when is divorce the right thing?

Question

i have been married for 18 years. we have had ups and downs. we have separated before about 5 times the shortest 1 week the longrst 2 months. our two kid are 16 and 19. our relationship is like a room mate. we both do not initiat sex. all i hear is that she is not happy and that it is my fault. if i am not making here happy and i dont want to change the person i am. is it time to go our own way. i stay away from other women because i do not want a women to be an excuse. i know things will be pain full but i do not want to hurt her

Answer 1

this is no place for u to ask this question... 1) you both need to make sure that its time to move on...you both made two beautiful children but thyre not young anymore, they dont have time to hear their parents fight, this is a time in their life were they are growing up and they need both of you in their lives. i dont think you should stay in a marriage if youre unhappy because neither one of you deserves it! you only get one chance to live. but then again if you think you still have a chance for it wo work out then i recommend you both see a marriage counselor.
good luck!

Answer 2

Are you at least friends? I mean, do you watch TV together? Talk? Are you a couple, just no spark, no sex?Or, are you just civil? Not the same thing. If you two are cold, and snipe at each other, you're not doing the 16 year old any favor. An 18 year marriage deserves a lot of real effort to fix. You say you don't want to change as a person ( Just a sidebar I'm 57, and the 23 year old me would be amazed at me as an old fart) you will change. What does she want to change? So, ya quit howling at the moon. This is your marriage. There has to be a reason you got married, and didn't notice for years and years you don't love each other. THINK. And then, work on your marriage, or divorce.

Answer 3

Its probably more painful to stay in your relationship with things the way they are. There is no need to stay in an unhappy marriage as you two are doing more harm than good to the kids. The divorce actually happened some time ago but all you have to do is make it legal and move on now. It really doesnt matter whose fault it is or if there is someone to blame, sometimes this just happens. Couples fall out of love all the time for no known reason and the courts dont care why. Courts grant divorces not blamed on reasons but upon the wish that both parties cannot live together anymore. Sit down with her and discuss this out before going to court as the judges love it and its a whole lot cheaper. I dont think youre going to surprise her with anything she doesnt already expect coming, but please just be civil and depart as friends whose marriage just didnt work out and leave it at that. Sorry about your marriage and good luck to both of you

Answer 4

.The kids are old enough why continue the lost relationship. If she were interested in reviving things there would be more action making up than the old standoff lines. Let her know the time has come to smell the roses and either work together to make it better or pack it in. There is life after marriage and perhaps a better romance. At least the torment will end and both of you can get on with a life. No good is coming from dragging things out. If she is in denial about things let her figure it out as she sits alone wondering if she was wrong. She is wrong and too stubborn to admit it. Get out and let the kids learn how good it can be when there is not a chess game going on between you and the old lady.

Answer 5

You say you don't want to change the person you are, and I understand that, but think about it, is she worth it? Most people when things start going downhill try to work towards helping the relationship. Its a marriage. I may be really young but I'm still really against divorce (I'm trying not to be biased about it.).
Just think about it. You guys have been separated before. Were the issues corrected or do they remain? If they remain and are just as bad, I'd say then divorce is probably likely. If they're gone, that shows you, other things can be corrected too.

You say you know its painful but you don't want to hurt her. You are aware divorce is painful in general. If she walked out of it not hurt, then she's one of the toughest people I've ever heard of.

Just try a little bit. A little effort goes a long way. Besides, 18 years is a really long time. Just keep reminding yourself what she's worth to you, that sort of thing and try to remedy the flaws.

But if you're absolutely unhappy and she's absolutely unhappy, I would go ahead and go through wth it.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

If she is as miserable as she claims then this should be a good thing.You will no longer be the reason she hates her life. My advice is leave her and when she is crying about how she wants you back you can tell her to that she will have to take responsibility for her own happiness and misery. Your kids are not babies and will be OK. When its all said and done and you are old and time is short do you really want to look back on all those years you stayed because you didn't want to be the reason she is miserable. She is the reason she is miserable not you. Move out start dating and have a life worth living. I have a blamer too. Guilt is a very effective tool to control someone don't let it control you. Good luck

Answer 7

Sounds like you should have gotten divorced years ago. If both of you don't want to work on the marriage...then get out! Why do you want to be in relationship with no satisfaction? Seems like you both or too scared to let go but are living miserably You could have years of happiness with someone else...Just takes some time to start over.

Answer 8

Oh my friend, I so know where you are coming from.
I had a child with a women. Now I'm happily married to another women.
I stayed with my first wife for my child, big mistake....
I took both of them back many times.
Just remember this.. nice guys finish last!
There are many women out there that will be the answer to
your dreams. Don't wast time on those that don't.
Your children will always be there, and will understand.
True love is that which does'nt ask such questions.

Answer 9

Try going back to that special place that you two most enjoyed and have special memories of. Make her feel special tell her how beautiful she is. Give her kisses and hugs outside of the bedroom. Buy her some flowers treat her like you treated her in the beginning of the relationship. Write her a love letter. Tell her how you feel. If this doesn't work then talk to her telling her that you love her but your afraid things are not working out. Seek marriage councelling if she refuses then you can say to yourself that you did everything to make the marriage work and get out. You need to be happy too. Good Luck

Answer 10

We read about YOUR side, but what about what your wife has to say? After 18 years of marriage, you are just bored and at that age where you know that you are getting old, so you are trying to do so many things all at once. You want to feel young and adventurous again and are making excuses to feel as if you were the victim. If your wife says that she is not happy, then you are not revealing why she is saying that. Maybe she sees that husband that doesn't approach her to have intimacy. Maybe you are just boring in the bedroom. Poor lady! You said that you are not willing to change, so...yes...leave her alone...divorce her. She deserves to be happy again.

Answer 11

Your marriage sounds like it still can be solved in some way...
have you tried talking to her, asking her why has she been sad with you for so long now?
Marriage has foundations when these foundations are used it helps the marriage to survive. Honestly, your marriage problem isn't that complicated like third party relationships, family violence or something worse.
Try to:
- Communicate, talk things out...
- You mentioned something about not changing yourself, well maybe that's one thing you need to EVALUATE... maybe thats one factor why she is not happy.. maybe you can't change but instead try having some spice to yourself but still be the way you are.
- See a marriage counselor

I really don't like divorces thats why I am suggesting these. Even if your children are big now, there are still some emotional downside to them. It may affect their future relationships / marriage. Try it out and if maybe it just can't then its really up to you and your wife to decide on divorcing.