Yes. I WROTE it myself. No stealing!
My name is Kaylah Stevens
This story is true
I stop to think of things I could do
You barely knew me, but that seemed to change
As years went by, our relationship rearranged.
When I moved away, we still kept in touch
However I didn't think this pain would hurt so much.
You were my Aunt and you were my friend
My life seemed to change when yours seemed to end
It hit me so hard the day you slipped away
I honestly thought that you were going to stay
I wasn't ready for what had come
It was so hard, my body went numb.
I spent the week mourning over you
How could such a bad thing happen to you?
You always smiled and was always a joy
I know you passed that on to your two little boys
I see your pictures and hear your name
That is when I think back to the day that was lame
My mind and body tell me to be strong
But I can't be when you are gone so long.
My name is Kaylah Stevens
This story is true
2006-08-11 08:53:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Everything I said
was meant for you
2006-08-11 08:55:20 · update #1
I'm not much for poetry, but I like it.
2006-08-11 08:59:12 · answer #1 · answered by Casual Traveler 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although I usually don't care for ryhming poetry, but in your case I will make an exception. Here are the only parts I would consider changing...
"I spent the week mourning over you, how could such a bad thing happen to you?" I wouldn't ryhme you with you, it seems a little awkward when you read it aloud.
"That is when I think back to the day that was lame" This part you need to fix! While I understant there aren't too many words that ryhme with name, lame seems very out of place. Maybe..."And after that day life was never the same"? Or..."I realize things here will never be the same."
Despite a few spots where it needs some work, this a beautiful, touching poem. Writing is a great way to express your feelings, and it almost feels like you're transferring all your pain onto the page, and you're left feeling as if you're starting to move on, no? You have so much potential and a great voice. I am sure you have made your aunt very proud, and I hope writing this helped you to grieve.
Another thing I really liked was that you used your name. It almost gave the poem a name, as if you were simply talking to someone about what had happened. Also, you are lucky you can manage to ryhme without sounding corny! Some of us, including myself, cannot do that. My poetry, for the most part, doesn't ryhme, because whenever I try to ryhme it totally and completely sucks.
However, yours doesn't! Keep writing.
2006-08-11 10:44:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
10
2006-08-11 09:26:43 · answer #3 · answered by Justmais19 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
10
2006-08-11 08:59:15 · answer #4 · answered by :-) 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A very touching eulogy and for that I give it a 10
In so far as it being poetry...it's a bit plain spoken and,that's not meant as an insult but, poetry is about the beauty of the written word and conveying something to the reader in a way that he/she has never heard it before, it's why so many poets use metaphor to relate all the raw emotion of a feeling without coming right out and saying it. Try reading "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight" by Dylan Thomas it's about the death of his father and the difficulty he had in coming to grips with it in light of the way he viewed his fathers life.
My final verdict? A wonderful first attempt I think you're off to a great start.
2006-08-11 09:24:02 · answer #5 · answered by xNocturnex 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great poem for a sad story.
If you want my opinion, here's what you should change.
"How could such a bad thing happen to you?"
This line is a bit repetitive and disrupts the flow of the poem.
"You always smiled and was always a joy."
Should be were, not was.
"That is when I think back to the day that was lame."
Would be better to use another word than lame to describe what was an important and tragic day for you.
As for the rest, it is inspiring, so keep expressing yourself through poems!
7 out of 10.
2006-08-11 09:04:12 · answer #6 · answered by STILL standing 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poem is amazingly good for a newbie, there is defiantly some astonishing imagery in it, in spite of the incontrovertible fact that it forms of lacks direction, its somewhat confusing, it starts off off with you satisfied you have got here upon somebody, yet they are no longer relatively yours? and then they circulate away, it incredibly is a good storyline, yet you ought for example a component interior the poem whilst they circulate away. It does not fairly rhyme in places, which i do no longer blame you for, rhyming poems are very very complicated, so perhaps you need to easily attempt non rhyming poems before everything. in case you like the belief of rhyming nevertheless, attempt only making it lyrical whilst spoken, counting the syllables in line with line is a competent thank you to try this. Poetry might nicely be exciting and extremely enjoyable, i think of you need to proceed, it is likewise possible to make some money! yet you need to purchase a e book on writing poetry to truly get the superb effects, i am going with to propose "the ode much less travelled: unlocking the poet interior" via Stephen Fry, he's incredible and and extremely exciting.
2016-12-11 07:02:00 · answer #7 · answered by pfarr 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely a 10! I can identify. Your poem brought tears to my eyes because I just lost an Aunt recently. I'm saving it now. Don't worry I won't steal it:)
2006-08-11 13:26:04 · answer #8 · answered by Amazon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good 8 out of 10
2006-08-11 08:59:37 · answer #9 · answered by jercha 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what a sad poem. You're very lucky that you can express your feelings by writing about what you're going through. It's a poem your aunt would be proud of. Keep on writing!
2006-08-11 09:00:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Miss Kaylah -- BRAVO!! I am so happy you had a chance to love someone like that. God Bless.
2006-08-11 09:00:23 · answer #11 · answered by GP 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