Overreaction....?

Question

I was married 2 years ago. Last month my brother in law was killed in a car wreck with a drunk driver. After the funeral I was reading the guest book and noticed that on the front page where it listed his remaining family, my name was not on there. Is it fair to assume that they dont regaurd me as a part of their family? Am i overreacting? Is it ok for me to be hurt by this?

I am the wife. We have been married for 2 years. It was not an oversight because the funeral home put my husbands name in wrong and the family had them correct it. My name was still not in the correction. I have 4 other brothers and sisters in law and i love them all equally. even the one that passed.

I am the only sister in law, and the list included step grandparents, and grandparents

step grandparents are not blood related. They are related by marriage just like me. So why put them in but leave me out?

Answer 1

Usually in an obituary the blood relatives are listed with spouses first name in parenthesis between the first name and last name of the relative. But I can tell you this, having lost a brother myself, all the stuff that is in an obituary is the information that is given to the person who handles the funeral arrangements. Now as you can well imagine, alot of people who go through an untimely death are not quite thinking straight. How can they possibly remember everything? Maybe whoever put together the book made the mistake. These people just had a very traumatic loss, and to just assume that it's about you, is very selfish. I mean you could be absolutely right, but wouldn't you already know? Wouldn't there have been other signs, other exclusions? If this was a one time isolated incident, shame. If it was the straw that broke the camels back, then so be it. But I don't think now is the time to be so me-centric. I hope this helps, and I don't mean to sound harsh, or mean, but from someone who has been through the loss of a brother, I feel I know what I'm talking about. Good Luck

Answer 2

I do not think it means they do not regard you as part of the family. Feelings do not need to be justified - we are all entitled to them and they cannot always be rationalized away. Whether it was intentional or an oversight in their extreme grief and stress it is reasonable to be hurt. However, I will stress again that this death was a catastrophe and caused hurt and chaos that can be debilitating. They may have been remembering who he was closest to when he was growing up or in the past and not thinking clearly. If you feel you are not a part of the family only you can do something about this. Were you there for immediate support? You can always go now to just sit and talk and reminisce, or just sit and listen or just be there so they are not alone. You can always join in on more family events or have the family over to your house. Find ways to mingle and interact with everyone. There is a saying "to have a friend you have to be a friend." I think the same applies with family. Try to focus on the present and the future and not so much the past. The past cannot be changed or fixed, but the future can. Again, I am not saying it is not ok for you to be hurt, but you can take steps to mitigate the pain or the potential for future pain.

P.S. After your last additional comment, I still say it could be an oversight. Remember debilitating grief. . . Also it sounds like a large family. At least you weren't left out of your husband's family's photo at your own wedding like I was.

Answer 3

i would say it kind of depends on how long u were married. if it was only a year or so then it wouldnt be that strange. but if it was over a few years then yeah i would be a little upset. the other thing would be how close u were to the brother in law. if it was someone u only saw at family functions then not really a big deal. but if u were good friends and spoke regularly then of course u should be upset. but either way it shouldnt be about the names in the book, it should be about remembering him.

Answer 4

I am sure it was an over sight and would not be concerned about it. Remember this was something that happened so quick and the family was not prepared for it so be considerate of the wife;s feelings at a time like this. You can be hurt because that is your feelings, but you know your family so what does a piece of paper make a difference?

Answer 5

When our mom passed and then 4 years later our dad, we only listed blood relatives. We've had other relatives pass away and only blood relatives were listed then too.
Its not that they dont care for you, but when listing something like that most spouses are left out.

Answer 6

Were other spouses included? Or did it only list direct relatives? I guess you can be upset but under the circumstances I would just let it go, perhaps with instructions that they are not to be included in yours but its just not worth it other than that.

Answer 7

I think that they should of at least included you in the whole thing but since you and your ex wife arent together maybe they thought it would be best not to put you on there because of how she felt.

Answer 8

you are not a direct descendant of the brother in law who passed so you are not to be listed. It's nothing you should be feeling hurt of left out about....you're just not in his genealogical line.

Answer 9

i believe they only list immidiate blood family but it does depend on the family. it could have been an oversight in their grief. dont take it too personally