we just argueed over his mother! need some advice?

Question

this is a long history of my husbands family interfering, and wantng answers all the time as to why we cant go somewhere etc etc. basically today we were told about a family barbacue thats happening tommorow (late notice as always), our 2 children arn't well so we argreed that we shouldn't go as we dont want to make other kids sick. so he rings up his mother to tell her that we wont be coming, i could hear the conversation, she tells him it's just an excuse, she doesnt believe us and basically we are lying. i got very offended by this and spoke up in the backround as he wouldn't give me the phone, said that if she didn't believe us to come round and see the kids and i'm not irrisponsible and wont let them make other kids sick. coversation ended with her saying she would ring later as she was busy. after which my husband turns to me and say's i didn't help by speaking up and i shouldn't have said anything. i have put up with his family giving us so much hassle over the years and i have

never said anything before, now i have he moans at me and we had a massive arguement, was he right to be mad at me or was i right to stick up for myself and not be called a liar, he might like to be walked over by his family but i hate having to do the same, i wouldn't allow anyone else to so why should i let his family. any ideas as what i should do.

the problem is we all live in the same town, they always want to know what your doing and why you cant come to something and you have to have a really good excuse all the time, we cant just say we dont feel like it, she doesn't accept that. shes always making comments and saying nasty things but in a way thats not obvious so you cant have a go at her. shes so manipulative.

Answer 1

You and your husband need to live independently of your in laws. Keep a joint stance and discuss issue in advance to develop a strategy. If all else fails try divorce.

Answer 2

Good Idea for speaking up... if your kids are old enough I would leave them home alone or get a baby sitter and go for like an hour just to make her happy. Second, keep standing up to her and if you have to talk to her your self tell her how her accuations make you feel... She will get the idea some day... I would hope.
The next thing I would do is if you have a local community college or university close by then I would go there and take come conflict management courses these all teach you how to deal with the confilcts that arise... and it has saved me many of times... with my own mother.

Answer 3

Listen my friend, no matter what, your inlaws will never accept you. And no matter how disasterous the blunder is, they will always forgive your husband as its their son. The same with Daughters.

Secondly, its your life. You dont owe an explanation to anybody.
If they dont believe you they dont. And they are not going to believe you whether you tell the truth or lies, cos they have decided not to believe you. Thats all.

There's a term .....We can only wake up a person who is sleeping. We cannot wake up a person who is pretending to be asleep.

They just dont wanna hear your explanation.
Their objective is to provoke you. And they are successful.

I dont usually answer anyone who provokes me except my mother. And I handle her differently cos she doesnt understand explanations. If she tries to ask or target me with some emotion provoking questions or statements, I return the answer with a question to emotionally target her.

For example, in your case I'd say to the mother "So you are ok with the other kids falling sick. I got it. Now I know." So its their turn to explain and your turn to mistake them.

NO, I am not playing a game because I dont start these games. I like straight talk. But I have learnt to handle some sensitive emotional blackmails by imitating them exactly.

Finally, dont take these too personally for your own health and for the health of your children. Like I said, its your life dearest. You shouldnt give a damn about anybody. Nobody cares about you except yourself.

Answer 4

You did the right thing about speaking up. I had the same problem a couple of years ago. The family wanted to run my house, talk to me any kind of way, had my husband paying there bills and every time I tried to walk around my house I would see one of them. I got so fed-up with it that I told him he had three days to fix the problem or he can be out the door with them. But if I didn't speak up I would still be in your boat. Taking in-laws ****. We married the man no the whole damn family. And if you don't want to go to no cookout let him go alone.

Answer 5

Bravo for you standing up for what you believe in; keep on doing it-if this woman expected you to take sick children somewhere like a barby she wants her bumps read. Your marriage is just that; YOUR marriage; dont let them manipulate you, and dont give in just to keep the peace. Your husband should be backing you all the way, and telling his family that he does so. If he thinks his family are always in the right, tell him to go live with them. Its time you took a stand, and you need to tell him thats what you intend to do; dont spend the rest of your life with "doormat" tattooed on your forehead!!! Tell him if he isnt for you, then he is against you, and dont let them grind you down to their level. Good Luck

Answer 6

I had a similar problem with my mother in law, who died last year. My husband is aware of how much control she had over our lives and says he feels freer now she is dead. I could do nothing about it whilst she was alive, but if I could go back I'd move away from her fast. Take your complaint to her nicely and maybe she will realise how upset she makes you. If your husband reads this HEY HUBBY YOU NEED TO STICK UP FOR YOUR WIFE OK! Mummy will cope without you but your wife should be no1 priority now, you left home remember

Answer 7

Tell them that you two/and you +family need to have your own life, I kinda had it that way with my own family for a long time, but have now moved so of course that has stopped, but really only due to that....he feels obligated still in a way to please "his" family and relations, it´s very hard to cut them off and say how you feel, but probably, it has to be done....I don´t exactly know what the best thing here is to do, but ....mainly tell the truth, even if it hurts...I don´t think his mam is going to get sooo angry or whatever, I think she´ll understand...(I don´t mean cut them off altogether, just tone it down a bit...)

Answer 8

Sounds like you are in a similar position to my daughter! She too needs help in how to deal with her partner's parents.

Don't let this come between you and your husband though. His loyalties are being split between you and his mother and it seems like his mother is doing all she can to manipulate him. Don't blame him and don't go on about his mother to him either. My advice would be to concentrate on looking after your little ones and maybe, when they are better, invite the in-laws over for tea just to keep them involved with your family.

Answer 9

tell your husband (nicely of course) to start growing a backbone - i don't mean this is a nasty way im just saying its your lives & if you dont want to go to a family gathering you shouldn't have too.

also try to get his family to give you more notice which will give you more time to plan things.

i agree with you though. i wouldn't take my kids somewhere if they were sick. don't be too hard on your husband though - he is stuck between both you & his somewhat dominating mother!

Answer 10

wow!Tell his mom to come over or maybe she would like to take them to the dr. herself.
I feel for you as I have been thru some similar stuff.You're doing the right thing.Keep being a good mom to your babies.My mom-in-law used to blame me for the kids over there getting sick.Or the fact that I did drugs when I was a teen that contributed to 3 of my kids having adhd.If that was the case,how did my hubby get it?(My mom-in-law has since passed on)
Anywho,I'm right there with you,sister.Maybe we should start a support group.
I'm the only one of any girlfriends he's ever had that "B****ed" right back at his mom.

Answer 11

Tell your husband he'll have to sort his mother out or else. You could also perhaps try speaking to her and tell her how you feel. Tell the husband if he doesn't start standing up to his mother, then there's no future together as this would do my head in.