Why would he cheat? He has what seems like the perfect life. Serious answers only, please.?

Question

We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 10. We have both been faithful this entire time. (We have sex 3 times a week, and get along great!)
He went across the country last month and cheated on me. He had a one night stand with a girl who is 10 years younger.
A few weeks after he got home, I found her phone number in his cell phone and he fessed up. He says it is a terrible mistake and it has been eating at him.
I noticed he has been more moody lately and seems insecure, asking me if I love him, and if I would ever leave. He has also been somewhat withdrawn from our 2 kids, hardly playing with them like he used to. I think his change in attitude is what made me decide to look at his phone, that plus the fact that he has kept it with him at all times, unlike before when half the time he didn't even know where it was!

Anyway, I guess my question is this - He says it was a mistake and that it will never happen again. For some reason I believe him. Should I?

Answer 1

Marriage Counseling. Now. No excuses from him.

Also and this goes against what I normally say in these situations but...trust your gut. Your instincts are better than any advice a stranger could give you.

Remember, you KNOW this man. You are sensitive to changes in his emotional, physical and mental state.

I'm not saying forget this happened and trust him wholeheartedly. Certainly not yet. But if you believe him when he says it was a mistake, then give him a chance to EARN your trust back. But, and this is a monumental but, MAKE him earn your trust.

And if he starts even for a moment doubting you, remind him, every single time that you are not the one who cheated, he is.

Answer 2

Something similar happened to me about 3 years ago. We were living a "charmed" life with our 4 great kids, about to buy the house of our dreams, when he had an affair with his boss. You were lucky to get a confession. My husband vehemently denied everything for nearly a year. As you know, you learn a lot about someone over ten years & can tell when somethings not right. I had always said had he been up front about the affair I would have stayed to try and work it out. Now, I'm glad his denial ended our marriage. I have caught him cheating on his current gf, & his once warm relationship with his kids has remained distant. I believe he withdrew from our kids out of guilt for wrecking thier lives. The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart and your instincts. The fact he keeps his cell on him all the time, & has been acting insecure would make it difficult for me to believe that it would never happen again. They are the signs that caused you to investigate in the first place. You know him probably better than anyone. After a period of time, I was even able to tell when he was just thinking about the other woman. He was the love of my life, & walking out on our marriage was the most painful thing I've ever had to do.

Answer 3

Well, even good people make mistakes and his behavior seems consistent with that.

But the choice is legitimately yours and it sounds like he knows that -- "do you still love me?"

I'd be hard pressed to leave someone after 10-years if all things were well otherwise -- gotta hurt like hell and if he's sincere your not the only one that hurting (imagine if you did the same).

You also get hammered twice because if you decide to stay with him you can't hold it against him and you have to let him know you still love him. If you can't do that you have to move on for both your sakes and you can't ever go out and have an "affair" to get even or use it as an excuse in your future for a fling. Integrity starts with and I.

Screw the counseling -- what is there to say or discover. Tell him you want a new car, (gives him a way to make up), and if he ever does it again he's gone.

He should worship the ground you walk on.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

First a foremost there is nothgin wrong with you.Guys are hard to understand. You can give them everything they would ever need and yet they still want more and something different. I honestly think it was just curiosty and the situation of being away from you. He fessed up which is good, but if he has tried to stay in contact with her and carry on a relationship with her then that is a little different. The big thiing is if she knew about you. If she does then I would maybe consider trying to work things out, but if he hasn't told her about you then I think it might be time to see what your other options are. If you are able to forgive him and still have a great relationship then I would say do it. If you are the type to dwell and never let things go then I would maybe not because the rest of your relationship would be very hard...

Answer 5

Well you obviously read all of the "signs" correctly. Some people cheat because of the way the other person makes them feel. Not that it's an excuse. However, he could have gotten caught up in the stresses of life, and the other person came along and eased those stresses for the moment, and made him feel sexy, handsome, important, or whatever he was lacking. etc. Rather than, "hey can you take out the trash"??? Also, having sex, doesn't mean you have his heart or his mind. Whether they admit it or not, men are emotional creatures, too. But again, IT'S STILL NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT...and he may do it again, sooner or later.

Answer 6

coming form a person who has been where you are right now.... if you feel in your gut that hes being honest with you about how doing this has made him feel and it sounds like you feel that way then build on that.

sit down with him try real hard not to be judgmental or accusing be open and honest about your feelings talk it out once you have done that and if you decide as a couple that you can truly put it behind you and move on then do just that

the answer as to why he cheated may not be as important as you feel it is right now but if hes willing to share it maybe it will bring to light a problem you were not even aware of and then fixing it becomes much easier

i suspect the reason for his withdrawal and moodiness is happening for 2 reasons....1 because he hates himself for having done what he has done just remember what happens still took 2 people to make it happen Ive met some women who can be bigger players than most men i have met and are able to suck even the most secure man into their trap to get just what they want. 2 now that you know about it all its easier for him to pull back because now what hes has been secure in for so long he is unsure of and he figures if he pulls back it wont hurt as bad when the other shoe droops and he finds himself alone with the mess he created

Answer 7

First, you must be devastated. You trusted this man and he has betrayed you. That's hard to overcome.

All marital research shows that infidelity is about the marriage and not about the individual. His infidelity is only a symptom of a greater marital problem. You also need time to grieve and learn to trust again. Your husband needs time to resolve his issues and reinvest in his marriage and life. You will both need to change in order for your marriage to work.

If you wish to continue this marriage, you absolutely need to get help from a really good therapist. Ask your friends or look for an Imago therapist near you. It's expensive, but a heck of a lot cheaper than divorce. Many, many couples find deeper more fulfilling love after the chasm of infidelity.

Good luck!

Answer 8

It does sound like a good marriage. Married 10 years, with children, and still having sex? Way to go. Maybe it was a mistake. It just depends on if you think it is worth it. Marriage was a gamble when you took the vows and still is. Is it worth it to you? If it is, don't listen to what anyone else says. It can hurt now for sure (a break up/divorce/etc) or maybe hurt later. It can still work. Do what you feel is right. It is your life.

Answer 9

Well you're in an awful situation, but it SOUNDS like he is remorseful and might still be a good husband.

Some people cheat once, and realize it was a terrible mistake, and never think about it again.

Others cheat because they are lacking something, and want that fix again.

Who knows which one is your husband like...

No one here will know, that's for sure - only you...and all you can do is really guess and pray.

Answer 10

I think even if a man is not necessarily looking to cheat, it is a really powerful "drug" to find out that some younger woman finds him sexy. Most men (and women, for that matter) are basically weak and are easily flattered by the interests of a younger person who makes them feel attractive and vital. Hopefully, he's learned a lesson and does not want to lose you. But if he's really really insecure, he's likely to stray again in order to get that "fix."