My wife doesn't respect me. There is no sex. She feels like I am another child. I disagree with her on this

Question

She says I don't do anything around the house. This is not true. She says I don't anticipate things or see what needs to be done. This is probably true. Sometimes I think her perception is skewed and I don't know what to do about it. She says she wants a true partner, not someone to whom she has to give orders and assignments and then have them carried out. I don't want to live like this either. I am prepared to believe that I'm depressed, but this has been going on for years. She has a lot of anger. I'm at my wits end. Right now she says she's only staying for the kids.

Answer 1

XXXXXXXXXXX I honestly think what is wrong with your wife is not really you. I think you are the pawn. Something else os bothing her and she's using you as an excuse for her own problems. Maybe she needs to talk to someone and find out her deep issues. Simple things you talk about like not helping around the house is trivial. I think there is some love lost and picking on you for piddly **** is her only outlet. Her anger stems from something she is probably afraid to either tell you or even admit to herself. Women stay in abusive marriage where their men are controlling their every mood and putting them in the hospital weekly, yet no one, not even their parents can break them from his hold. Love, it what it's all about. and if you don't love yourself and can't be happy with who you are, how can you be happy with your spouse. She's not being abused, misused, or mistreated. There is something else. I hope she finds solace in her life before she ruin a marriage than can be a good one in the long run. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Answer 2

No wonder you are a little depressed. That is a terrible situation for all of you.

1) You wife is under a lot of stress. Home, kids, husband. She sees what needs to be done and does what she can. She needs help to keep up with everything. Look at things from her point of view. She has the kids depending on her and your wife needs you to pick up the slack to help her through. She needs to be able to have you take charge and do some things to take the pressure off of her. A woman wants a man strong enough for her to lean on when she is worn out. If you could find a way to help out more she could see this strength in you.

2) You have a lot on your mind, too. To you home is a place to relax and get your mind at ease. Unfortunately when you have that point of view you tend to overlook anything that needs work. Your wife then points it out and treats you like a child.

3) If your wife thinks of you as a child, there will be no more sex. How could she be intimate with someone who is not on an adult level in her mind? You need to step up into the man of the house role. If you are there to support her and win her trust again, things may get better.

4) It has gotten so far that you will probably need counseling to deal with all of the mixed-up feelings you have for each other. Give it a try. Your marriage is already in danger, so what could it hurt?

5) For a quick fix try making a list of one or two things you can do on the week end to improve the living conditons. Fix something, do some laundry, cook a meal, something for her to see you are making an attempt at working things out.

Answer 3

Sounds like someone needs a timeout. So, she's a control freak...do her way or no way...Honey, there's proably no way you are ever make her happy. Sit down with her, make a list of chores around the house you are suppose to do. Then do them...she has to realistic...people can't be on top of things 24/7. I would love to hear her side of this story! There's always 2 sides to every story, and I would like to know exactly her complaints...If you see dirty clothes on the flooor do you bend over and pick them up? If the kids leave toys out, do pick them up? If the bed needs making, do you make it? Pick up a dirty glass off the coffee table. My family leaves stuff all over the house, and I get upset because I seem to be the only one that sees it. I also don't go crazy if the dishes aren't done the minute we get up from the table. But if you see something that needs doing-then do it! You could very well be depresses, who wouldn't living in a battlefield.
Her statement about staying for the kids, has me wondering....Why? There's no sense in being together while being so unhappy, because the kids are proably miserable too.
Divorce is not the end of world for either of you or the kids. As a matter of fact, it could be the answer to the problem. If the kids live with her, that doesn't mean you have to be a part-time Dad, go by everyday, go to the ballgames, school plays, you can be a better Father to those kids by being happy and healthy. Depression can wreck your health. I know....been there and done that. So, what's the best thing for all of you. That's your call....Would she be willing to go to counseling for this anger problem? She needs to whether you stay to together or not. Just like it wouldn't hurt you to go, and the family doctor can give you something to help with the depression. You got some major decisions to make, and I wished I knew the right answer for you. Be each of you deserves to be happy, so you can raise good loved kids....Good luck and God bless us all...........

