mother in law problem need some advice?

Question

i'll go through this as quick as i can. been going on since we got engaged 5years ago. she planned our engagement party, planned half my wedding, slags off other family members, she has 4 girls from a previous marriage and puts them before her 3 sons (one of which is my hubby) if the girls arn't happy she takes their side. one slagged me off 2years ago behind my back in front of the rest of family and we were the ones made to feel like we had done something wrong she never appolagised. we were told unless we would talk to her we would not be welcome to my m-in-laws last xmas. so we didn't go. i dont c why i should talk 2someone who doesnt like me. in the end we agreed to be civil to keep peace. but still now we fall out if we dont do what my m-in-law wants. we have to have excuses not 2go somewhere and even then she moans. even if our kids r sick its not good enough. she moans cause we ask them to phone b4 they come round my house. is that not a polite thing to do rather than just

turning up. shes never happy. if the girls have a party and were not invited thats ok, but if we have 1 and dont invite the girls she refuses to come etc.

she says nasty things to me whenmy hubbys not there but she'll say them in a sly way so you know exactly what shes getting at but its not obvious so you cant say anything. has anyone got a m-in-law like this. please help!

my hubby knows what shes like and at least i can talk to him openly about it. but he trys to keep everyone happy for the kids sake. but they dont treat our kids with the same respect as the girls kids as they have been on hols for 2 out of the 4birthdays our son has had. please someone tell me they understand.

Answer 1

If you and your husband can live without contact with her do it, She'll make your life a misery otherwise. As long as she can control you she will. If you have no contact then you are in control and any contact is on your terms.

Answer 2

you've got a good idea of what she does, why and how. so that's power. your hubby isn't defending her and takes your side and you rise above it all to be civil..as i see it you win hands down. she's not going to give up her empire and she sees everyone as a threat. if you can see the sorrow and lonliness inside her and have pity you will release the irritation you feel. she must be so scared of you. she probably envies you too. just set the best example you can and think of her as a sad old lady, who can never feel happy or relaxed. she's really a naughty little girl inside who wants her own way. you don't mention her husband! perhaps men scare her too? she's very afraid all the time. that's exhausting. don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. she won'tchange and every time you get upset she wins. don't play the game, don't go there with her. i started a thing called EFT and the website has a brilliant podcast about how to let people do their thing without getting pulled into the drama. www.eft-talk.com it uses tapping on meridian point to take down the intensity of your feelings so you feel in control again. a bit wierd at first but it really works.

Answer 3

the very best way to deal with an awkward person any person is to say yes because half of their remarks are there to gee you up so if you just say yes to everything (apart from visiting) then they get very frustrated. when she is hiding snotty stabs at you just play dumb and keep asking her what she means you will find that this will push her into a corner and she will either have to spit out what she means or back off.....

as for the kids visiting STAND YOUR GROUND you are responsible for your babies and they learn their life experiences from you and your partner if they see you being visibly weak then they may also lose respect for you and you sound like a nice person trying to do the right thing. . . . but sometimes this isnt enough for some people you must make your boundries clear and stick by them. i bet every time you set a personal boundry(phone before you visit) she deliberetly breaks this and then shows off with you like your being unreasonable. . . . it is her trying to show you that she is in charge in your house and not you. try opening the door and saying: we are just going out . .sorry .! thats the sort of thing that will be subtle enough to show her that your the boss not her. the kind of person you have described usually has a tendency towards control freak especially with their own children (and partners) this is because when their kids were small anything they said was the law! and they dont seem to grasp the fact that their children have grown up and can run their own lives. unfortunately this seems to be dominent in aggressive mothers, thats why the daughters display it (life learned from parents again) and because the sons grow up with this they usually cannot see it. . . . its considered normal to them...... good luck with this........ and i hope i havent rambled on too long

Answer 4

Oh, darling you have a very controlling mother-n-law and that spells TROUBLE. The only that can get this matter under control is your husband because this is his mother. He will have to lay down some ground roles for mother dearest and stick by them no matter what. It might mean not being inviting to family functions but that might be something you will have to go through if you want to keep peace between you two. Because eventually you are going to get fed up with mother dearest if you have already gotten fed up. So you and your husband need to talk and stick by each other no matter what the family says or thinks. Oh yeah you will have to talk to mother dearest together and then go from there. Good luck.

