If you knew your cheated and you were looking to forgive, would you want to know details?

Question

If you found out that your wife cheated and you were going to forgive her, provided that she change dramatically for the good....would you still want to know the details of the affair or sexual encounter? If she finally, said, yes-we had sex but your relationship was on the road to recovery--would you want to know more about the sexual encounters or would that just be self-torture? Why or Why not?

Answer 1

The problem associated with this issue is, once you've decided to forgive this indiscretion you need to not revisit it. But that's hard to do because you have a million questions ( some valid and some ridiculous) about the situation to help put that into perspective. Sometimes the answers will make you feel worse and you wind up hurt and angry all over again. Some answers make you want to give up altogether or try to get even. These are natural reactions to a violated trust, but, natural or not, they will destroy your chances of repairing the damage. Wanting to know more about the sexual encounters is again very natural, but you're also right that it is tantamount to self-torture. So, it takes a lot of soul-searching to determine if you're even up to the challenge of trying to put it behind you or not. If you decide to try, I recommend exploring that subject only when you're in the presence of a counsellor together with your wife. The counsellor can help steer your focus into a positive direction whenever your very understandable anger veers off course. Realize you do have every right to feel hurt and angry...not even the counsellor will try to tell you otherwise. But if it's your intention to repair damage done, you'll need help stepping outside of that periodically to address a greater purpose.This is not an easy road, but some couples have successfully survived infidelity and moved beyond it. If this is what you truly want, I wish you every good luck in bringing that to fruition.

Answer 2

I agree with CaptainS in the majority of his wisdom. It IS true that some people can handle this, some can't. That will probably make all the difference in whether you are strong enough to handle it emotionally. For alot of us, it's just strength that comes with our loving and forgiving nature, for others it is anger and resentment that they can't let go of.
I would say the key factor here is COMPLETE HONESTY.
How can you FORGIVE FULLY if you don't know what exactly you are forgiving?
It will drive you crazy in every waking , AND sleeping moment if you don't know, because you will be constantly wondering about all the little things.
When you are making love, you'll be thinking about what HE did to HER, and if you do it alike, or if he's better....
When you kiss her, you'll be wondering exactly how many times she did "what" to him with it.
You'll ask her which restaurant she'd like to go to, and when you get there, you'll wonder if this place has meaning to her, and where they sat and what she's thinking about!
Been there, done that and it isn't any fun.
Soon, you'll find yourself feeling like you need to have revenge to be equal partners again.
If you want to repair your relationship, you need to know all you can get out of her, or you'll begin to feel like she's still lying because she's keeping it from you.
Go to some neutral place, away from home, like a hotel and get it all out. Don't expect more questions not to pop up in your mind later,either! Be sure she knows that more questions will come, and you want complete honesty. If you feel she's honest , although all of this will highly embarrass her, you will begin to feel some trust again, because she is willingly submitting her quilt to you and trying to clean her slate.
You can work through this, but it's going to be painful, and stressful and seem like it never ends..but if the relationships trust and honesty grow and the pain of her quilt eventually subsides, you will find that your relationship is stronger than it ever was before.
Don't throw in the towel too quickly, give it some time.
If you don't feel she is riddled with quilt at first, and you can't see the pain she has caused herself by hurting you on her face and in her tears, then it would be best to let it be over with sooner.
I can't begin to describe what all the things you will feel will be like, except to say cruel and unusual torture. I can say, however, that if you can get through this , she will appreciate you more for your diligence and forgiveness, and will likely never hurt you again.
Good luck to you.

Answer 3

No ,that could be the worse thing to do. Me and my husband have had few problems in our short marriage(4yrs) and that is the one thing we would never ask each other when it came down to it. It could put an even bigger problem in your marriage. Let her keep what happened to herself. Of course you will always wonder, but knowing what happened could make things worse if your trying to forgive her in the first place. Just leave the issue alone and work on your marriage.

Answer 4

why would you need intimate details ---- that would torture you all the more!

The main things to find out: is the affair really over? Is she pregnant? Did she bring home STD's (get tests done) ? Do you both want to save the marriage?

Answer 5

Yes, I would want to know ALL the details....but not to forgive, rather to hate him/her even more.

I dont think I would be capable of forgiving my mate.

But if you can, then dont ask the details. Forgive and forget. Start fresh. and Good Luck. Im happy that you can forgive.

As for me, nope, I dont think I can.

Answer 6

I'd want to know all the details *unless* her story was that she went on an all-girls weekend and then blew some dude on the beach. I just couldn't deal with that, you know?

Answer 7

i think u need the details 2 come 2 a complete closure

Answer 8

ever heard the Toby Keith song "Wish I Didn't Know Now What I Didn't Know Then"...if not listen...sometimes details make it way harder to forgive

Answer 9

by human nature one can never survived without the details cause even if you don't ask in you mind you will always be thinking about it

Answer 10

Hell no I wouldn't want to know. Anything we had would be gone, including her and the info she knows. And that's all I need to know. I don't waste time talking to and questioning cheaters.