Answer 4

I've recently been through similar things in my marriage. I started reading "Marraige on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans. Now this is a Christian based book, but it really has a lot to offer even if you don't believe in the same God. It is a great book. Something that might help is understanding that what you're fighting about isn't usually what you think. She says you don't anticipate what needs done. Well she's probably annoyed because maybe each of you have your priorities skewed. For instance maybe one of you puts work above your relationship with your spouse. People who think you don't have to work on a relationship based on true love are wrong. That's why they call it "making love" because it isn't something that just comes without work. Lust is easy but true love takes dedication and time. You have to be willing to give your wife more time and more quality time than anything else other than God if you believe in God. I hope this helps. The book goes into so much more detail. I hope you're not offended if you're not a Christian. I just thought I should share this info because it has helped my marriage so much.

Answer 5

In our local paper a few days ago was a very interesting article in which a woman who'd written the book "The Female Brain" spoke of her research. There are distinct differences between the male and female brain. Expectations are different, the frequency which men and women even think about sex is different, it was fascinating!

She may be expecting you to "read her mind" when it comes to things she sees around the house that need doing. Men and women think so differently in so many areas, I can't even go into it all on here.

If you love each other and want to work things out, I'd go buy that book. But I'd also sit down with her and tell her that by giving orders and "assignments," she is not helping things. She needs to ask you specifically to help her in certain areas, because you aren't going to "mind read" what they are. Her anger isn't helpful, either. Being angry because you aren't fulfilling her needs that you may not even understand or be aware of is ill-serving, both to you and her.

It sounds as if you are a sensitive, caring guy. I think that things just need to be aired and clarified. According to the book, a man's mind is more like a one-lane country road, while a woman's resembles an eight-lane superhighway...think about what that implies.

Answer 6

Listen! First you have to step up as the MAN of the house.
You have to exude confidence and authority!! Without being a jerk
Second, Start making decisions. Think of a topic that concerns you and your wife be proactive think of the best solution and tell your wife you have made a decision and would like her opinion.
Third, get off your behind think off little things you can do around the house that you know she would appreciate. you have 1,440
minutes in a day can you spare 10 or 20 to make your wife happy? Think of something that you could help out ,with without her telling you, to make her feel like you care about your home and family. Put the dishes away..... tell her you are going to take the kids to the park for 20 min so she can relax..... bring her flowers and tell how much you appreciate how hard she works!....
offer to wash a load and ask her if there is anything special she needs washed..... vacum a room it only takes 5 min.... tell her you are going to cook dinner and you want her to sit down and relax.... etc. etc.
Finally, The reason women don't want to have sex with there husband is because there EMOTIONAL NEEDS are not being met. Be romantic, express your love in words, with gifts and little deeds like i mentioned above. Don't expect sex immediately... relax let her crave it. It takes a few trys from you to let her know you care.

Answer 7

Well the first step to solving the dilemma is to talk to her. Make her fall in love with you again, communicate. Maybe buy her flowers or do something productive around the house and then tell her you really need to talk. Communication can fix everything if it's done right. Talk about how you understand where she's coming from, talk about how you dreamed of a joyous, close and loving marriage and would like to have a shot at making her happy once again, tell her that you love the kids and her and want to start focusing in on what needs to be done and tell her that you plan to get your priorities in line. Tell her you were wrong but most importantly tell her all the reasons you were wrong. Tell her she is beautiful and smart and that youve been taking the privelege of having her around for granted. Also, clarify that you want to openly discuss everything so that you are on the same page when it comes to household tasks, like who does what and when. Tell her to communicate with positive energy and treat you like her husband. Apologize in conclusion but make sure you continuously spew this to her as one speech, don't allow for her to intervene with comments/questions until your done. All it takes is the desire to accomplish this feat, and with effort you should be successful. Good luck, seriously i hope everything works out. If it doesnt work, i tried. . .

