WHY DID YOU MARRY THE PERSON YOU MARRIED and am I asking too much for a reason more than just happiness??

Question

This is my first question on Yahoo and I'm asking cause I'm just pretty much lost. I'm thinking about proposing to my girlfriend of about a year in half in another year or two. That would put us at about two or three years n some months. I've already started to decide on a ring for her and plan how I want to propose. I try to do things big so I'm taking as much time as I can to plan so it can be perfect. My problem is her, only reason to want to marry me is because supposedly "I make her happy". Maybe I'm looking for too much but anyone could potentially make her happy. she been made happy before me. I wanna know what is it that sets me apart from others. What makes her so sure it's me she wants to marry? She talked about marriage with BFs before so it's not like this is the first time she thought about it. But now she's with me... So what makes this time so different? I need help before I just hand in the towel on this commitment stuff. It's stressful and I'm not feeling good about it

Also considering we disagree on so much how do I know I'm even considering the right thing. She's not even 100% about us. Geez, now I'm blogging. haha. HELP!!!

Ok well I do love her more than anything. I know why I want to be with her. I have asked her these questions. I've asked even what is it that makes her happy. You know what her answer is?! "I don't know" She says I don't know. Saying you make me happy or because I love you sounds like such an easy and broad statement. But she can't tell me what makes me so different. I want to marry her. I want her to have my last name and to have my little boys. I want to take care of her and give her the high matinence life style she want but won't admit it. Lord knows, she high matinence. But I love those things about her. Even the things I don't like, I still love about her and even sometimes like, in moderation. I can take the highs and the lows and all the blows. I can't go off just generalizations. I need more substance, structure, and concreteness.

Thanks to everyone who answers my question. Keep the answers coming.

Answer 1

Well, we do make each other happy. We also have talked about just about any scenario we can think of in our future (child rearing, job relocation, etc) and we have found we share the same ideas. We also find we are both very looney people and other people don't let us be ourselves yet we can be ourselves with each other, so it must be right.

Answer 2

If you guys have been together that long I don't see why there's any reason you can't ask her. I mean come on, someone who's been together that long shouldn't have a problem asking those kinds of questions. You should be able to have those kinds of conversations with her already. If anything check out some marriage counselors. Marriage counselors aren't just there to help with marriage problems but people who are going to get married too. I know though that the newness of being married wears off and you face reality and thats when things can be difficult. Those are the times that you really have to pull through. I would want to make sure that the person I am marrying is actually the right one. I wouldn't want to go through all that to find out that that person wasn't the one. Although you can make things work. Maybe she has a hard time expressing herself. I don't know I don't know her. That's why I suggested the marriage counselor

Answer 3

TWO things concern me that you said. One was that she had several boyfriends all of whom she planned marriage with and who also made her "happy".

There are some girls who are just "in love" with the idea of marriage. They look for marriage in every relationship. So in other words, every guy they might end up with has to lead to marriage. I'm not saying that this IS the case with her...but it might be...and she might not even know it.

Unfortunately, most women are "pressured" into being good girls, saving themselves for marriage, and actually GETTING married if they have a boyfriend...regardless of thier age or if they are ready...I think parents often push their kids into it...or at least drill it so much into a girl's mind that this is what good girls do...that sometimes I think this is the reason people end up miserable. They simply rush into things or marry for the wrong reasons...ie because it seems the next logical step.

The other thing that worries me is you say you fight or argue a lot...this will only INCREASE the longer you get together. It will never stop because obviously you have differences now, and will continue to have those differences unless one of you compromises, and if you have to change to become someone you are not to please someone, you will be unhappy in the long run.

So take your time and it sounds like you are...and be sure before you commit for a lifetime.

She says you make her happy and you ask what sets you apart...well I think you have to ask her that question and find out for yourself why and then decide if this is someone you can live with forever...FOREVER...because that is what marriage is about. If you are not sure...just wait...continue to plan but you need not rush. In the meantime you will get to know one another better and you will change and grow too and when you are settled in your careers etc. you will know if you still want to be together forever or not.

Answer 4

I married the first guy because I thought I loved him and I was pregnant. I divorced him because he was an alchoholic and a party guy. I married the second husband becasue he was who I needed at the time. He was everything I thought I wanted. He changed..I changed. He is a weirdo now and addicted to porn and a workaholoic. I got married at 19 the first time. You should only marry when you are sure, when you know that this is the person. Is she your best friend? Can you be a goofball as well as a brainiac? Can you trust her with anything and everything? Will you share all your secrets and your pain? You will "know". Dont be pressured by what someone else wants. You need to do what you feel as well. Getting married is the easy part......staying married and interesed as well as interesting is the hard part. Divorce is an even harder solution. You can never be 100% sure, there are no guarentees. People grow , change and evolve. You can always get engaged for a rreeaallllyyy looonnnngggg time. =)

