Do you think there comes a point when you just cant?

Question

My bf, who has an abuse problem, enjoys hurting things, physically and mentally. I have tried so hard to give him love and support but nothing worked. He almost strangled me the other night. Of course, I am not with him. But is that it, just let it go. He needs so much help. I wish I could help him, but he doesnt want to help himself. Do I stay a friend to him (of course, by phone only) and keep trying to talk to him for support, or just let it go?

Answer 1

I think it would be best for you to let it go and move on. Sticking with him will not necessarily help him and it will only hurt you.

Answer 2

Just let it go - it's hard (and by the way he WANTS it to be hard to let go) but you must. If you stay around you actually strengthen his control over you and thus his addiction to controlling and hurting others. He may need help but he needs to want to help himself first. He also may not want help - even if he feels guilty later - he is enjoying some part of the abuse or the control he has inflicted upon you - if not he would stop or at least seek psychological help for himself.

Answer 3

A person who has a problem with drugs or etc. is not in his right mind.

No matter how much love and attention you give him, he will ignore those gestures simply because he does not understand them.

People use drugs and alcohol because they have a lot of baggage and need to escape reality. Being around him makes you an "added baggage" because he cant handle your honesty and sincerity. Those additional and positive feelings you give him clash with his already volatile situation. He simply cannot handle the added burden of satisfying your needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. That's why he hurts you.

Every time you attempt to help him, he sees you as a CHURCH BELL that constantly rings in the night.

Abandoning him won't make a difference, it will just make him more violent and abusive. Take him to rehab and constantly remind him that you care by regularly calling or visiting him.

Answer 4

sorry this is going on but very glad to know you are out of there. take my word for it, YOU can do NOTHING.. if the abusivve person wishes to remain in that frame of life, no one can change them. being friends with a person like this is just as dangerous as living with them. if the urge to hurt comes it may still be directed at you. You have done your best, stuck by him and have been there .. YOU have gone the distance.. it is now time for YOU to let go and move on... wish him well and send a prayer up for him often, but otherwise, I suggest you break all contact and start a new life.... God bless

Answer 5

Let it go. The only thing that can help this man is medications and serious counselling sessions and you can't offer him either. Run, don't walk, away. He's not going to change no matter how much you love him or try to understand him. He is a broken person and you are not able to fix him. It will not help him to stay in touch by phone and you will only torture yourself with your inability to help him. Get on with your life.

Answer 6

You need to stop trying to mother him
let him go and do not NOT ever get back together with him. How severe is the situation? if you have to or you don't feel safe (I wouldn't if he had hit me or strangled me) change your phone number or move if you have to.
How old are you? If you are a teen, tell someone you trust (preferably older) about him and your experience with him. if you are older, visit a women's shelter and ask where you can get some help and advice. If there are children involved in this then your TOTAL focus is on their safety. Promise?

Answer 7

No matter what you do, you won't be able to help him. Some people can't even be helped by a professional, and they never get over their abusive ways. No matter how you choose to associate with him, he will still abuse you in some way or another, so it would be best to cut things off completely and save yourself. You can't do anything for him, and it will only keep hurting you to watch him hurt himself and others.

Answer 8

Wtf are you doing with a creep like that? That is ugly. Think seriously about filing a civil lawsuit if not a criminal complaint. Maybe with a little effort you could find someone else that rings your chimes that doesn't have a proclivity for murder. I mean, what, you have a death wish or something? You definitely should get a restraining order. Think of it as a public service. I would like to see that SOB taken down a few notches by the law. Well, I guess I just pi$$ed away 10 points.

Answer 9

Dearest one, let me tell me you my story. I was married to an abusive man-psychologically, emotionally, spiritually & physically. It didn't start out that way. But slowly, bit by bit, I allowed him to take away my self-esteem & boundaries, until he was hitting & beating me for the most trivial things and HAD ME BELIEVING it was my fault. He even had a stripper girlfriend on the side that he taunted me with. I stayed with this man for 23 years. I kept hoping & praying he would change. Do you know what I found out? HE IS A BLACK HOLE!! It didn't matter how much love I tried to show, what I did, what I said, what I wore, what size I was, it would never please him because that's not what his game was about. It was all about control, domination & hurting things. He does not think there is anything wrong with him so therefore he doesn't/can't/won't help himself. I lived in torment & walked around in shame. He made it known that if I told anyone he would kill me. I finally broke down and told a girlfriend what was going on. Thanks to her love & support I got the courage to start unwinding myself from that man. I filed the divorce papers when my daughter was 15, but I waited until she was 18 to finish it off so I wouldn't have to worry about shared custody. He is a porn addict & could not bear the thought of the possibility of him showing her his smut. It actually took that long to pull the hooks out he had in me because we had a business together. I quietly got my name off of everything, made sure he never could do business in this state again, finished the divorce, moved out, filed bankruptcy (which made him liable for all the debts he tried to dump on me) and began to rebuild my life. I look back now and wonder how I could be so crazy to have stayed. The stupid thing was he turned out to be a spineless bully when I left him. I was enabling his sickness by sticking around!

Of course this is the nutshell version. But hear me in this message-break your ties & communications, EVEN THE PHONE. If he tried to strangle you once, he'll try it again. My ex would strangle me until I would pass out. I'd come to with him slapping my face, raping me or kicking me. I have permanent kidney damage because I curled in a ball to protect myself while he kicked the hell out of my back.

LET HIM GO!!!!. DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE LIKE I DID!!!!

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

I don't know how old you are, but if you are still living at home, appeal to your parents. If you're an adult, you would do well to get a restraining order and call the police if he breaks it.

Answer 10

I could go on ad nauseum about all the reasons you should liberate yourself from this abuse cycle. But I'd strongly advise that you call this phone # for some trained & qualified support:

1-800-799-SAFE

You also can check out this website: http://www.ndvh.org

Just remember that sometimes loving someone means letting him go. It's hard, but you've got to consider your own survival above all else.

Answer 11

Sometimes you have to put some limits in helping. It would be very hard to help or rescue someone who doesn't help himself. Be a friend that is good but I guess if he doesn't listen then I guess everything is useless. Try to stay away from him. It will be best for you and for him. If you aare close to his parents then tell them that their son needs psychological help. You can only do so much.