Answer 8

Try this for one, take her out. Find a sitter for the kids, get all dressed up and take her out dancing. Show her that you appreciate her for being your partner and rasing your kids. First, bring home some roses and maybe pick up a cd of a favorite music group. When she asks why, tell her it's just because you were thinking of her today. When she is getting ready, pick up the house a little bit, maybe do some dishes, wipe down the counters or table. Whip out a vaccum if need be. Just let her know that you care.

Answer 9

Start behaving like an adult and do not wait until you have to be asked or ordered or assigned to do something about the house. Perhaps if you start bringing your fair share around the house, she will start treating you like an adult and perhaps even feel like having sex with you again.
Try finding a marriage/relationship therapist - the imago therapy is a good way to go.

Good luck and remember that the kids don't want to live like this either.

Answer 10

Hard to be sure without seeing it in action, but your situation sounds VERY very typical for many married couples.

The wife often has a preference for how things should be done in the house, feels responsible for making it happen even while she doesn't want to have to do it all herself, and becomes frustrated and disappointed when she finds herself doing it. She takes the husband's lack of initiative and/or concern for the chores to be a rejection of her or using her -- a lack of caring.

[And really, wives do shoulder a heavier load with the family than they should have to -- it's HARD to manage to maintain a house, keep everyone on task, plus work a job outside the home if they do... and then to actually enjoy their lives...!]

Meanwhile, the husband often has a higher threshold of "mess tolerance" (i.e., he can let chores slide longer without being bothered by the mess), so he doesn't get around the tasks before the wife does. He's fine with doing whatever the wife asks, just doesn't notice or think of things -- or thinks they don't have to be done "yet" -- enough to do them before she does.

I think your assessment actually is probably close to the mark -- that some things you fail to act on when you perceive them, while other things you just don't notice and need her to point them out to you.

You need to take more initiative in caring for the house (and thus your wife). That means learning what levels of mess make her feel uncomfortable or unsettled, then doing what you can to take care of things before she has to ask you. This will go a long way in helping fix things.

But I think your wife has unreasonable expectations. You aren't performing in the way she prefers, and instead of accepting what/who you are and working with it, she's basically focusing on her own disappointment. Idealistically, maybe you should be able to read her mind or see things as she does; realistically, you need her to give you lists of things to do.

She should not have to monitor/micro-manage you, but I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask her for a list of chores that you can do for her, and she should be appreciating this as a sign you love her and want to pick up the load.

Sometimes the wife is mad because the man is doing the job she asked, but he does it in a different way or a way she does not personally like -- for example, folding clothes a certain way. If the job has been done successfully (i.e., it's complete and "works"), I think she has two choices: Drive herself batty by redoing everything all "her way" and thus becoming resentful, or accepting that she doesn't have the time or energy to redo everything, nor the right to force other people to do everything the way she does.

I can understand that she doesn't feel like having sex with you -- she's emotionally frustrated. I think the problem is on both ends -- both her and you. You need to commit more to initiating things, she needs to stop being unreasonable in her demands and accept your relationship as mutual and how you might work together successfully.

She should never be threatening you or shaming you by saying she would "dump you except for the kids" -- that's just the frustration and disasppointment talking, and doesn't help things.

My wife and I have had to deal with this sort of thing intensely. My in-laws don't even have a problem with making things work: She comes up with lists (because she's good at seeing what has to get done), he does the jobs, because he's handy. They're both very happy.

I would advise counseling, since while it seems you are open to admitting where you are at fault, I think your wife is having trouble seeing the problem as anything but yours right now and will need some encouragement to see where her own frustrations are hurting the marriage.

Still, work on doing the tasks you DO perceive, think about how you can be proactive in your family and not leave a load on her shoulders, and get advice from married friends if you can.