Sometimes I feel like im floating..
Just in a random place
No idea where im going
Im just afraid…
…im just afraid (in a whisper)
im just afraid
..that my weaknesses showing
please don’t, please don’t
take advantage of me
I know, sadly I know
Im naïve and I, don’t know anything.
The clouds are clearing…
And my fears are just nearing.
sucky rhymes and heartbroken times…
a dictionary full of the same vocabulary.
Don’t look at me twice
Follow the crowd
And don’t be nice
Cause im not like you,
And not afraid to scream it aloud
I like music not sports
I wear ripped jeans not skirts
I wear eyeliner not **** that hurts
thanks for al the answers- very appreciated!
2006-08-11 10:47:46 · 16 answers · asked by me 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
The more concrete and specific, the better. The last stanza comes close to that. While many amature poets speak in the abstract, it is the specific details which bring a message home. Use touch, sight, smell, taste and sound as often as you can. A specific music and a specific sport would be better.
A powerful poem shows without telling. This poem, while having true potential tells with too little showing.
An excellent effort though. Your willingness to take criticism is a sign of great maturity and room for growth.
2006-08-11 10:57:04 · answer #1 · answered by Rosasharn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with hott_mandi.
The part below does not seem to fit or I'm missing something.
sucky rhymes and heartbroken times…
a dictionary full of the same vocabulary.
I would also take the "aloud" off the 4th line from the last.
I would change to this in the second part. To me it sounds more hesitant.
please...
don’t...
take advantage of me.
I know, sadly I know
Im naïve and I, don’t know anything
I like the poem.
2006-08-11 11:14:19 · answer #2 · answered by playing 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Umm I don't think it's all that clear. What exactly are you writing about? You start out saying you're lost, then you're afraid, then you mention somebody, then you tell me your likes and dislikes, and it's just over without anything. I don't know, maybe you should try adding a better ending or something?
2006-08-11 10:57:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't like this stanza: The clouds are clearing…
And my fears are just nearing.
sucky rhymes and heartbroken times…
a dictionary full of the same vocabulary.
it just doesn't fit, but i Love the first one, try to find something in place of the 3rd one or delete it, but its really good besides that in my opinion, keep writing.
2006-08-11 10:52:56 · answer #4 · answered by hott_mandi42 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's surprising. i'm not usually somebody that likes to ascertain poetry, and that i'm truthfully terrible at writing poetry. regardless of if, that's super. Very theory-frightening. notice: You spelled stability incorrectly. i'm confident it replaced into in basic terms a mistake. you need to evaluate sending this on your close by paper or someplace. it rather is large. i'm somewhat surprised to be sure somebody replaced into able to place into words what such a lot of folk question.
2016-10-01 23:13:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It lacked flow. It rhymed sometimes, not others, very inconsistent. And yet after reading it, I sense the depth of your insecurities, which was refreshingly honest of you to admit.
2006-08-11 10:52:52 · answer #6 · answered by Emm 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I liked it, but I would lose the (in a whisper)
2006-08-11 13:42:21 · answer #7 · answered by Bullchit 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I apprecaite you sharing i too am a poet.... I liked it, keep up the good work. it was amusing also.. keep going
2006-08-11 11:03:01 · answer #8 · answered by lucky1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your poem touched me,I wondered if your lonely or if you had been hurt, it good to write your feeling down,it was very good
2006-08-11 10:52:13 · answer #9 · answered by ? 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not bad. It isn't the kind of poetry that appeals to me, but it isn't bad.
2006-08-11 10:50:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