Answer 5

I married my husband because I could'nt see myself living life without him. I knew that he was the man I wanted to wake up to everymorning, I knew that I wanted to make his coffee, wash his laundry, and rub his back at the end of a hard day. I knew that I wanted to listen to what he had/has to say, and I knew that He made me happier than anybody in my life ever has. Every time I look at him my heart fills so full I feel as if i'm going to burst, and I long to hold him in my arms.
Marriage is indeed a big jump with lots of highs and lows, marriage is not something to take lightly. If you can put aside the fact that she has talked about other b/f and the fact that they were considering marriage then you will be fine. If you are feeling that stressed about asking her the question, then you need to maybe not ask her that question. Go with your heart/gut. If you are not feeling good about asking the question now, imagine how you will feel once you get married. Possibly she may not be ready or even the one that you want to marry. Give it a little more time, Wait a few months and then see what happens, b/c marriage is a big EXPENSIVE step.
Good luck, and let us know what you decide!!!!!

Answer 6

I married my husband because he liked me. I've had people say they loved me before and for a time they made me happy, but I never truly felt like any man really liked me until I met my husband.

He doesn't try to change me because he likes and respects who I am. It's the best feeling I've ever had because I don't have to do anything to impress him. Everything isn't always sweetness and light because in any relationship you have disagreements and misunderstandings, but when two people like each other it just seems so much easier to give and take and find the middle ground that makes both people happy again.

You didn't ask for my opinion about your relationship, but I'll tell you anyway. I think you should be asking yourself why do you want to marry your girlfriend. I just play a psychologist on the internet, but it sounds to me like you are a romantic at heart and it's easy for romantics to fall in love with being in love and not actually be in love with the person. If it's stressful and you aren't feeling good about it, then something is not right about the whole thing and you should listen to your instincts and pull back.

Answer 7

Why don't you ask her the same questions you're asking us on this board. Ask her what makes you so special from all the rest that she'd want to spend the rest of her life with you. Does she love you? Being happy with someone is a good start, but it is not enough. Marriage is a bumpy road. You will have the happy times, then you will have the not so happy times. What happens if you're going through bad times? Is she going to walk out on the marriage then because she's not happy at that moment? Marriage means different things to different people that It would be impossible to describe it all in this paragraph. If you're here asking these questions, it tells me that you're both not ready for this yet. Hold off until you find the answers from her.

Answer 8

I know its your first question, my advice is to be a little more specific when asking a question.
There's got to be more than just happiness because when the happiness is not there then what? I married my husband for many reasons, love, campanion, security, commitment,soul mates, family, freindship, and we gone through some trying times and still worked out our problems. In todays standards marriage has lost its meaning, values, commitments, etc. It wouldn't hurt to go over the marriage vows you and your partner and really explore them, share your feelings with her ask her questions. Because you know marriage is a BIG & IMPORTANT decision and really you don't experience some of the stuff you would experience when your dating. Its not about you anymore, and then children of my it can be overwhelming at times, talk about throwing the towel. Sorry I don't mean to alarm you but I just wanted to share a bit of my experience, yes HAPPINESS is a bonus but there's more to it.
I wish the best for you and your GF

Answer 9

Well, do not be pressured into anything, EVER!!!

I married my boyfriend of 3 years, whom I had known for a total of 6 years..
We lived together and even had a child, wich people do judge, but it was our life, before we decided to get married. I wanted to be certain it was a commitment we both wanted to make, and I did not pressure him or talk about it alot, I waited for him to propose to me when he was ready.
We were engaged for 3 years before we got married.
I married him because I knew he was my true love and my soul mate..we were just not lovers, we were best friends and still are to this day.
Its a long , very involved story..if you really want to know all the reasons, just send me a message and I will fill you in...
( we have been married for 10 years now, a couple for 13 years, and friends for 16 years )

Answer 10

I wish I would have consider happiness one of my options to marry. I married for love but he did not marry for love. So you know what happen I ended up unhappy. You did not mention the most important thing, do you love her and how does she make you feel. Sometimes its the timing of things that makes it different than the other times. I know you are looking for rockets and bombs to be going off and she is just simply happy with you. Don't throw in the towel if she is the one that you really want to spend the rest of your life with. And also maybe you are not asking her the right questions. Talk to her about how you are feeling and then go from there.

Answer 11

well, it's a good thing you have some time on your hands then. Keep planning, but time will tell all.
I married the person I married for several reasons. First , he does make me happy, he makes me laugh, we are each others best friend, the sex is amazing, he is the man that i want to grow old with. I feel he completes me. I am whole since i have been with him. But the idea that you make her happy shouldn't come across as a bad thing to you...if you look at my above stement, everything i listed is encompassed by the big idea of he makes me happy. You sound like a good man, if you love her, and she makes you happy, and youo want to spend the rest of your life with her....keep planning, and ask her. 8-) good luck