Should I send this email to my wife?

Question

There doesn’t have to be a definitive answer to this question and I ask this because I care about your happiness and mine, which clearly we are not happy for our own reasons. How much longer do you think we can keep doing this to each other? I ask this with the utmost sincerity. This is not a productive marriage or relationship and I don’t want our one year anniversary to approach so we can look back at our first year of marriage and have nothing to celebrate other than surviving it. I think at this point we both deserve better than this, especially considering everything we had been through before getting married, which I had hoped becoming husband and wife would give us the needed inspiration to strive to be more for ourselves and for each other but if we aren’t capable of doing that for each other then maybe its time we take other options into serious consideration. I love and care for you too much to see you this way and I am worried about you.

Maybe outside of our home you are a very different person filled with joy and happiness, but I don’t see it. I want to be here for you and I will be no matter what, but we’re just hurting too much living this way.

As a side note, as far as counseling is concerned, I admit that I wonder if you may not be seeing Toby because you think there will be a disadvantage due to the fact that I’ve been seeing him for a while now. I talked with him about that yesterday because you had mentioned something about a month or so ago about me having the counselor in my back pocket, which isn’t the case. He agreed that while it may not be the single reason for you not going, it could very well be one of the reasons, even though he agreed it isn’t true. So, if and when you decide to go, he has mentioned his wife as an option or if you’d feel more comfortable seeing a different counselor, you have that as an option too. Again, I say this because I care about you

not because I expect anything from you. I’m worried about you and I’m not giving up on you, but I honestly don’t know how I feel about us anymore.

I won’t bring this up again but it is open for discussion if and when you want to talk about it. I love you.

Answer 1

I don't think this is such a good idea to send this to your wife.

You should go to therapy and talk it out.

If I got an email like this from my spouse, I would kick his ***.

Answer 2

I would change a few things. first I would suggest changing some of your statements.. rather than how much longer do you think..i would say i wonder how much longer you, think.... Rather than this is not a productive marriage I would say (again take ownership of your feelings) I do not feel that this is a productive...rather than send it via e-mail print a copy or two and read it to her in a private, quiet setting. It sounds like you sincerely and honestly want to communicate these issues to her/ if you need the help of a therapist then by all means go that route. What ever the outcome if you treat each other with respect and dignity as you work through these issues however it ends you can wind up better persons. Growth and process don't have to turn into a battle wherein there has to be a winner & a looser. Good luck!

Answer 3

I may suggest that instead of airing your distress to the Internet, have a conversation with your wife, over candles at a restaurant, preferably her favorite, and rather than be confrontational, be the man she married. You may bring out the woman you married.
Communication is the hardest thing to do among couples, why?
I've been trying to find out for several years. Why must there be my side and your side? What happened to our side?
Upon the contract of marriage, a couple is to forsake all others, why is it that women seem to forsake their own husband. They have made their vows, and now refuse to follow them.
AND THEY WANT AN HONEST MAN?
Again I say to avoid loosing who you may consider is the best part of your life, have a simple talk over dinner. Call it the future Preparation Dinner. If things go well, your future is looking up; if things don't change, your future is stagnant; if things go bad, your future says "get out while you can."
By the way; in your coming future, never ask such question of just anybody, especially of women. The answers you get will drive you nuts. Their thought stream is too incoherent, and many don't know what they're talking about.

Answer 4

No, you need to talk to her and listen to her. Maybe she is trying to tell you something and your not hearing her. Try marriage counseling together with a new counselor that you will both feel comfotable with. The first year of marriage can be very hard to adjust to. Open discussions with your wife is what will heal you. Have the two of you tried to get away for a romantic stress free weekend? Maybe she needs some time to relax and re kindle things with you. Good luck.

Answer 5

The e-mail was beautifully wrote, but I wouldn't e-mail it to her. If you can't tell her this in person, because she won't listen or you are afaird that she won't let you finish....Please just print it out and leave it somewhere where she can find it. She will want to be alone when she reads this....because she can do 3 different things, 1] cry 2 ] laugh 3] get real angry...She needs privacy to read that her marriage is most proably over. Don't let her make herself a public speckable. I wish you two could talk to one another. It seems like you got your head on straight, and prepared to work on this marriage or walk away....The first year of marriage is one the hardest years in a marriage, and a lot of couples don't make it. I praying that you can work things out, but glad you love her enough to let her go. Most people don't understand that, I have told my husband all through our years together. His happiness is most important, and if he's not happy then I would just walk away. With a heart broken, but I would let him go. Both the husband and wife have to be happy or both are going to be miserable. So, I would rather part before things got real ugly...and you have to avoid each other like you have kind of a disease. I read some of the answers to your question, scarey--some people just don't get it....Loving someone doesn't mean you actually like them all the time...Loving someone means letting go sometimes....broken hearted but just wanting them to be happy and healthy.....God bless us all........

Answer 6

I think that you are a lot like me... I have a very hard time talking about such emotional topics... I get upset and loose focus. What I have found that help is to write out a letter and then read it out loud to the person; choose a personal setting (NOT in a busy restaurant) with the tv off so the focus can be on your discussion. That way it isn't as impersonal as a e-mail but you can still say everything that way that you intend for it to come out. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 7

I think this seems a little harsh. Although you mean well, it sounds a bit argumentative. If your wife is really going through a hard time, you should try to be more gentle. Maybe take out all the parts about being unhappy in the relationship and focus on the part where you're concerned for her. Or, try to talk it out in person. That's probably your best bet.

Answer 8

OK sounds Utterly tough... Heres the news... first years of marriage usually are a struggle... but you have to hang in there... so the email sounds a bit like you just want to bail out... So dont send the email... Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and make sure you want to work through it... it is easy to bail out when things get tough and maybe thats not what u meant at all but sounds like it... another thing is... Marriage is never the answer to premarital problems... marriage just increases problems or adds to them... marriage is never perfect and takes lots of work... so never should one marry because problems will disappear... Warning labels on marriage should read : Warning marriage can cause frustration, anxiety, headaches, sadness, but also, happiness, fullfillment, sense of belonging, love, personal and relational growth, and companionship... marriage should never be underestimated or underappreciated... Hang in there man... things can never go any worst when ur down in the pits... so get counseling and work things through...

Answer 9

If this is the way you really feel than yes, by all means. She will be upset I am sure, but you have laid it on the line that you love her and there are problems.

The one thing I have learned about love, is comfort, and if you are no longer comfortable in your relationship, it isn't worth the time to waste.

It's what you learn from that past that makes your future. And the best things in life are not what you are taught, but what you learn on your own. And when you have someone to share that with...you learn together, it makes for a much brighter future! But YOU BOTH have to want it.

Answer 10

I would talk to her vs. sending her an email. You should suggest that you both look for a new counselor so that it would be more neutral when you go, and you should both go. The counselor should be totally neutral for both of you, and be there to help both of you through your issues. If he or she is one-sided, I would look for a different one. But I would definitely continue the counseling and try your best to work things out before getting a divorce.

Answer 11

You need to say this to her face. If you don't have that oportunity then at least write it down by hand and give it to her. If your wife is so unreachable in person, for example refusing to speak to you about this, then maybe it's time to move on. I know you don't want to hear that, but sometimes that ist he only option to make you both happy, even though it seems like a very unhappy choice. It sounds like you love your wife very much, I hope she comes around for you. Good Luck.