations.........she may be pissed cuz shes taking care of your dad and dosent want to but knows she has to. We women are weird creatures!! and I agree w/the person who said in Gods time it happens!!! Only in his time!!

Try and talk, dont just tryand make her happy by doing what you theink will make her happy, are you sure those things are things she likes??

Answer 9

your wife need to learn to deal with reality in stead of her own needs and that is all she is thinking about is the needs of her family and she doesn't realize the other commitment you have to your former family it just like paying in other bill they need to get paid but she doesn't under stand this part of reality she has a one track mind and that your family and how your family are living and she doesn't like it at all and she is taking it out on you
she not happy and she is stress out.and just like you said she doesn't know how to saved money or know how to raise kids.you have a very serious problem.in less you can teach your wife or set her up on a budget and keep her on it and dont give her a Penney more that the only way she is going to learn not to spend foolishly

Answer 10

it sounds like your wife needs a reality check most families in order to survive at this time need two full time jobs to be able to support the family. she needs to realize that you have financial obligations to your other children ( i applaud you for paying the child support most men dont take care of their responsibilities) and she needs to start living within her means. or she needs to get herself a job to help out instead of blaming you for taking care of the family as best as you can.

I personally believe with what you have put in your question that you are not a failure, i think that she might be but i dont believe you are.