How do u deal with a mom who wants u to support her?

Question

I'm in school and am struggling. I have given my mom SO MUCH money over the years. She is taking care of my grandmother and they are struggling. At this point there is not much i can do, but she calls me cussing me out and taking her anger out on me because I cannot give. I am over my credit card limit and am behind in bills, but she says that's my problem. She recently had her car repo'd and said she was gonna take mine for awhile. I told her no and she went off on me talkin about how sorry she feels for me because I turned family away. She makes me feel like i'm not sh**. Am I wrong for not giving her my car? (oh and I live three hours away from her, she doesn't have a license and my car is not in the best condition right now.) And should I feel bad for not being able to help?

Answer 1

Ok, My answer is sorta two part:

1. Children should take care of their parents IF THEY CAN afford to. After all, they've taken care of you and they're your parents!

2. In your case though, what you described doesn't sound good at all. According to your post you are unable to afford to. Your trying to finish school so you can get on with a career I suspect. Your over-stretched. So you can't afford to.

Also, you say in your question that she calls you up cussing and swaring at you... and that she said she was going to take your car from you.

If it's as bad you say, she's taking too much advantage of you. Your her child and it doesn't sound like she's trying to do what's best for you as a parent. She sounds in a very bad way, and she's probably desperate.

However, take it from me. I got myself into some major trouble with bills trying to help my father out of his. This sounds like a sitation where you would have to get yourself into a great ammount of debt in order to help your mother get a little bit out of hers.

It's not worth it. Your the next generation. You don't want to be going through your life with debt over your head because you tried to help your mother out of her debt issues. All that does is stifile your ability to ever get on your own two feet.

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Ok, this is going to sound harsh, but in your case I say RUN!

Seriously!

Move away. Move to another city where you can go to school and transfer your credit. Get out on your own... wayyyyy OUT. Your living too close. (Like I did with my father.)

I believe by your post you love your mother, or you wouldn't even be questioning what to do. In your heart you want to help her. Cause.. well, after all she is your mother.

However, you need to cut and run. Call her from time to time. Let her complain to you and cuss you out on the phone or whatever. Tell her you love her, but you unable to help (if your unable to help that is). You have to look to your own, or you'll end up in a bad way... desperate for your kids to send YOU money.

It sounds Harsh, but she's got to deal with them bills and things herself. Not because you need to be mean and say, "Screw you mom.".. no, not because of that! But because YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO... she has no other choice.

Get out man, get gone. Love your mother dearly, just don't take on her debt and problems. Get on your own feet first! Help when your level and able to help!

It sounds terrible, but there are options out there for your mother. They may not be the best of options, but there are options.

Your mother raised you, and for that you owe it to her to become an adult. You owe it to her to get on your own two feet. And she as a parent owes it to you to allow you to do that. She should have taught you what you need to be able to survive and make it on your own.

Life sux sometimes. Your mother shouldn't pull her progeny down with her. That ain't loving, that's selfish.

Get out, and good luck!

Answer 2

You absolutely DO NOT let anyone use your car if they don't have a license! good grief, what is that woman thinking?

Of course you feel bad about not being able to help, but the key phrase there is "not being able". You CAN'T help her. It's too bad, but there it is.

You say she says if you are over your credit card limit and behind in bills, that is your problem. Yes, it is indeed your problem. And it's a problem you have to take care of before you can help her.

So basically, it's sad that your mother and grandmother are in such a state, but you are really not the person they should be looking to. You can offer a listening ear (but not if she's ranting at you), sympathy and love, and maybe advice, but you can't support them. Not yet, anyway. Maybe when you graduate and start making money and getting out of debt. But not now. You can't give them something you don't have!

It all sounds like a terrible situation for all involved and your poor mother is venting all her frustrations on you, who don't deserve it, and your poor grandmother must be miserable if she perceives herself as the cause of all the yelling and anger.

Now, who else can help them? Any friends, family members? Her church? Social services? Is there anything they can sell, bonds they can cash in? Can your mother get a job?

There is a solution out there, but your mother has to accept that the solution is not YOU.

Answer 3

You shouldn't feel a bit bad. You are grown and have a life of your own. Parents like to use the old guilt trip, saying "I made all these sacrifices and did so much for you and this is how you repay me?" and all that business, which is so unfair, because you didn't ask to be brought into the world- it was their choice and they gave birth to you and raised you because they wanted to- it wasn't a choice, it was an obligation. It's one thing to lend a helping hand every now and then, but it's not your place to fully support someone who is thoroughly capable of supporting themselves. If she was an invalid, and couldn't work, that would be another story, but if she's able, she should support herself and solve her own problems without interfering with your right to be independent and live your own life. Don't feel bad at all- you're not the one who's wrong here.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like you've tried helping her out but not only does she not seem a least bit grateful she is taking advantage of you. You cant give her money you dont have and thats not something you should feel bad about. As far as the car goes, she doesnt have a license so you should definatly not loan it to her. (If she were to get in an accident and the insurance company found out you knowing loaned your veh to someone w/o a license they dont have to pay the claim and you would be responsible for it). I know its hard cuz she is your mother but there are times when you have to stand up for yourself and this is one of them. You dont deserve to be treated that way by anyone no matter who they are.

Answer 5

Change your phone number and move. Moms are not suppose to be leeches. It's not your fault she isn't in a stable living situation besides your her child. Don't succumb to her guilt trip. Just give her the number to social services and move on with your life. If she can't get help then you really must move on with out her. Sorry to hear such a situation exists. I feel for you and your situation. People have to test for a drivers license but any selfish dushbag can have a baby.

Answer 6

Your mother is wacky but you can't ignore your own mother. Help her to help herself instead of just giving into her demands right away or just ignoring her. If your mother wants a car, tell her to get a license first and then go out and shop for a used car together and you can tell her you will pay just a little of the cost to help her out but she has to pay the rest. If all else fails move away very quietly so your mother doesn't know : )

Answer 7

NO you shouldn't feal bad for not being able to help, you always have to get your slef better and fit before you can help others its how your supposed to deal....if your mom makes your feal bad because she says your not doing enough....mabe she isn't doing enough for her self, apperently she doesn't know how to deal w/her own issues if she is taking her anger out on you, She is the older one to begin with and she needs to take her own adice and get her feet back on the ground w/o your help cuz you need to do it first... But my advice is deal w/yourself first (i know it sounds selfish but it works), and tell your mom that she is making you feal bad and that you cant help her because you have to take care of your own self first...and if she needs help that bad have her look in to a link card or something provided by the government if she isn't getting enough income to support her self

Answer 8

You are not wrong. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. Get your education and think about yourself now. You will be struggling like your mother later on if you don't!

Answer 9

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Answer 10

you should talk to her and maybe see if she can find a way to make some money and then you can see if hat will help her but if she was a good mom and did everything for you than you should help her out you kno i would do anything for my dad i mean i would give my life!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 11

well frist of all you tell your mom that you did not ask to be here so you really don't owe her nothing , but if you have a good job nothing is wrong with giving her something now and again