Answer 5

I understand perfectly cos i've been through just the same only my husband took her side. You-re lucky in that at least. I didn't find any answer to the problem except to ignore it entirely. I continued taking the kids to see her every sunday so they would have their extended family and after a couple of years or so managed to ignore everything she and her daughter were saying about me - all criticism i assure you. But ignoring it seemed to have it's effect cos they started getting bored with their game after about 10 years or so. In the meantime it had it's effect on me cos i stopped caring about it and just got on with my family life and forgot all about her between one sunday and the next. Only advice i can give i'm afraid. I hope you manage to stick through it for your marriage's sake. It's not worth splitting up for or even arguing over cos that's what she wants. Don't give her that satisfaction.

Answer 6

Why do u let your mom-in-law have such control over you and your family's life? Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband and agree on a way to handle the situation, and stick with it. You didn't marry your in-laws. Your husband should be man enough to draw a line and tell his mother that if she doesn't stop making your lives miserable, that HE won't have anything more to do with HER. I also detect a little jealousy between you and your sister-in-laws. Jealousy doesn't accomplish anything but make you unhappy. Concentrate on your family and their happiness. Evidently, your mother-in-law doesn't have much to do in her own life, so she has to meddle in others business. I feel sorry for her.

Answer 7

I think somebody else said this, but you need to sit down and talk to your hubby and agree a few ground rules. - Personaly i would just cut this woman out of your lives - it isn't worth the hassle or the heart ache - you can't do right for doing wrong - so don't even try. Your children don't seem to get anything from seeing her either, so it's not like you'll be depriving them of a loving grandparent. Last resort - emigrate!!!!

Answer 8

Stay away from her. If you and her don't get on just tell your husband to go and see her alone tell him you don't like the way she treats you and your kids so you would rather she didn't' she them or you, so if and when he wants to go and see her he will have to do it alone until she realises you are a human you deserve to be treated with some respect and your children deserve to be treated equally, My ex mother-in- law was like that so my ex said she wasn't going to see them until she treated my kids the same as the rest of her grand kids and it only took 3 visits from my ex alone for her to realise we meant it. She is great with them now even though we have split up.

Answer 9

She doesn't deserve to see either her grandkids, her son, or her daughter in law with the way she's behaving. The kids will soon get older and realise what's she's like. Talk to her and tell her that unless she changes her ways now, she won't be seeing any of you ever again. i think this really is the only way to deal with her and to make her realise that if she doesn't stop, then she'll lose all of you.

Answer 10

My problem wasn't my mother-in-law but the father in law in the end i blocked the man out of my life completely he accussed me of having an affair and all sorts of rubbish. The best thing is have no contact at all if she turns up moaning don't rise and argue with her, they hate it when they cannot get you to bite, your hubby obliously listerns to you which is good, My best advise is igore the woman, let her moan about you just blank her say hello and goodbye nothing else and this will drive the woman nuts which in the end she will be the one who makes a fool out of herself. If you say nothing you cannot be acussed of anything.Trust me.

Answer 11

You're never going to please your mother-in-law so do yourself a favour and please yourself and your husband. She can fall in with you, not the other way around.
If she turns up uninvited and doesn't phone, if you ask her to, don't answer the door. Or don't ask her in.
Simply don't get involved. Smile, do your own thing. Just refuse to get caught up in the cames. Don't bother making excuses. Be strong. You've got something she wants - her son and your children.
Don't be rude though, or impolite. You don't want to make enemies with the rest of the family. Just be above it all, do what you want and bring peace to your house! Got to add - mil started making comments but I just repeated them to my husband in front of her. I'd say things like"Your motherr wants to know..." That soon shut her up.